Thursday, October 13, 2022

Done That

Diana’s post on Wednesday reminded me that Tuesday was National Coming Out Day. 

I missed another one! 

It is not an entry on my calendar because I don’t have to worry about coming out any longer. I am out to just about everyone I know (and don’t know). The only stragglers are some aunts and first cousins and the Internet savvy ones probably know if they ever Googled our last name because my “secret identity” comes up in the Google search results. (Note to cousins: You can tell me you know. I won‘t be embarrassed.)

C'est la vie!

One truth I discovered when coming out is that you are likely to have better reactions if you do it yourself rather than via a second party. I have come out to hundreds of people and have had no negative reactions (to my face – who knows what goes on behind my back?) The worst reaction was from an old friend who remarked, “Why would anyone choose to be a woman?”

When you use an intermediary, the reactions may not be so positive. My wife did a lot of the coming out to her family and friends. As a result, one long-time girlfriend ended her relationship with my wife over it. My in-laws, in general, were not supportive (oddly, the wife of my very non-supportive brother-in-law was very supportive). 

If I came out to them myself, I wonder if their reactions would have been better?

I was not always so free about revealing my secret identity. In the past, I took baby steps when I came out, carefully picking and choosing the people I considered coming out to and mulling over whether to do it or not.

Early on, I only came out to females – never to males. It was easy to come out to females because I was telling them that I am on their team. Men were not so easy. Just encountering men when I was en femme used to give me pause; coming out to a man was unthinkable. But I finally reached a point when I had to come out to males.

When I decided to attend a ham radio convention as a woman, I felt obligated to inform the officers and directors of the organization whose booth I would be staffing at the convention (I was an officer and director myself). 

I composed a coming out letter. That was the easy part. Sending it was the hard part.

I recall copying that letter into the text of an email, adding all the email addresses into the To: field and then hesitating to click on the Send button for hours... over three hours. 

I finally realized that my hesitancy was ridiculous – I had to come out to these people or chuck my plans to attend the convention as a woman. So I clicked on the Send button and waited for the reaction.

The response was anti-climatic. I received 100% support from the people who received my email. Not a discouraging word was heard.

And so it goes.

Source: Venus
Wearing Venus

Greg Kean
Greg Kean femulating in a 1993 episode of television’s Designing Women.


  1. C'est la guerre!

    When you hesitated prior to sending your EMail, it emulated what many of us went through the first time we hesitated before going from our cars to our first CD/TG meetings or get-togethers. Once we did it, we discovered, as you did, that we didn't have to be so worried. But it's still one of the biggest "steps" you took -- good on you!

  2. I LOVE the dress for today from Venus. As it turns out, I have the variation of this same dress, but with a top of black polka dots on a white background and a slightly different metallic configuration. It looks and fits beautifully, especially with the sleeve/arm length, which often becomes a problem for some of us.

  3. “Why would anyone choose to be a woman?”

    One does not simply choose 😉 IMO, a person's identity is something they have, discover, or move to. They only choice, I think, is around being open about who you are. I feel that's a slightly more complicated situation.

  4. In my early days of me searching the internet for answers I came across a case of a mother taking her teenage son to the doctor.
    I searched but have not been able to find the article again.
    His response was "why would you want to become a 2nd class citizen".

  5. A Song for this Topic....

  6. Stana, your hesitation to send that email brings back memories for me. I wrote a "coming out" letter to my wife. My hands were trembling when I wrote the word "crossdresser" in the letter. Just writing that word I was a mess. Something about "putting it in writing" makes it so official! LOL. I remember that hesitation all too well. But like you, I got over it and the letter went well with my wife. She is the only one who knows. And of course since then I have dealt with my denials and consider myself Trans.

  7. I did things out in the open in the very beginning. My wife teased me about starting estrogen therapy 12 years ago. I took her up on her suggestion, and after that time I developed a feminine figure and appearance. However, my singing and speaking voice remained a bass (not baritone) which I do not want to change. I was toying about the idea of taking on a feminine variation of my name, Johanna. However, ultimately I rejected the idea.
    I am the only true bass singer in my church choir so I'm really reluctant to try to imitate a genetic woman. I wear dresses most of the time, and I have my hair past my shoulder. My bra cup size is DD. In addition to dresses I also wear heels and makeup when I go to the Sunday morning service.
    So I resemble to a large degree a genetic woman but I have the voice that is deep for a man.


  8. Rachel McNeillOctober 18, 2022

    I am as "out" as I can be. I'm not living full-time, but I live "anytime" that I can make time for Rachel. I am retired now, so I never needed to address gender issues with an employer. THAT would have been a big deal. All my friends know, and while some are still puzzled 12 years after my going public, none of them pulled away or shunned me.