Monday, August 31, 2009

I am my own girlfriend

I love females. Always did, always will.

When I reached dating age, I dreamed about dating the vast number of females that I found attractive. But I was very shy with the opposite sex and not at all skilled at chatting up females in order to get a date.

My attempts usually resulted in rejection. As I accumulated rejections, I became gun-shy and more reluctant to try again. As a result, I did not date very often.

On those rare occasions that I did date, it was usually of the blind variety. And there were seldom any second dates because (1) I did not find my blind date attractive or (2) if I did find my blind date to be attractive, my shyness kicked in and turned off my blind date. I was a sad sack on the dating scene.

Lacking a female companion, did I become my own girlfriend?

I studied the art of female emulation (femulation) and after years of practice, I managed to femulate myself into a female, who could look attractive under the right lighting conditions and/or from the correct viewing angle.

As I femulated more and more, dating a female became less important, but I continued to make my feeble attempts in the dating scene and accepted blind dates whenever the opportunity arose. One blind date was "love at first sight" and we dated for over two years, married, and had a child.

While I dated my future spouse, I stopped being my own girlfriend, that is, I stopped femulating all together and did not take up the cause again until we were invited to a Halloween party a month after our wedding day.

After nearly three years of not femulating, I was out of practice and having purged all my female paraphenalia before marriage, I had to borrow clothes for that Halloween outing. As a result, my femulation was just so-so in my humble opinion. Nevertheless, my skills were still good enough to fool some of the people some of the time and a female in a cat costume asked me point blank if I was male, because she was not sure.

That outing caused me to recall how I had enjoyed femulating in the past, so I began anew, first in secret, than slowly out into the public after my spouse put two and two together and asked me if I liked to crossdress on days that weren't October 31. (Her query was prompted by the French Maid costume I wore the preceding Halloween.)

I came clean about my hobby and she was very supportive and encouraged me to join a support group, which moved my femulation out of the closet of my home into the closet of my support group's meeting hall where I learned how to take my femulation out into public places.

Did I become my own girlfriend again?

I believe that when I was dateless and desperately seeking female companionship, I truly was my own girlfriend. But now I believe that the female I emulate is really me.

When I became my own girlfriend in the past, I was really becoming me, but did not realize it at the time. Now I realize that when I femulate I am presenting myself to society in the way I feel that best expresses me.


  1. I was just adding a new post about Popeye and happen to look in on you.This is basically what I wrote about him-you are what you are. I think you are fantastic and I love this blog! I made a banner and added you to my friends page on my website.If you have a better one let me know.
    take care,

  2. Excellent response! and a dashing photogragh! You and I have something very much in common!

  3. Staci,
    Obviously this is something you have thought about for some time. As usual, your writing and posting your thoughts gets me to thinking. Thanks for that.

    The photo that goes with your posting is absolutely the best of any that I've seen. You're gorgeous.

    Back to thinking now.


  4. I gave Mrs. Roscoe "full disclosure" about six months before we got married. I was tired of living the closeted life with the associated purges, didn't think I could do it for 30+ years (til death do us part), and, unlike with my other serious SO, felt that my future wife could handle the situation.

    Mrs. Roscoe is fine with what I do as long as I limit it to Halloween and provide regular reassurance that I do not intend to transition. We currently have a long-running conversation on that topic, sparked by Chloe Prince's ABC appearance since I work for the same company and share similar backgrounds with the former "Ted".

    (Chloe was probably the reason we have new HR rules about dealing with "gender presentation".)

  5. Thoughtful post, Staci....

    Such a fine line...


  6. Niki & Colleen --- Thank you for the kind words about the photo. The only problem is that it was taken in 1995. (Ah, to be young again!)

  7. Roscoe --- What are the new HR rules concerning gender presentation? (I am looking for ideas for my employer.)

  8. Teresa --- Thank you for the banner on your Web site. It looks great.

  9. Chrissie --- Definitely a VERY fine line!