Wednesday, September 27, 2023

My Guilt

JJ’s Stuff about guilt got me thinking about my own guilt.

I was raised as a Roman Catholic. (I was even an altar boy – loved the uniforms). 

No one ever told me that crossdressing was a sin, but our circa-1960 encyclopedia did not speak highly of transvestism and none of the guys I knew crossdressed, so I put two and two together (came up with 5) and figured that crossdressing was a sin. 

That did not stop me from dressing in my mother’s and sister’s wardrobes when I was home alone. I just kept a lid on it because I did not want anyone to know I was sinning. If someone did find out, I would feel shame not guilt.

But people did find out. My Halloween forays en femme during my teens and twenties were revealing, but I told myself they were just innocent Halloween costumes and nobody would suspect I was truly a crossdresser. So I did not feel shame, however, I did feel guilt because it was a big lie.

But people did think I was a crossdresser. For example, my five consecutive office girl Halloween costumes worn at work convinced all doubters about my en femme proclivities. However, none of my co-workers ever confronted me about it, so I assumed that they just thought I was a very good Halloween costumer. 

Wrong! Eventually I discovered that everyone thought I was a crossdresser and I confirmed their thoughts when I showed up en femme at the company Christmas party. So I was no longer a big liar at work and my guilt was gone, at least regarding my co-workers.

And over the years, I gradually reduced my guilt to near zero by coming out to most of my friends, relatives and acquaintances. And it did not hurt a bit. (I can count on one finger the number of friends I lost when they learned about my crossdressing and that loss was due to that friend’s religious beliefs!)

And so goes my guilt.

Source: Ann Taylor
Wearing Ann Taylor

Jack Vidgen
Singer Jack Vidgen


  1. I no longer see being transgender as a problem to be solved. I am not doing anything wrong. I’ve cast off society’s condemnation of being transgender and realized that I am a good person and that part of my personality and character involves being transgender. Attributes I see missing in many men, such as nurturing, kindness, compassion and cooperation are parts of my personality that I believe come from my feminine side. Paula G

    1. Hi Paula, the end of your comment is something I think about frequently. Why are certain personality traits considered male or female? Why can't a man be nurturing, kind, compassionate,etc without being considered "feminine"? Why can't that just be what makes that person who he or she is? (I'm not saying you're saying that, but society in I'm just putting those questions out to the universe.)

      Perhaps if more people (ok, I'm typically talking about men here) were able to embrace and openly display the softer sides of their personalities, perhaps the world would be a little bit kinder. And we could get to that place where there's no guilt or shame over how we choose to dress.

  2. JJ here. Thanks for adding your thoughts about Guilt Stana!

  3. When I was forced to attend church all I heard from the pulpit was you're destined to rot in hell if you do not do ___________(insert whatever you want). Church was full of hate. There was nothing said about a "loving god." I had lots of self-loathing because I wore my mother's clothing. There was no "guilt" because, if I was deceiving anyone, nobody was being hurt. Maybe, that would come later in the sense my wife is not appreciative of my desires as they were developing. It's a sticky situation when a wife is not supportive. Should there also be guilt felt by a wife because she is not supportive of her husband's totality of being? Just pondering over a cup of coffee.

    1. Did the pastor preach anything about the forgiveness of sins with the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross and how God is so loving that he would allow the sacrifice to take place to take upon the penalties of our sins? If the pastor didn't, he failed in his duties.
      Narrow minded "Fundamentalists" like to trot out Deuteronomy 22:5 to justify men not being allowed to wear women's garments.
      Deuteronomy 22:5 prohibits men from wearing women's clothing and vice-versa: The same chapter prohibits mixing linen with wool (No more blended fabrics!) and putting tassels on the four corners of your garments. And the old Testament prohibits the eating of pork, among other things. The Apostle Paul required women to cover there heads as it would be shameful for them to cut their hair.
      What I'm saying is you do not need to feel guilty in the slightest for wearing women's garments as circumstances I mentioned above change.

    2. John, in no way, shape or form do I feel guilt about wearing women's clothing. Any angst I feel about it is based on my wife's disapproval. She is not a raving lunatic about it. She has not said "boo" about my cross dressing since "The Talk" in the early 1980's. As to be raised in a conservative minded church that was the 1950's and 1960's. Frankly, too many today's churches turned me off. As I said, all I see coming from many mouths of the clergy is pure hate. I was told words written hundreds of years past the death of Jesus are inspired. I also have learned since then that there was a conference of men who decided what scriptures were in and were out of the Bible. Strange that some "inspired" words made the cut and others did not. I have come to the conclusion all these old men had axes to grind and subjugate others to their will. Basically, one does not need a church or clergy to get between a man or woman and the Creator.

    3. I did not say the Bible does not have historical events contained in it. Many descriptions and events do turn out to be accurate. It's the slant of what is wrong and what is right. When the local pastor is preaching that someone is headed to hell because of the clothes he or she wears and encourages the flock to rain hatred down on them that's is no God's word. As Jimmy Carter said, he could find no words in the New Testament that Jesus said that concerns these issues. What's the difference with a modern day guy saying god inspired him than a guy of several thousand years ago? BTW, it seems god has not inspired women? That's another story; god tells women to sit in the back of the bus?

    4. As an atheist, I not concerned about sin. I was raised roman catholic (and I too was an altar boy) but fairly young I really took a look at the bible and all the horrible things it teaches, all the lies and inconsistencies. Creation didn't happen, the flood never happened, and nobody has ever come back from the dead after 3 days. I'm sorry if anyone is offended by that, but the honest truth is, the god belief is the biggest source of pain and depression in a lot of people's lives, especially in communities like ours.

      I encourage everyone of faith to just listen with an honest and open heart to atheists, there are many like Aron Ra, Viced Rhino, SkepTick, Prophet of Zod, etc. on YouTube who make clear, compelling cases against religion.

      But if you need to hold onto that belief, think about a god that made you as you are, to be happy and free to be yourself. Abandon the god of hate, ignorance and death, because that god and his followers needs to fade away forever.

  4. John
    before we had refrigeration pork decayed so fast it could be dangerous when the weather was warm
    In the UK we had a saying
    Do not eat pork unless there is an R in the month
    That included the "warm months" May, June, July and August
    Our green and pleasant land is not in the warmest part of the world