Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Better Read Than Dead


I received the following e-mail from Julia:

When you're out en femme and someone "reads" you or you run into any kind of trouble, how do you handle it?

Thanks again for all your inspiration!

Since I got my act together, I have been very lucky; I seldom notice anyone who I think might be reading me when I am out solo en femme. However, my mileage will vary if I am out en femme with other transpeople.

When I do get read, I seldom get more than a smirk or dirty look from a reader or a reader might nudge his/her companion to get their attention and "get a load of him."

I usually do one of two things when I think I’ve been read:

Ignore the reader and go about my business.

Flash a great big smile at the reader, which may disarm/confuse him/her.

There is a third option someone passed along to me that I would love to try, but never have:

Flash a great big smile at the reader, then say, "Yes, you recognized me. Would you like my autograph?"

Thankfully, there has never been a "scene" or any kind or trouble that I have had to deal with.

Now let me back up a bit and elaborate on what I wrote above.

Since I got my act together…

When I was a "man in a dress," I got read more frequently than I do now. But as my presentation improved, the readings diminished.

I seldom notice anyone who I think might be reading me…

Unless the reader confronts you or reacts in some way (a smirk, a laugh, a grimace, etc.) indicating that they know what's up with you, you never know for sure if they are reading you or just checking you out or even better, admiring you. (I always assume the last option, although when I was less confident about my presentation, I always assumed the first option.)

By the way, I wear eyeglasses in boy mode, but seldom wear them in girl mode except when I am driving. As a result, I might miss a read or two sans eyeglasses. However, my vision is not that weak, so I doubt that I am missing much.

All that being said, in my opinion it is better to be read than be dead. That is, it is better to go out and experience the world en femme and be read occasionally than to suffocate your woman in the closet.


  1. Very sound and sage advice, Stana! Good for you!! I agree.

  2. Stana - Great reply - I am now at a stage in my femme- self that I am just like you.

  3. Well said, I just smile sweetly, but I woudl love to have the nerve to offer an autograph

  4. "Better read than dead" ... I love this line, but it is certainly double-edged, isn't it? As seen in the recent rash of trans-killings and bashings after the women (presumably) were read.

    In my more limited experience, I am sure I've been read, but I don't notice it much. I assume some day I will, though, and hope I react as well as you do, flashing that killer smile.

  5. My experience with being "read" is that no one seems to really care. Maybe 10 years ago this might have been a bigger issue but in these "PC" times we live in it seems to be getting easier. At Least thats' what I find.

    Quick PS: Wasn't the George Harrison HBO doco great?

  6. When read, say in your deepest voice, "My wife found panties and a bra under my truck seat and it just snowballed from there". They'll laugh, you'll laugh, and the moment is over. LOL

  7. Thank you, yet again, for sharing your insights and adventures here, for those of us who need to live their feminine lives vicariously through you. I definitely do not have the figure to pull off "passing," and also do not have the time and/or dedication to do so right now.

  8. Once, at a mall, a woman pushing a stroller kept looking over her shoulder, staring (and glaring) at me. Eventually, I gave her a huge smile and a big wave and I only saw her backside after that.

  9. The smile is our greatest come back. It's not only disarming it's welcoming. Plus it's one of the prettiest assets we have. A smile on our face, in our look, in our presentation and our demeanor will almost always tell people that we are not a threat, we are confident in our lives and we will create that feeling in those who are open and welcoming (people really are) that we are the image they are seeing, a presentation of femininity, thus to be considered female.

    It's been my experience, that when you are in Rome and you do as the Romans do, and even thought it may be known that you aren't a Roman, that you won't be thrown to the lions. When you do things with care and respect for others, you will receive as much in return.

  10. "when you are in Rome and you do as the Romans do."

    Yeah. And when you are in Drag, do as the Dragons do." :D

  11. Bravo. Words to fully, gorgeously live by.

  12. Being the wife of a crossdresser and being out and about with them- I noticed a lot of looks from passers by. My partner did not; this was because they were like so many, self absorbed in the activities they were doing. Becareful all of you as you maybe only picking up a fraction of the 'looks' comments etc. Be mindful that alot of folks can be defensive if confronted even by a smile. Unfortunately the world in general doesn't want to understand anything that isn't in their own interests - no matter what group or walk of life they are from.

  13. I sometimes notice women I think might be trans, because I'm trans too, only I'm not out. I don't mean to stare, but I'm usually so thrilled to see someone sort of like me (someone braver than me obviously)! I just try to smile and not make them uncofmortable, but I'm always worried I've made a sister uncomfortable.