Wednesday, March 31, 2010

coming out: another step

laptop100331 One of my friends, who I have known for over 15 years, lives 2500 miles away. Except for one or two face-to-face encounters at conferences each year, all our communications are by e-mail.

The next conference I attend will be en femme and I wanted to alert him beforehand.

In anticipation of coming out, I had composed a 500-word letter of explanation weeks ago. Yesterday at high noon, I copied the words into a blank e-mail, made a few changes, then I stared at the Send button for a few hours.

I did not actually stare at the Send button all that time, but I did consider whether or not to send the e-mail for three hours.

It was a tough decision. In the past, I have come out to friends and acquaintances who have known me for a long or short time, but all of them were women.

I find it very easy to come out to women. I guess because I am telling them that I am on their team.

Men are not so easy. Just encountering men when I am en femme gives me pause; coming out to a man is unthinkable. My friend would be the first male friend or acquaintance I would be coming out to.

I finally realized that I had to tell him, so I hit the Send button and girded myself for his reply.

I was so worried about his response that I did not check my e-mails the rest of the afternoon. Finally, after dinner, I looked for his reply, found it, and opened it.

He wrote, "Thank you for the e-mail. I am sure it was hard to send. But rest assured, you have my respect and support. I think it is best that a person be true to themselves, and you are doing just that. You go girl!"

He floored me with “You go girl!”

Now, that's a real friend!


  1. Wow. Congratulations! It must be nice for you to know that you have chosen your friends well over the years.

    Much respect ...

  2. What a wonderful story! I am very proud of both of you.

  3. I read this post and said to myself:


    But, I see Petra has already said that.

    This one really hit me. I simply do not have the courage to do what you have done.

    You rock, girl!

    Calie xx

  4. I worried about that when I was working, the old saying "a secret shared is a secret no longer."

    I ending up telling only 3 people, HR, the general manager and HR assistant.

  5. Thanks for sharing this. I have an appointment with a male endrochinologist next week and have been apprehensive about it. Like you, I find it easier to talk to women about my feminine nature. With men, there's the fear they will criticize us for leaving the winning team. Now I have a little more hope things will go smoothly.


  6. Good for you. The only way to change things is to come out. Coming out is the single most powerful step. If everyone simply came out, the world would be transformed. I am really encouraging my partner to come out to everyone she can. It seems easier with new friends, harder with old friends.

  7. That is so great Staci! Thank you for sharing that, and please thank HIM for quashing your fears by being so accepting, and further, supportive to you! i hope he realizes how good of a person he is.

    Be well,
    brianna :)

  8. hi Staci, I've been an admirer of your blog for a while, and my admiration has just got bigger. you're a galaxy ahead of most of us. thank you for the inspiration
    best greetings from belgium

  9. Great stac! Can you can share any of the letter, keeping it private where it needs to be...?

  10. Thank you all for the positive comments.

    Deborah --- I will edit the letter where it needs to be edited and then, I will post it here as soon as I can.

  11. it must be so nice for you to have such a lovely friend