Saturday, March 13, 2010

loose ends regarding my rebirthday

Paula sent the following e-mail in response to "my rebirthday" post:

I have some questions. They may best be answered in a blog entry rather than in a reply to me, since many other readers likely have the same questions.

1. Does this mean you now have a "green light" to dress as a woman at your job whenever you like?

2. If so, are you going to do from here on out? I would think you would need to do it every day, as it would be confusing to your co-workers to see you in guy mode some days, then gal mode other days.

3. What does your wife think of this new development?

4. Are you now going to dress as a woman 24/7? At work and away from work?

Along with the multitude of preparations genetic women perform getting ready to go out, you of course have some extra ones:

1. You have to shave your face extra-close at least once a day and wear a makeup foundation to cover any traces of stubble.

2. You may have to shave your chest and shoulders/arms.

3. You have to tuck or at least wear a snug panty girdle or gaff even if its uncomfortable or hot.

4. At least you don't have to use breast forms!

5. You have to maintain a wig - cleaning, styling, etc.

6. You may have to wear foundations to give you a womanish figure.

7. Hot weather may make several of these measures very uncomfortable. Would you dress as a woman anyway, regardless of the discomfort.

I'm just wondering if doing this continual effort, day after day, would become burdensome, and result in you taking some short-cuts and a more simplified, casual presentation (like so many women today adopt).

My reply:

I did not discuss traffic lights when I spoke with HR. I am out in a lot of ways and I'd like to be out more, but one thing that has been holding me back is repercussions at work if I am discovered.

So, I spoke with HR to find out if there would be any repercussions. My HR rep assured me it was against company policy. She told me that if anything came up in the workplace that bothered me concerning my being out, that I should complain to HR and they would squash the problem.

I told her that I had no plans at this time to dress as a woman at work. She told me that when I was ready to discuss the matter further, she welcomed me to talk with her. She was very positive and if I decided to present as a woman at work, she wanted me to talk with her about it first in order to pave the way and make my journey as smooth as possible.

That kind of makes your other questions moot, but I agree that if I did begin dressing at work, I would do it every day rather than switch teams one day to next.

I am well aware of the maintenance involved regarding hair. Having had a taste at living 24/7 for short stints, for example, 5 days in NYC and 8 days in Provincetown, I got used to the regime involved, so I don't think it would be a big deal. Also, living full-time would probably move me to seek out permanent hair removal.

I always wear a girdle (just like any proper circa-1960's woman should), so that takes care of the tucking issue.

Full-time, I would probably grow my hair out and eliminate the wig issue.

I have dressed in hot weather and it is not as bad as I thought it would be. And if I had to do it everyday, I would make some wardrobe adjustments to be more comfortable. Growing my hair out and discarding the wigs would make a big difference in that regard.

The bottom line is that if I lived full-time, it would be a dream come true and I would do whatever it took to make it work.

By the way, my wife's support is minimal. She knows that being female is a part of me and she accepts it, but she'd prefer if it weren't so.


  1. What I read out of that post was that it was just an inquiry, as you said, and not that you were going full time. If love your life, till death do you part as I do mine, than you don't want to lose her. Instead, as I do, you compromise which, for me and possibly for you, is the ultimate sacrifice that your wife will just never even come close to understanding.

    Calie xxx

  2. Calie --- I guess some people thought there was more going on. Yes, "compromise" is my middle name!

  3. Staci,

    I typed that last comment in a rush, with a huge error. It is important to me, so I am sending it with the corrections, although I think you got what I was trying to say:

    If love your wife, till death do you part as I do mine, then you don't want to lose her.


  4. Calie --- Yes, I got it, and if I had the option of correcting your comment, I would have done it.

  5. Thank you Staci for your candid reply to the inquiry. We greatly appreciate your openness.


  6. What charming bravery. As a CD-er of many decades, I’m still addicted to the frippery, and the absurdity of what you, and we, do. I look at your site most days.

    But, when my waning rational brain kicks in, I know we’ll never pass, at the visual, social, family, medical, or chromosome level.

    So here’s the paradox, femulators are destined to wrestle with “it”, every minute of every day. And yet for anyone not so obsessed – friends, family, work-place colleagues – our condition is as welcome as a porcupine in a feather bed. And watching you, Staci (and others in transition), is like seeing the final reel of a movie in which a heartbreakingly brave, but doomed army, chooses to sacrifice itself in the face of overwhelming odds, fighting for a futile cause. The internet, and the support and advisers there, are false and self-serving. I liken them to the politicians who cajole that bloody but unbowed raggle taggle army to take another hill. Only we know that there’s an infinite number of hills. The movie is played inexorably, and infinitely slowly. The end is inevitable. And – do you know - most of the world does not give a single damn.

    For a genetic male (let’s allow the girls to make their own choices) transition is just suicide. A few angels emerge, but 99% of us are not destined to be amongst them.

    And since suicide is about as 100% selfish an act as can be devised let’s ask “do I love my wife, more than myself ?”

    Next, overarching this, there is that ultimate question. “After spending many thousands of dollars, and huge amounts of time, removing hair in the wrong places, growing hair in the right places, choosing shoes that fit, allowing barely competent surgeons to resculpt those pesky genitals, trying but never quite passing, alienating family and friends, what am I going to do with my life, and how does masquerading as a member of the other sex help, exactly?”

    And finally, lets get uber-realistic. Unless we are very very exceptional, no employer wants to keep anyone who will cause such a distraction. The occasional, prurient interest that others, such as your HR colleague, show for your condition, should not be mistaken for any realistic expectation of even-handed treatment by the rest of the Company. With 10m unemployed why would they?

    Staci, I see from your web-site, that you’re obsessed. We all are. It’s like being handcuffed to a lunatic. Unless you can make a living out of being an oddity (like RuPaul) you’ve just got to keep that loony under cold-hearted, ruthless, and pragmatic control.

    All the best,
    Tim (aka Paulette)

  7. Having read this post, if you do indeed follow through on this course of being a part time 'working girl' I feel congratulations are in order in achieving what must surely be the ultimate cross-dressing fantasy.

    However, I cannot help but feel this cheapens the experience somewhat for those that have made (or are making) a permanent transition of gender.

  8. Staci -

    Comments by individuals like Tim/Paulette show that the span of transgender is certainly a wide one.
    While I respect the viewpoints of readers of your learns that living one's truth is essential to being fulfilled with one's life.
    Words like obsessed, lunatic and oddity do not refer to who or what I am, nor do I think that they refer to you either.

  9. The confusion of sexual relations for me
    was a result of paternal sexual abuse. I have been confused, conflicted, resentful. I have had some remarkable recovery, but still am terrified of a physical relationship of any kind.
    Thank you God for always being there waiting for me.