Blend In or Stand Out or...

Crossdressing can serve many purposes depending on the individual's goals, personality, context and emotional needs. Two contrasting motivations—blending in versus standing out—highlight the wide spectrum of expression within the crossdressing experience.

Crossdressing to Blend In

Purpose: To pass as a woman or adopt a traditionally feminine appearance without attracting undue attention.

Common Motivations:

Gender expression or gender euphoria: Wanting to feel more in sync with one's inner sense of femininity.

Privacy or safety: In public or unfamiliar settings, the aim may be to go unnoticed to avoid harassment or judgment.

Comfort in femininity: Enjoying feminine clothing for how it feels or fits, without necessarily craving external validation.

Daily life integration: Dressing in a feminine style for work, errands, or socializing without being read as a man in women’s clothing.

Style Notes:

Natural-looking makeup, practical shoes, subtle clothing (e.g., jeans, casual tops, basic dresses).

Focus on blending voice, mannerisms, and presentation.

Prioritizes authenticity over performance.

Emotional Payoff:

A sense of normalcy, internal affirmation, and safety.

Sometimes a sense of accomplishment when successfully "passing."

Crossdressing to Stand Out

Purpose: To be seen, celebrated or even provocatively admired in feminine presentation.

Common Motivations:

Artistic or performative expression: Drag performance, fashion, or cosplay—where gender is playfully or theatrically exaggerated.

Sexuality or fetish: Enjoying the thrill, taboo, or erotic aspect of feminization.

Confidence boost: Feeling bold, powerful, or glamorous in feminine attire.

Pride and rebellion: Defying gender norms as a statement of freedom or identity.

Style Notes:

Flashy outfits, high heels, bold makeup, wigs, accessorizing, body-shaping.

Emphasis on glamour, stylization, or hyper-femininity.

May lean into stereotypes or exaggerated gestures deliberately.

Emotional Payoff:

Visibility, attention, affirmation from others.

Excitement, empowerment, or catharsis.

Where They Overlap

While these approaches seem opposite, they can coexist in the same person. Some dress to blend in during the day and stand out at night. Others start by trying to pass and eventually find joy in flaunting their femininity. It’s also common for people to move back and forth between these modes as their confidence grows or their needs evolve.

Crossdressers who dress to stand out while wanting to blend in are navigating a nuanced, often paradoxical social experience. On one hand, they’re embracing fashion and gender expression that turns heads; on the other, they desire acceptance, normalcy, and even invisibility in their daily lives. Here's a closer look at this complex dynamic:

The Desire to Stand Out

Many crossdressers express themselves through bold, eye-catching fashion:

Statement pieces like patterned tights, flashy heels, or dramatic makeup allow them to affirm their identity and creativity.

Dressing boldly can be a source of empowerment—a way of reclaiming space, breaking norms, or even pushing back on internalized shame.

It may also reflect genuine enjoyment of the feminine aesthetic and the art of styling—similar to how many women use fashion to project confidence, playfulness, or allure.

The Urge to Blend In

At the same time, these same individuals may feel a strong pull to avoid scrutiny:

They might worry about safety, stigma, or judgment—especially in less accepting communities or public settings.

Some wish to be read as women or at least accepted without challenge, which means toning down elements that “give them away” or draw negative attention.

There's often a longing to just be part of the crowd—not a spectacle, not a “teachable moment,” just a person living their life.

The Balancing Act

This creates an interesting fashion and emotional strategy:

Curated contrast: A crossdresser might wear a feminine outfit that’s stylish but avoids hyper-sexualization or theatrical elements. Think: a chic midi skirt with flats and a cardigan, not a glittery mini-dress and stilettos.

Day vs. night wardrobes: Bolder looks might come out in queer clubs, costume parties, or private gatherings, while more understated femininity appears in everyday settings.

Selective presentation: They may lean on accessories, subtle makeup, or androgynous styles that hint at femininity without shouting it, especially when they want to "fit in" at work or on errands. 

The Psychology Behind It

This dual impulse reflects deeper truths:

Authenticity vs. adaptation: Wanting to feel truly themselves, but also to be socially legible and safe.

Visibility vs. vulnerability: Being seen affirms identity, but also invites risk.

Pride vs. pragmatism: The joy of standing out can coexist with the exhaustion of standing out too much.

In Their Own Words

Some might say:

“I want to feel beautiful and feminine, not invisible—but I also don’t want every eye on me when I’m just buying groceries.”

“I dress for me, not for others—but I still think about how others will react.”

“It’s not about passing—it’s about belonging.”

This blend of visibility and discretion is a central tension for many gender-nonconforming people—not just in clothing, but in life. Crossdressers who embrace this tension are often masters of subtle code-switching, aesthetic intuition, and brave vulnerability.

Final Thought

Neither style is “better” or “truer.” Blending in doesn’t mean shame and standing out doesn’t mean vanity. Both are valid forms of self-expression, shaped by the individual’s context, comfort and creativity. Whether it’s a whisper or a shout, crossdressing speaks in many voices. 

Wearing Michael Kors

Danielle Carter, professional femulator

Shapewear Shopping Guide for Womanly Men

Shopping for shapewear as a male crossdresser can be fun, empowering and a little daunting if you’re new to it. Here’s a step-by-step guide—part practical, part playful—that blends functionality with a touch of classic femme flair.

Know Your Goals

What are you trying to achieve?

Tummy control? Look for high-waisted control briefs or a waist cincher.

Curvier hips or butt? Try padded panties or hip enhancers.

Bust shaping? Consider padded bras or even a falsie-compatible shaping cami.

Smooth silhouette under dresses? Go with bodysuits or slips with built-in control.

Measure Like a Lady (With a Twist)

Since most shapewear sizing is based on women’s measurements, grab a soft measuring tape:

Waist: Narrowest point above your belly button.

Hips: Widest part around your butt.

Chest: Around fullest part, especially if you plan to wear breast forms.

Tip: Use women’s size charts but remember: you may need to size up 1 or 2 sizes depending on your build (especially in the shoulders or torso).

Choose the Style for Your Outfit

Under a pencil skirt or tight dress? Go for mid-thigh shorts or a bodysuit.

Something vintage or romantic? Try a longline girdle or corset—glam and functional.

All-day wear? Stick to light-to-medium compression for comfort.

Shop Like a Lady or a Fox

In store?

Walk in with confidence—many lingerie store staff are supportive and used to serving crossdressing clients. Don’t hesitate to say, “I’m shopping for myself” with a smile.

Online? Try:

HerRoom

Glamour Boutique

En Femme

Amazon (for fast try-ons)

Spanx or Maidenform (if you want basics with punch)

Don’t Forget the Extras

Body stocking or pantyhose can smooth lines underneath.

Breast forms may shift—choose a cami or bra that keeps them snug.

Tucking? Consider gaffs or shaping panties made for a smoother front.

Try On, Twirl, Repeat

Don’t be afraid to experiment. Walk, sit and pose in front of the mirror. The right shapewear should:

Make you feel supported, not suffocated.

Help clothes drape elegantly.

Give you a little sparkle of “Ooh, I look good.”

Vintage Etiquette Tip: Always check that your girdle lies flat, your seams are straight and your confidence shines brightest.

Wearing Lilly Pulitzer

Femulating in the 1976 French film Body of My Enemy.

Monday Mash

I Squeemed

I Squeem, You Squeem, We All Squeem for Nice Squeem Dept.

Searching for something else in this blog, I came upon my post extolling the virtues of the Squeem “Perfect Waist” waist cincher. Looking at the accompanying photo, I was impressed by my curvy figure and especially my flat tummy... so impressed that I thought I should revisit wearing the Squeem.

I tried to recall why I had given up wearing the Squeem. Knowing me, I was probably distracted by a new shiny object and abandoned the Squeem for it.

Also, I wondered how the Squeem would fit now that I am 25 pounds lighter than when I had last worn it, so I got it out of storage and tried it on. It fit perfectly. The only difference was that I had to use the “skinny” row of hook-and-eye closures rather than the “chubby” row of closures. 

I added my old Squeem to my arsenal of shapewear. 

Live Wigs Dept.

Big wig buyer that I am, everyday I receive email ads from various wig sellers. The Wig Company recently went above and beyond simple advertisements by introducing its customers to Tia, a wig expert who guest blogged “How To Make Synthetic Wigs Look Realistic. It is an excellent piece and includes a handful of how-to videos and a link to Tia’s YouTube channel that has even more – everything you wanted to know about wigs, but didn’t know who to ask!

Your Bra is My Bra Dept.

After 38 years of marital bliss, I can’t believe that I never knew my spouse’s bra size until I did the laundry the other day and discovered that my wife wears the same size bra as I do (or vice versa). We are so compatible – a match made in heaven!

Wearing Venus

Four femulators are on stage in this scene from the 2017 British film Glamour Dolls.

What’s in your lingerie drawer?

Ladies like us wear some kind of foundation garment to help us achieve a more feminine figure. We have a lot of choices including various types of girdles, cinchers, corsets, bras, all-in-ones, shapers, as well as garments that have padding to give us the girlish hips and/or butts that we lack and desire.

During six decades of femulating, I have tried just about all of the shapewear options. Some were better than others and the best was an all-in-one I purchased in the fall of 1974. 

I was quite closeted back then and used the Halloween girl costume excuse for most of my in-person purchases. With Halloween approaching, I decided to purchase an all-in-one using that excuse. 

I visited an old school lingerie store to make my purchase. A middle-aged woman greeted me as I entered the store. I told her my Halloween story and added that I wanted an all-in-one.

That probably tipped my hand immediately; how many guys know what’s an “all-in-one.”

The woman used a tape measure to take my measurements. Then she went in the back room and returned a few minutes later with two all-in-ones.

“Take these to the dressing room, try them on and call me so I can see if they fit properly.”

I did not expect such a hands-on sale, but was glad to have it. I quickly stripped down to my briefs, zipped myself into my all-in-one and called for the saleswoman and by doing so, I tipped my hand again.

“Wow - that was quick,” she remarked. (I assumed that her other male customers were not as fast as I when trying on their “first” all-in-one.)

She checked me out and gushed over my girlish figure. I tipped my hand again when my face turned beet red in embarrassment. I could not pay for my purchase fast enough and get out Dodge.

I loved that all-in-one. It was constructed with spring-like metal stays and it gave me a figure like no other. It was my go-to foundation garment for years; I repaired it as needed and I wore it until it fell apart. I wish I could find one like it today! But as far as I know, no one produces anything like it. 

I approximate that all-in-one with a Rago style 2202* longline bra combined with a Rago style 6207* high-waist long-leg panty girdle. I add butt padding to pad my butt.

So what’s in your lingerie drawer? What is your favorite shapewear and why? Let me know by commenting below or via email. 

* An Amazon Associate link

Wearing Boston Proper

Esme Percy femulating in the 1930 Hitchcock film Murder!

Keep on Figurin'

Recently, I received compliments about my girlish figure and questions about how I achieve it. 

My natural body shape and your natural body shape are probably different, so what works for me may not work exactly the same for you. My natural body features B cup-sized breasts (44B in the bra department) and womanly hips (when I reduce my waist size). My natural body lacks a shapely derriere – it is as flat as a pancake. I am 6 feet 2 inches tall and weigh 190 pounds. With all that to work with, here is how I work with it.

About a year ago, I wrote about how I achieved my figure. Since then, being quarantined gave me a lot of time to experiment with new things, so almost all the shapewear I used a year ago has changed.

From top to bottom, I wear a bra, corset and padded panty and over it all that, I wear Spanx. These are the exact items I wear with links to my favorite lingerie store, Amazon:

👗 Playtex Love My Curves Feel Gorgeous underwire full coverage bra 

👗 frawirshau satin lace-up boned underbust corset

👗 Rago Style 915 high waist padded panty with soft control

👗 SPANX Oncore open-bust panty bodysuit

Getting dressed, I put the corset on first. It reduces my waistline by a few inches and reveals my womanly hips that were hidden by male disguise. 

Next, I put on the padded panty. Its “soft control” flattens my belly and its rear padding adds shape to the flatlands of my butt. It also provides coverage for the corset’s hardware. 

I tuck my boy parts as I slip on the padded panty. Sometimes, the padded panty keeps the boys at bay, but sometimes it doesn’t, so I usually wear an undersized pair of high waist panties for added security.  

Previously, I wore a longline bra to help flatten my midsection, but that is overkill while wearing a corset. So now I wear pretty bras like the Playtex Love My Curves or Victoria’s Secret Bombshells that I currently own. 

Over everything, I wear the SPANX. It has a front cut out to expose whatever bra I am wearing. Meanwhile, it smooths out any uneveness that may occur between the bra, corset and padded panty. And like the padded panty, it helps to hide the corset’s hardware.

Voila! That is how I achieve my girlish 44-36-44 figure.

With that achievement under my belt, I often wear tight, body-con dresses (“if you got it, flaunt it”) and I never worry about my shapewear giving away my secrets to success because it is invisible.  

Wearing Bebe

Tallulah Bankhead with three chorus “girls” in the play The Garden of Eden, circa 1927
(Thank-you, Mikki)

Go Figure

I have been trying to achieve a female figure ever since I slipped on my mother’s bra and girdle in 1963. In that quest, I have experimented with a wide variety of foundation garments and accessories. I have had some success, but I was never completely satisfied with the results.

Recently losing 25 pounds should have made a difference and I thought that with a few tweaks I could finally grab that brass ring. Two problem areas were holding me back: a flat rear end and a roll of fat above my hips.

(For reference: My foundation garments at the time consisted of an underbust corset worn under a Rago Style 2202 long-line bra and Rago Style 6207 high-waist panty girdle. Spanx open-bust panty bodysuit smoothed out the trio.)

The underbust corset ended at the waistline and caused a roll of fat to sit on my hips just below the bottom of the corset. I thought the solution might be a wider underbust corset that extended below the waistline to rein in the roll of fat.

I found just thing on Amazon: frawirshau lace-up underbust corset. It only cost $12.99 and it worked! The roll disppeared!

You’ve read my thoughts here in the past about eschewing butt pads to add some curves to my flat rear. And I was pretty much resigned to those flat facts. But on the heels of my success in getting rid of my roll, I was tempted by Rago Style 915 high-waist padded panty. The price ($27.49) was reasonable, so I ordered the panty and now I have an ass!

The new trio of shapewear works so well that I don’t need Spanx to smooth things out!

I am completely satisfied with my figure now... a promise of femininity fulfilled!

Wearing Boston Proper

T is for Trinity Heights Christian Academy in Shreveport, LA, where this charming young laddy struts his stuff in the school’s 1984 womanless beauty pageant

Femulator, circa 1895

Rago Girl

I’m a Rago girl.

Rago bras and girdles are my favorite foundation garments. I have tried other brands, but always go back to Rago for the best hourglass figure that a boy can ask for.

On top, I wear Rago’s Long Line “Expandable Cup” Bra. It supports my girls, trims my midriff and is pretty, too. Also, it has a textured 2-inch elastic bottom to prevent the garment from rolling up.

Below, I wear Rago’s Extra Firm Zippered High Waist Long Leg Shaper or as I prefer to call it “girdle.” It fits tightly to give you the shape you desire, but it is still very comfortable – I can wear it all day (and I have). The girdle has a split crotch so that you don’t have to remove it when you use the little girl’s room, yet it is tight enough so that you can tuck those unsightly parts out of sight.

Fashionista that I am, I own a Rago bra and girdle set in both black and white.

The accompanying video will show you what Rago’s bra and girdle can do for you. I just wish they had used a girl like us to demonstrate the garments.

C’est la vie.

Wearing Tahari ASL

Professional femulator Sone Teal, circa 1960

Loving Honeylove Shapewear

By Bobbi R

Hi Stana,

With your recent weight loss, you probably will not be using this shapewear, but there are a few of us larger “girls” that may benefit from their use. 

The company is called Honeylove.com. I happened upon their website and their offerings looked very interesting especially with my figure issues, which are a flabby lower tummy muffin top and saggy tush.

My initial purchase was the Super Power Short. It has a large X tummy panel and a very high waist. It also has a high waist that goes all the way up to my bra band. Now I no longer require a longline bra. 

The downside is that it's difficult to put on. It is very tight initially, but becomes less so each time you wear it. Gently work it up, centering the X panel over your tummy and suddenly your tummy and muffin top are gone. And, after a few minutes, the initial tightness goes away and you will feel firm and sleek. 

After donning a pencil skirt or bodycon dress, you'll be a convert – your outfits will look great. In fact, the first time I wore it out to a girls' night out dinner, I received many compliments on my appearance and after several hours of wear, it remained comfortable to the point that I forget that I was wearing shapewear. 

It has a split crotch to make trips to the ladies' room relatively easy. The rear “BoostBands” provide a little welcome boost. However, at the end of the day or evening, when getting undressed, you'll feel really soft and flabby... at least I did. 

I also tried the Queen Brief. It provides excellent support especially when wearing shorter skirts, but it can be worn with all outfits.

Depending on which size you select, click on the link to show the garment in your size. The styles are relatively expensive, but in my opinion, are worth the cost as the results speak volumes and you will definitely feel great in all your outfits. Honeylove's guarantee makes it worthwhile to try the different styles. The company's guarantee is either you like it or simply return it for a full refund.

Anyway, as the old saying goes, “nothing ventured nothing gained” definitely applied. When you have an opportunity, check out the website and their offerings.

Wearing Venus

Padding Your Hips and Rear Again

I recently reviewed the Padded Rear and Hips Shaping Girdle (PR&HSG) from Glamour Boutique. My review motivated Velma to purchase a PR&HSG for herself. Her review follows.

I just got a chance to wear my PR&HSG in the real world for the first time.

As per the Glamour Boutique, the sales outlet, they advised me via email on the proper size I should order. The order using standard shipping was totally timely, and discrete. I was further incentivized by the fact the garment was on ale for $10 off as well as the $5 first time purchaser discount.

I ordered waist size 38 and it went on with no struggle or tug. The first thing I noticed was how I achieved a real hip and derriere defined waistline so that skirts with elastic waistband would hang properly and not accidentally slip and fall on that specifically defined waistline.

I also tried the PR&HSG while wearing several different styles of jeans shorts'and regular leg jeans (woman's size 16/16W), which were made from the type of jeans cloth having the lycra-spandex stretch characteristics unique to womans clothing. Everything fit, just with a curvier feel and greater, curvier, visual aspect. That was a great relief, so I did not have to start replacing wardrobe due to size change. The nice feeling of sitting down while wearing the PR&HSG was also a plus.

I also tried to add more derriere by adding another somewhat thin, but curvy, pre-molded well-defined cheeks, shapewear derriere over the PR&HSG and that also did help enhance, but not exaggerate the derriere because men in our family are all seriously gluteus maximus deficient.

If I have any issue with the PR&HSG, it that it could use thicker and taller hip pads for more accent on the hips. I have some extra hip pads around the house and I plan to insert them on my next femulation foray.

One thing before I go: I neglected to do a supplemental measurement of my new waist/hip measurement numbers just to be more aware of future clothing purchases.

Would I purchase it again? Yes

Wearing Venus

Richard Kline (right) femulates in a 1982 episode of television's Three's Company.

Padding Your Hips and Rear

I recently obtained a Padded Rear and Hips Shaping Girdle (PR&HSG) from Glamour Boutique.

Glamour Boutique claims that their PR&HSG adds four inches to overall hip measurement (one inch to each hip and one inch to each side of the fanny/bottom) to give an instant realistic feminizing shape.

One inch may not sound like much, but the difference with and without a PR&HSG is very noticeable. I could not believe how hippy I became wearing my PR&HSG. Wow — what a difference!

Glamour Boutique also claims that the padding used in the PR&HSG is carefully sculpted to give seamless curves rather than the bumpy effect so often seen on other padded shapewear.

I wholeheartedly agree. After I slipped on my PR&HSG, what I saw below my waist looked authentic. There was nothing to giveaway the fact that my hips and rear were artificially enhanced.

The PR&HSG also features a crotch flap so you can go to the ladies' room without removing the garment and has hidden garter tabs so you can attach stockings to your PR&HSG.

Very important is the fact that the PP&SG is very comfortable to wear and you will not know you are wearing the PR&HSG unless you see your shapely figure in a mirror. You can wear the PR&HSG all day long and not feel any discomfort.

There are no zippers or hooks and eyes to close after you slip into your PR&HSG. Instead, you must pull a rather stiff garment up over your hips (in my case, I had to pull a garment with a 34-inch waist over my 42-inch hips.) It was so difficult when I "slipped" on my PR&HSG for the first time, I thought that it was the wrong size, but after I managed to pull it over my hips, it fit like a glove. I imagine that after a break-in period, the PR&HSG will have more give and be easier to slip on, but that remains to be seen.

Overall, Glamour Boutique's PR&HSG is a quality product that will improve the figure of any femulator whose lower torso is not naturally well-endowed.

Professional femulators Rogers and Starr, circa 1960