Monday, March 9, 2015

The Other Woman

red-heels After 21 years of marriage, he gave me the news. He is finally becoming himself — but I am more lost than ever

I saw a headline recently reporting how proud Bruce Jenner’s mother is of him (her). While that’s both noble and supportive, what I haven’t seen are stories about the private struggle — the husbands, wives and children who suddenly find themselves faced with difficult choices.

I’m here to tell you one.

Read the rest of Diana Matthew’s Salon story here.





Source: Anthropologie

Wearing Anthropologie.






The winner of the 2015 Miss Eng’g womanless beauty pageant
(Thank-you, Cheryl for the photo)


  1. Some marriages do survive transition but many don't, we have to be aware of our spouses' needs and the hurt that we do them, especially if we were not honest from the beginning. I have been through this situation of being the other woman in our marriage, and we could not survive it. It is tough but sometimes the most loving thing to do is to release the woman we love in order to survive as the woman we are.

  2. My marriage did not even survive my crossdressing and even if I have no plans to transition I feel very bad for both partners as each feels they now are at odds with the kind of life the other needs and deserves. I feel terrible for this woman who must feel deceived even if the intent was not deliberate on her husband's part. I do feel that perhaps some compromise can be reached for those of us who find an intermediate way to curb our gender dysphoria. Some marriages survive but most fail even when there is not even a full transition. I have been there and I know all too well how tough this is for all concerned.

  3. I wish that woman and her spouse all the best. While the husband has known of his T tendencies for a while it is a bit of a new concept to the wife. I hope that they take things slowly and that they can relearn how to appreciate the things about each other that they love.

    PS: That is a photo of a beautiful red shoe but do you notice anything odd about the shadow that the shoe casts. I would think that there would be some minor shadow cast by the heel.

    1. The shadow is odd! Maybe it was achieved with the source of the light above and to the rear of the shoe. I did not wear heels today, so I'll have to try that at home tonight.

  4. I blame a lot of problems associated with being transgendered (male to female) on the strict restrictions placed on men as far as grooming and clothing. If Diana Matthew's husband would have been free to wear dresses, heels, and makeup openly from the beginning Dianna might have not encountered such a shock. joannaS's marriage might have survived if (s)he were not placed under this restriction.

  5. Very well written story. I feel bad for her.

  6. Most of us know, I did, that I was different since about age 7. I told my wife before we got married that I enjoyed wearing womans things and if she could not handle that I would always love her and respect her decision. She was OK with it and that was 27 years ago. I never transitioned but my big transition was to transition my mind to accept myself, took quite a load off of me. She enjoys me as a husband and girlfriend. I know I am one of the lucky ones.

  7. The heart breaking narrative only reinforces my resolve that I will not and can not transition while my wife is alive. If she predeceases me then and only then will I start to live as I should. Yes, it is bloody hard and I cry myself to sleep more nights than I care to count.

  8. It is so common for transgirls to think if they marry, have kids and do all the male things, all the femme stuff will go away. Sadly it only grows in intensity as we accept our mortality but need to come to grips with ourselves. Almost like a mid life crisis. I have psyches in the family who explained all this and it is true for me at least. The self guilt/hate/misery intensifies as we age and the only way to balance it out is to let it out. Sadly with disasterous results.
    We now live in a age of acceptance I never dreamed would happen. We as tgirls need to mentor others to fully be upfront before we engage in family building so as to prevent these sad endings. The next gen will be mentally healthier and families and wives and others will be so much better off.
    It is true that "The truth shall set you free"

  9. I'm not so sure that all these twomen KNOW when they are younger... can they (we?) be blinded by higher testosterone levels? Then , in middle age when T levels drop, a more feminine personality emerges... some men give in to some curiosity and crossdress, some CDs wonder if they may be more? Is the T inhibiting the development of a feminine persona, is that persona tranquilized by drowning in a sea of male hormones? I have a very good online friend who transitioned later in life and lost her marriage as well... but she felt it was something she HAD to do - and honestly, while I met her during her RLE, I cannot see her as a male. I'm more feminine now than I was a few years ago... and would not be surprised if in a few years I am even moreso. I just do not know.

  10. This article really sure makes me think about coming out the rest of the way!

  11. You make some good points Fiona. Happy Birthday Stana, hope all your wishes come true!
    Maybe it is just me but the desire to embrace my feminine side has gone up many fold. It has taken me in places I never thought I would be. It can only get better from here, right?

  12. My feelings of femininity go back as far as I can remember but I'm married to the woman of my dreams and my love for her overrides everything else in my life. I know she couldn't accept me as a woman and I have no wish to cast a irreparable blight over our marriage.
    Over the years I've sought professional help from many doctors, psychiatrists and counsellors and the consensus was that I should "go for it". This advice was reassuring and welcome to my ears. However, it was advice tailored for a specific problem I have and it didn't address the totality of who I am.
    In a nutshell, it comes down to one of us suffering. Which one is it to be? I refuse to dump my problem on her.
    To me, there's only one possible answer to that. I will endure the total disconnect I feel within myself as long as she lives.. but as Jae commented earlier, if I survive her I will explore my feminine side more comprehensively. I wish with all my heart I could have been born female - but I wasn't.
    I thought the story at the top of this column was so true.. it's a problem that destroys as it creates.

  13. I'm the "later in life" person Fiona refers to. I always knew something was "not right" about me but for most of my life I didn't have the concept of transgender in my mind so I couldn't see myself as a woman. I believe my marriage really ended when I got the Asperger's diagnosis, but we stayed together for the sake of the children. My wife threw me out when she found out I was cross dressing, before I had made the decision, so although my marriage was one of the ones that didn't survive transition it never really got to that point anyway.