Sunday, May 12, 2013

Happy Mother's Day

(I have told this story here on past Mother's Days, so you may have read it before and I apologize for the rerun. But just like the reruns on television, some are worth repeating.)

Mom was the most influential person in my life and influenced my penchant for crossdressing in a number of ways.

She was beautiful and did not need makeup. Lipstick, powder, and rouge were all she ever used. I know because I enjoyed watching her put on her minimal makeup.

She always dressed like a fashionable lady and that was difficult to accomplish because money was tight when I was a kid. As a result, Mom sewed her own clothes, as well as clothes for my sister.

I guess I was jealous of my sister and wished that Mom would sew something for me, but there were few sewing patterns for boys' clothing. However, I would have been perfectly happy if she sewed a pretty dress for me like she did for my sister.

My Dad was a great guy, but he was not around much when I was growing up. He worked all the overtime he could get to make ends meet. For a few years, he also had a second job.

I can remember way back to my earliest memories when I actually thought that my father was a visitor because his appearances at home during my waking hours were so rare. So, during my formative years, Dad was at work, while my Mom was at home raising my sister and me.

Since I was raised in an environment where the father figure was absent most of the time, it is no wonder that I tended to follow in the footsteps of the only parental figure available to me, my Mom. As a result, I admired her and wanted to do the things she did. I did not know it at the time, but she was my role model.

I was a creative kid and Mom encouraged my creative side. I loved sports, especially baseball, but I was not very good at it (I could hit the ball a mile, but I threw "like a girl"). So early on, I knew where my strengths laid.

I spent a lot of time writing and drawing and my mother supported and encouraged me. Eventually, I became a successful professional writer with a lot of thanks going to Mom.

I looked like my Mom's side of the family and inherited many of her features like her long legs and her facial features. When I do my makeup just so, I look a lot like her; people would mistake us for mother and daughter, i.e., if she were alive and I dressed en femme in her presence.

Besides influencing my creative side, she also influenced my penchant for being feminine.

Mom often commented that because I had such nice legs, I should have been a girl. If she had made that comment once, I probably would have forgotten about it, but it seemed to me that she made that comment whenever she saw my legs bare. Don't you think that may have influenced me?

She also made comments about the way I walked. She said I "tippy-toed," i.e., I walked on my toes. I assumed from her comments that tippy-toeing was not the correct way for a male to walk, but I did not know how to walk any other way. She never showed me how I was supposed to walk, so I just kept on tippy-toeing.

I don't tippy-toe any longer. As I grew older, I must have figured out how to walk like a male. However, all my early years tippy-toeing may have facilitated my walking in high heels because ever since I slipped on my first pair of pumps, I never had a problem walking in heels.

I did not think that Mom knew about my crossdressing, because she never broached the subject despite the fact that I often got into her stuff and even ruined some items that I found out the hard way, were too small for me. I was very much in the closet then and I was just as happy that she did not know. But, she knew.

As newlyweds, my wife and I crossdressed for a Halloween party and when I mentioned our party plans to Mom over the phone, she asked if I had taken my box of "stuff" with me when I moved out.

I don't recall my response, but at that moment, I knew she knew. She never mentioned it again and neither did I.

However, once in awhile right up to her death, she would ask me, "Is there anything you want to tell me?"

I always thought she was referring to my crossdressing when she asked and I always said, "No."

In retrospect, I wish I had confided in Mom about me becoming a woman. She was so loving and so supportive that I think she would have helped me. (She was a great seamstress by the way and I can only dream about the outfits she might have sewn for her male daughter.) But, I did not confide in her and I regret it now.

But, if there is a heaven, I am sure Mom smiles down on me when she sees her firstborn dressed en femme enjoying her time as a woman.

So, Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

Your Loving Daughter,

Stana

12 comments:

  1. A lovely picture and story :)

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  2. Absolutely lovely sentiments.
    I'm sure that your Mom is very proud of you, and of the woman you've become !
    Angie

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  3. Stana,

    Thank you for posting your tribute again. I never told my mom about my cross dressing either, and I wanted to tell her before she passed away. I too model my feminine self after my mom, although I look more like my sister than my mom when dressed, in my view. Anyway, I don't think she ever suspected, because I was so careful in these early years. I really miss her!

    Lisa

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  4. I missed my mom's passing and I feel bad about that, I miss her dearly. Happy Mother's Day, mom, wherever you are!

    And thanks for the memories, Stana. I'm just going to weep a bit now.

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  5. Dear Stana,

    LOVELY, LOVELY story and sentiments! Your Mom sounds wonderful!

    Like so many crossdressers, I too started out by secretly wearing my mother's clothes. She was the only female in our house (I had a dad and a brother). My brother was 7 years younger than I, and I think he (without my knowledge) saw me crossdressed - one time (and only that one time) he kidded me about wearing one of my mom's dresses as he held a dress I had indeed worn. Nothing was ever said again.

    And, like you, when I used to wear a dark brown wig and makeup, I looked very much like my mom. Oddly, in guy mode, I look much more like my dad.

    Happy Mothers Day to you, dear Stana!

    Love,

    Sheila.

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  6. Stana my darlin how touching and how real! Thank you for sharing that wonderful story with us. My mother knows about me know. She is 76 and recently told me that if she knew when I was young, she would have helped me transition. You and I both had great moms! Happy mothers day to all us wannabe mothers!!

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  7. My Mother used to sew and knit clothes for my two older brothers and me, every summer she would make three matching sets of clothes for our holidays. Because I was the youngest I always ended up with all three, after a while the attraction would begin to fade

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  8. Stana, Thanks for sharing that story for us again who have read it. My mother sewed dresses to sell to neighbor women when I was four and five years old. I was her first child, she wanted a girl. Sometimes she would have me wear the dress she was sewing and have me stand on a kitchen chair to pin the hem so it was even all around. Sometimes I wore the dresses outside to play with the other neighborhood girls mostly. I was teased quite a lot by the boys and they avoided me. In kindergarten I wanted to play with the girls in the doll house. The teacher said I had to play with the wood cars or trucks and to stay out of the girls doll house. My father was also absent for about six years as he signed up for the Army to enter WWII. When my father eventually came home I was scared of him as I didn't remember him. My mother is still alive at 95 years. I think she knows I dress in women's clothes and if I came out to her, she probably wouldn't be surprised. I called her this morning and wished her Happy Mothers Day. She has difficulty hearing and she didn't understand me. I sent a Mother's Day card the other day, maybe it has not been delivered in her mail box yet.

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  9. Very touching -- you expressed it beautifully.

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  10. Very touching - and beautifully written.

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  11. Thank you all. I think of my mother every day and miss her every day.

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