Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Making Sense

I am out en femme today living my life in the way that is most comfortable for me.

Don't get me wrong. I am not uncomfortable living my life en homme. I am a very easy-going and adaptable person and manage to get along in just about every situation in which I find myself.

But my natural inclinations are on the "feminine" side. No doubt about that. The boys did not call me a "sissy" for nothing. Mom did not suggest that I should have been a girl for no reason.

Consider what little boys are made of?

Frogs and snails and puppy-dogs' tails.

Then consider what little girls are made of?

Sugar and spice and everything nice.

I definitely fit the latter profile rather than the former.

And I am so feminine that I never tried to "man up" and shake the "pansy" appellation. Fitting into society's expectations of what a man should be was unattractive and completely foreign to me. So I followed my own life path. The fact that that path was considered feminine made little difference to me.

The dress, wig, makeup and heels is just drag to provide a better fit for the person I am.

Once upon a time, I thought it was all about emulating a woman or as I called it "femulating." I adored trying to look and act like a woman, but I assumed it was just another diversion that I enjoyed.

But the more I femulated, even living days at a time as a woman, I realized that it was more than the act of femulation; it was more than an enjoyable diversion. It was just too comfortable a fit to be a diversion.

I finally realized that what I feared was actually my reality. I was not the "plain vanilla crossdresser" that I purported to be for so many years. Instead, I really am trans; I really am a woman who happens to have the body of a male.

And it turned out that that was OK by me; being trans was nothing to fear.

Instead, I embraced the fact that I am trans because now it all makes sense to me.

5 comments:

  1. Aman Stana, you are fabulous too.

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  2. Dear Stana,

    Your post today is lovely. Thank You for sharing your innermost feelings with us.

    Although I do not feel feminine (usually) the 99% of the time I'm in male mode, like you, I don't relate to the phrases "man up" or "be a man", etc. Even though I'm content being a guy most of the time and a girl some of the time, I don't like the implication of those "man-centric" phrases that being a man is superior to being a woman. Although it may not be fair of me to say, I think femininity is superior to masculinity. If I were to write a “Pro / Con” list comparing femininity and masculinity, the former would have more Pro's and less Con's than the latter. Knowing what I know now in my 67 years, if I could go back and live again, and have a choice, I would definitely choose to be reborn as a girl.

    I definitely feel feminine (and love it) when I'm dressed and made-up as a woman. I accept my fate in being a male-to-female crossdresser. I am transgendered in the sense that in being a man who enjoys occasionally being a woman crosses the gender boundaries. Although I adore wearing women's clothing, makeup, accessories, wig, etc., I also do love feeling and acting feminine when I'm presenting as a woman. In recent years, my inner femininity has been coming out in male mode in various ways – being more empathetic with others, more caring, using more feminine words like “lovely”, and
    signing-off most emails and letters with “Love, ...”, whether the recipient is female or male.

    I would love to meet you someday. If you will ever be traveling to the Tampa Bay area or Orlando / Disney World area, please let me know in advance (you have my email address, since we've exchanged some lovely emails over the last year or so). It would be wonderful if you could be in the Orlando area on the first weekend of a month, and attend my support/social group's Friday Girls Night Out and Saturday meeting. Our membership would be thrilled to have you join us. You would be our honored guest, and perhaps you could do a 20 to 30 minute presentation on your Femulate blog and your feminine experiences, if you like.

    If any of your readers will be traveling to the Orlando area and would be interested in attending our Friday Girls Night Out dinner and possibly our Saturday meeting, they can make initial contact to our group by visiting

    www.crossdressflorida.com

    and using the “Contact” link.

    Thank You, lovely Stana,

    Love,

    Sheila.

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  3. For a while, I have been wondering when you were going to change your subheading.

    Maybe you should read your blog more. You would have figured you out sooner. :D

    And, by the way, that outfit is beautiful. Your mom was right.

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  4. Very simply Stana, I feel so good for you!
    Such a difficult journey should have it's rewards and you have found yours!

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  5. I should have thought you would always have considered yourself to be trans-gender. After all, that's what you do -- go against societal standards of male behaviour and presentation. You are comfortable being feminine -- which is distinct from female. You seem to have found a good balance for yourself.

    ReplyDelete