Wednesday, December 14, 2011

My Quest

In 1983, I purged everything related to femulating.

Not only did I discard replaceable items like clothing, wigs, makeup, etc., I also discarded irreplaceable items, primarily my collection of self-taken photographs. As a result, I no longer own a single photo of myself en femme prior to age 32.

Starla has been scouring the Internet searching online high school yearbooks for photos of high school femulations. She has sent me her findings and I have posted some of them here in the past.

Last week, it occurred to me that there were yearbook photos of me en femme (at the ripe old age of 25) attending my law school's Halloween party. I lost the yearbook (it went out with everything else in the great purge of 1983), but I wondered if Starla could find it online.

I asked her, but after searching her resources, she responded that she could not find it. She explained that the majority of online yearbooks are of the high school variety; only a few college and graduate school yearbooks are online. She suggested contacting my law school.

I phoned the law school library and asked if they had the yearbook in their stacks. They checked and as it turned out, they had it! They welcomed me to visit the library to view it and photocopy anything I wanted.

Wednesday, I dressed en femme. I wore the black dress with the sequins pattern at the neckline that I bought from Ideeli, nude pantyhose, my new Nine West patent red and black Mary Janes, a new matching red bag from ShoeDazzle, earrings, bracelet, and watch. I topped everything off with my white fake fur coat and was off to Springfield to visit my alma mater.

(I might mention here that although I graduated from law school, I never practiced in the profession --- not for one second. My first love was writing and while I waited for the results of the bar exam, I got a job as a writer and never looked back.)

An hour later, I arrived at the law school, parked the Subaru, and walked to the school entrance.

There was a security guard station at the entrance. The library is not open to the general public; only students, alumni, faculty, and attorneys can gain admittance. I explained to the guard that I was an alumnus and she asked me for a photo ID. As I extracted my driver's license from my purse, I told the guard that I was trans and that I looked a little different than the photo on the ID.

She said, "You're not the first."

After she logged me in, I walked down the hall to the library. It was deserted. Final exams were underway and I assume most of the students were in the classrooms filling up blue books. (Do they still use blue books?)

The library staff had set the yearbook aside for me, so they did not have to search the stacks again. I just had to fill out a simple form to borrow the book.

I found a comfy chair in the library lounge to cuddle up with the book and recall the past. I was sure that there were two candid photos of me attending that Halloween party 35 years ago en femme and I was a correct.

I wish I had my computer scanner to copy the photos, but all I had access to was a copying machine. I did my best adjusting the darkness to capture the best image and the results accompany this post.

By the way, you find me in the photos wearing my first wig (purchased at a local Frederick's of Hollywood store), my mother's skirt, my own boy mode sweater, a blouse of unknown origin, and my first pair of Mary Janes.

And I was so young --- so young that it brings tears to my eyes!


  1. Stana,

    You looked very nice, back in the day, and I can see you're the same as the Stana of now; pretty!

    D'you look back at the photos with any regrets (beyond the purges) for paths not taken?

    I do when I think back to what life might have been if I'd made some different choices, but life was different then, and society was not as tolerant as now...



  2. Stana, I loved reading this story for so many reasons.

    What a great thing it is to find a piece of your past like this, especially when you thought it had been lost.

    I also like the library guard's remark. I don't think a guard would have said something like this even 10 years ago. Things are changing, very slowly, but more "civilians" are seeing us as people. That's a good thing.

    I understand your feeling how remembering yourself as being so young. I wish I had the pictures I took when I was 25. Although my look was not at all polished, being 25 and slender made up for my lack of skill with clothes and makeup. I wish I knew then about how many of us were around and wish I would have been able to meet and know other girls.

  3. Dear Stana,

    Congratulations on your successful quest! You look lovely in the yearbook photos. What a fun (and also emotional) day you had. Like you, and many T-Girls, I purged a couple of times (the last time being about 25 to 30 years ago). I'm happy I finally accepted my need to crossdress. I will enjoy my femme side (along with my guy side) for the rest of my life



  4. Wonderful story

  5. The whole story brings a tear to my eye. Looking back always makes me think about where I was then and what different roads could have been taken from there. And, this is just so much more profound an example of that.

    One thing that really hit me about the photos, I must say, is that you don't look the slightest bit like you're in a costume.

    BTW Happy Holidays, my dear.


  6. Lana --- If I knew then what I know now, I would have taken a different path.

  7. Janie --- You are absolutely correct and I did not realize it until you mentioned it. That is no costume; that's me!

  8. "wearing my first wig (purchased at a local Frederick's of Hollywood store), my mother's skirt, my own boy mode sweater, a blouse of unknown origin, and my first pair of Mary Janes."

    ... and a bra.

    Feel like a woman. Wear a bra

    You knew what was important. :)

  9. Meg --- Your comment stirred up my memories and I just recalled that I bought the bra at Frederick's at the same time I bought the wig. I also remember the saleslady trying to sell me a pair of cheap foam rubber "falsies" that slipped into the pocket in each cup of the bra.

  10. Stana,
    I too have told people up front that I was trans and it has disarmed them immediately. At times it is a great tactic.