Monday, August 15, 2022

Fear Not

By Paula Gaikowski

Paula on a train in London
I step toward the mirror; there she is “Paula.” A huge smile flashes across my face, a joyfulness takes over, a sense of relief. I primp in the mirror then pack my purse, credit cards, license, cash and room key. I primp in the mirror again. My nails! I forgot my nails. It takes a few minutes, but they’re pretty, a press-on French manicure – just the right feminine detail. 

I check my purse again. I’m nervous; there’s a bit of trepidation as I stand in front of the door. Faintly I hear his voice pulling me back. I stand there frozen. I open the door and step out and take a few steps. Filled with fear, I run back to the safety of the hotel room.

I go back out. This time I make it to the car. Oh gosh, as much as I want to, I can’t do this and I run back to the room. I spend the rest of the night doing my makeup and trying on different outfits. Next time I tell myself, next time.

I didn’t bust out of my and Dockers and into a skirt and heels without a struggle. This butterfly spent a lot of time as a caterpillar emerging. I spent most of the 90’s doing just what I described above and it wasn’t until 2006 that I started going out and about on a regular basis as a woman.

I was fearful of many things, but mostly it was a matter of self-acceptance. I gave myself permission to be transgender. Sounds simple, even silly, however, I finally realized that it was okay if I didn’t pass. I’ve grown a lot over the years. I no longer see my dressing as a woman as a problem to be solved. I am not doing anything wrong. I’ve cast off society’s condemnation of being transgender and realized that I am a good person and that part of my personality and character involves being transgender. 

Attributes I see missing in many men, such as nurturing, kindness, compassion and cooperation are parts of my personality that I believe come from my feminine side. When I am in public, if somebody realizes that I was a transgender woman that is okay because I am. That made a big difference in my frame of mind and allowed me to walk out the door.

As we all know, the fears we had were unfounded. Some of us went out and passed some of the time, but if we didn’t pass, we were still treated with respect and politeness.

Still many of us struggle with that bit of apprehension when leaving the refuge of our home or hotel room. After two years of pandemic imposed exile, I find myself acting like I did back in the 90’s. Gazing at that door with trepidation and pondering “what if, oh no!” 

So I came up with a little psychological ploy to overcome my doubts, fears and worries. One of the hurdles I had to get over was that I thought of myself as a man going out into the world dressed as a woman. Although I live as man most of the time, deep down I am a woman and for reasons too complex and drawn-out to list here, I live as a man.

Before going out, I check myself over making sure my look is complete. I take several minutes and begin meditating. This is a very peaceful time. After getting dressed and transforming myself, I feel so feminine, harmonious and euphoric. 

I imagine myself as a transgender woman who transitioned many years ago. I live as woman every day now, I tell myself. There is no reason to fear because I wear these clothes and makeup every day. I am Mrs. Paula Gaikowski, a married woman with a loving husband and family. I have a successful career as a woman. This is who I really am and who I was meant to be, so go forth without fear or worry and enjoy being my true self.

When I walk out that door that’s how I see myself. t works for me; maybe it will help you, too. 

Source: Venus
Wearing Venus

Femulating on Hungarian television’s Éretlenek


  1. Thank you for sharing, Paula. Hearing how you've come to terms with who you are - and who you need to be - was both uplifting and helpful.

    PS: thanks to Stana for featuring this post.

  2. I've yet to go out in the real world among the civilians but I'm going to try your advice and work up the courage to go be seen as the real me, wish me luck! Hugs Allison!

  3. I love your posts, Paula. They always make me think about Mikki vs Mike, and today's really has me going over my history of going out as Mikki.

    No more boring everyone with taking a very long time to go from my car to the building where there was a meeting. Going out with the girls after that meeting seemed to solve that problem. I had gone for years seeing my dressing as a problem,, but actually sharing with fellow crossdressers showed me dressing was not a problem. I probably didn't really believe that deep down because I never went through one of those dreaded purges. Dressing is part of who I am. Without dressing in my life I'm an incomplete human.

    When I dress to go out as Mikki, it's as if some "switch" gets thrown and I get fully into "Mikki mode". If, for instance, I'm going to get my hair done or have a makeover, I always get fully dressed. In my Mikki clothes I will head to my hairdresser, parking on a city street and letting whomever see this man in a dress head to the salon. I have my own long hair, by the way. She doesn't do makeup, so my next step is to have this man in a dress with very lovely hair head to his car and go to the MAC makeover person in a strip mall Ulta store -- more parking and having whomever do a "WTF" look if they please. I might note here that once my hair is done I haven't noticed "looks". No so before the hair appointment.

    So, when I'm dressed, painted and have pretty hair am I heading out as a woman? Afraid not. When I got to that paragraph in Paula's post I thought, "Here's where I stop". I'm a large person and don't pass at all. When I was in my first CD/TG group I was among a number of men in dresses. We all knew we didn't pass, but we also knew we weren't complete without our female side. Not that we always have to be dressed, just be able to dress when we want or need it.

    Armed with the idea that, "Nobody out there knows me and I don't know them" and "People have better things to do than gawk at crossdressers", I'm off into the world, my skirt brushing sensually on my legs and knowing that I've dressed as well as I can to fit in with cis women, I feel confident and, sometimes I'll let myself think I'm actually pretty. After I do what I do as Mikki, I return home, my "feminine batteries fully charged" and just bask in the memory of my night -- and thinking about Mikki's next foray into the world. I feel complete.

    1. Miki Thank you so much for sharing your views and ideas, I really appreciate any input from our sisters here at Femulate. This is what makes us a community. You reference that "switch", yes I understand that once I am in that mode so to speak I am ready to go.

  4. Paula, thank you for baring your soul.your style is is clear and honest. You are a good role model for all following behind you and hopefully able to more quickly understand their true woman within. And Mikki, same for you as well. Be strong. Be true to yourself. May we all find our own version of true womanhood, Paula's euphoria!

    1. You're welcome I am always happy to hear what others think about my articles I spend a lot of time and thought into them

  5. Thank you for your lovely article Paula! Something you said near the end struck a chord with me. Being dressed enfemme helps to put me in a meditative state. When I'm feeling a little anxious or stressed, I take a few moments to close my eyes and focus on the feel of the outfit I'm wearing: the snugness of my panties, the constriction of my bra, the delightful pinch of pointy shoes, the feel of the fabric of my dress or pantyhose on my skin. It helps to put me in the "here and now" unlike anything I can do when I'm enhomme, and perhaps that is one of the reasons I find my time enfemme to be so rewarding, and maybe even necessary for my mental health. It's as though I can breathe easier when I femulate.

    Ciao! Elise