Signs

After yet another complaint about clip-on earrings, Robin wrote urging me to get my ears pierced. She mentioned that if the pain of getting my ears pieced was the issue, I had nothing to fear but ear fear itself, because the pain "was nothing."

I replied that I usually get my teeth fixed without Novocain or whatever they use these days, so pain is not an issue. Rather, my spouse is the issue.

She is not thrilled with the fact that her husband is a woman, but she realizes that I must let my girl out for air once in awhile. I appreciate that she is OK with me being the authentic me some of the time, but I don't want to rub her nose in it.

Everyday, she sees signs that remind her that her husband is a woman.

We share a walk-in closet and as she enters it, she encounters a rack now half full of her husband's dresses, skirts, blouses, and slacks. On the floor below those pretty things are countless boxes containing her husband's high heels. Next to the shoes are storage totes containing her husband's lingerie and hosiery. Next to the totes is her husband's cosmetics box. Still other totes contain her husband's jewelry and purses. And on the shelf above her tops and jeans is a tote containing her husband's wigs.

If I dress as a woman when my spouse is home, I avoid my spouse so that she does not see her husband as a woman because she has often said, "I don't want to see you dressed as a woman." (On occasion, curiosity gets the best of her and she wants to see how I look, but I don't show her unless she is interested.)

My body has signs that may remind her that I am a woman. My hairless arms, legs, breasts, shoulders and back are the most obvious signs.

Less obvious are my neatly maintained eyebrows (eyeglasses hide how neat and feminine they actually look).

She never mentions the stuff in our closet, nor my shaved body, nor my feminized eyebrows – out of sight, out of mind.

But if I had my ears pierced, there would be no way to hide that from her. It would be a constant reminder that I am a woman, so I let it be.

Wearing Bebe (Source: Bebe)

Fran Heuser

Someday Funnies

The Backstory: When I saw the above advertisement among my e-mails, I knew I had to do something with it because the model resembled a film actor, whose name I will not divulge to protect the innocent. The actor happens to be one of my favorites and has appeared in the Jurassic film series and numerous Wes Anderson films among others.   

Wearing Bebe (Source: Bebe)

A Dad modeling in a womanless fashion show in 1956.

Missions Accomplished

I won't mention names, but somebody in this house uses too much toilet paper and occasionally, the downstairs toilet gets blocked. Usually, a few plunges with a plumber's friend clears the problem, but Wednesday's situation was more serious and there was no movement even after I took 30 or 40 deep plunges.

Next, I boiled a pot of water and added that to the mix, but it did not help. I added two more pots of boiling water and let simmer while I made myself a cup of coffee.

Our six-months-old Keurig machine was on the fritz and I had to push the "make a cup of coffee" button three times before I actually got a full cup of coffee. And it took forever to accomplish that feat.

This was our fifth Keurig and I recognized the signs of a dying Keurig. I am a little, but not much wiser, so last time I bought a new Keurig, I paid Uncle Wally an extra $6 for the extended service contract.

While the hot water was brewing in our toilet bowl, I contacted Uncle to put in a claim for our dying Keurig machine, but lo and behold, Uncle Wally told me to contact Keurig since the machine was still under the factory warranty.

After I rolled my eyes, I dialed up Keurig and a very polite fellow listened to my sad story and told me he would ship me a brand new Keurig machine to replace my dying machine. Mission accomplished!

Back to the toilet bowl, the hot water did not seem to make much of a difference as I got the same results plunging hot water as I did plunging cold water.

As a veteran of the toilet bowl wars, I remembered something that worked before and I asked my spouse to flush the upstairs toilet bowl. She did and that did the trick – the upstairs flush cleared the downstairs blockage. Another mission accomplished!

Now all I had to do is wait a few days for a new Keurig machine. I had asked the Keurig service rep where my machine was coming from so I could estimate when it would be delivered. He admitted that he did not know because they have warehouses across the country. So I would just have to keep my panties on and wait patiently. Surprisingly, FedEx delivered a new Keurig machine the very next day.

Sometimes, life is good!

Wearing Bebe (Source: Bebe)

Fred Armisen femulates often in television's Portlandia.