Friday, August 25, 2017

Let's Go Out Again

My previous post (Let's Go Out) described my early baby steps out of the closet en femme, going to Halloween parties and attending my support group meetings and its rare outings where brief encounters with civilians were always a possibility.

I wanted more, but I still feared that my size would out me. I attended a few trans conventions, which were typically held in high-rise hotels. In those scenarios, there was a greater chance to mix with the civilians, but in truth, the hotels were just a bigger closet than the one at home or at the hall where my support group met.

One of my friends dragged me out of the hotel to shop or dine. Although I looked passable, those were deer-in-the-headlight moments. I acted like a man in a dress in fear of being found out rather than acting like a natural born woman. As a result, I was read right and left.

I retreated to the closets where I felt more comfortable and I became even more active in my support group editing their newsletter and running their annual banquet. The latter probably helped me a lot because I had to deal with civilians who ran the hotel where we held our banquets. In boy mode, I would contact the banquet person at the hotel and meet with her to arrange the event. In doing so, I was admitting to a civilian that I was trans and guess what? The world did not end and the news did not phase her one iota!

As I became more active, the need to go out increased. Finally, I had to do something, so one day, I dressed to shop (sweater tunic, leggings, booties, etc) and drove to West Farms Mall. I sat in my car for almost a half hour before I could overcome my fear and push myself out of my car and into the mall.

As an average looking, middle-aged woman, I was invisible shopping in the mall. No one paid any attention to me except for the sales people trying to sell me their wares. If any sales person figured me out, he or she did not indicate the discovery and treated me as the woman I portrayed. And guess what? The world did not end and my presence in the mall did not phase the civilians one iota.

The flood gates were now open and I began going out with great abandon. I attended a four-day workshop in Manhattan as a woman, I started doing outreach at colleges and universities as a woman,  I began attending ham radio events as a woman, I attended my law school reunion as a woman, etc. Whenever I went out without my family, I went out as a woman.

And guess what? The world did not end and my presence in the world as a woman did not phase the civilians one iota.

Source: Veronica Beard
Wearing Veronica Beard (Source: Veronica Beard)

Miguel Bosé
Miguel Bosé femulating in the 1991 Spanish film High Heels.


  1. It is just so good to break out of the closet and be in the world as a woman. Feels so natural and normal and you've not looked back since. So hope many others take your encouragement. Love Linda

  2. Still no this is a topic you should talk about when you go to Fantasia fair. I enjoyed reading about this immensely. I am sure that others trying to step out into the world would benefit from hearing of your experience and your emergence. Along with this discussion you could perhaps provide a basic how to and getting out make up hair clothes etc. I was enjoy your topics

  3. My first step truly outside the closet, I went shopping, not too near home. But I was still so frightened of both being read, and of being recognised I decided that if I didn't wear my glasses I would be harder to recognise. Of course the downs ide was that I couldn't see, so that lasted about 10 minutes. Once the fear passes then the experience of being out openly as a girl can be truly transformative, it certainly was for me.