Wednesday, January 8, 2020

My Not So Secret Identity

When I was closeted, my secret identity was a well-kept secret. People who knew Stana, only knew Stana and people who knew Stan, only knew Stan.

After I left the closet, people who only knew Stan, now knew Stana, too. To confuse matters, Stan no longer existed to some of the people who only knew Stan – they only know Stana. On the other hand, since I am not Stana full-time, there are people who know me as both Stan and Stana, like the staffs at my hairdresser, bank, doctor's office, grocery store, former employer, the boutiques I regularly patronize, etc.

Then there are the people, who I met after I came out of the closet. They never knew Stan and only know Stana.

I almost need a scorecard to keep everything straight (if you can call that “straight”).

I should be straight with everyone and that would make life easier, but there are some people who cannot handle the truth... mostly relatives who have known Stan (and only Stan) for decades. But now that I think about it, some of those relatives have seen “Halloween Stana,” so they might not be as surprised as I think they might be.

If I can only convince my wife about going full-time, but that is probably a bridge to far. Then again, maybe not.

Source: Eloquii
Wearing Eloquii

Colin Ross and Terry Bartlett
British professional femulators Colin Ross and Terry Bartlett, circa 1940


  1. I feel like my label has been taken. Femulator (thank you!) is the closest we have now to describe a part-timer. Crossdresser and transvestite are looked down upon (and I don't know why). To most civilians, transgender is another word for transsexual, so it ain't me.

    And the introduction with "and my pronouns are..." leaves us out too, unless you want to spend a minute or more explaining "if I look like a girl, she/her. If I look like a boy, he/him."

  2. Hi Stana,

    This is another post that will strike home with so many of us. I for one am in the same boat – some know only my male persona, some as Claire and some as both. (Maybe we need to design a Day Timer to keep this “straight”!) What I find interesting is that some women who know me in both personas tell me they prefer to be with Claire – aren’t true GF’s wonderful?

    My wife and I often go out as two gals, and my NY’s resolution is to spend at least half my time as me (I mean the “real” me ��). As to going full-time, I’m not sure that I am quite ready for that – but sure have thought about it!

  3. While I am still in the metaphorical closet, I do feel the same way as Meg. If I were out, it would be as a "part-timer" and I would hope to be addressed properly given the way I looked. It's not likely anyway as my wife is unsupportive.

    Labels are hard for me. I know I am not going to transition but I do use "transgender" more than "crossdresser" as it is more acceptable to the world at large. I like "femulator" but it requires more explanation.

  4. I have always had a hard time identifying myself as transgender, since I have no desire to transition - nor do I feel "trapped" in the wrong body. Maybe my definition of trans is too old fashioned and needs updating.
    I also have people in the 3 different groups - know only Julie, know only Jerry, know both (granted that third group is VERY small). My biggest struggle at present is convincing my wife (somewhat supportive) to let me tell our 17 year old son. That would open up a lot more time for Julie to be around the house.

  5. Once I decided to be Mikki at times other than crossdressing events I was judicious about when I presented as Mikki around home. But now, as time has gone by, I just have the attitude of, "If they see me, they know", and just go about my business. If neighbors ask -- and they have -- I use "transgender" and tell them it's a big umbrella and I'm out on the crossdresser edge.

    The people in my grocery stores, mini marts, gas stations, bank, a few Macy's and Catherine's, just to name a few, see me as Mikki on a regular basis. I've been getting "Ma'am" a lot more of late and from time to time get "Sir". OK, I'm a man in a dress and know who I am. On very few occasions I've talked at more length about whomever the hell I am and they got the idea. I still try to avoid the kids on my block, mainly to prevent their parents from having to deal with long explanations. But they all know "Mike" as the friendly old guy on the block. And the places where I volunteer know but prefer "Mike" does the volunteer ushering.

    I'm pretty comfortable in my skin these days and, while I'd really like to wear dresses all the time, I'm good with my "Mikki" time and it seems I expand it just a bit every year. I take whatever pronouns I get, but I'm seldom misgendered these days -- people are finally catching on. It's "so far, so good" and Mikki keeps on gaining ground.

  6. There is only one person in the world who has seen both sides of Lee, that would be my electrologist. Everyone else only know Lee or Bill... even my wife has never seen Lee, but she very non-approvingly knows of Lee. Since I freely go out as Lee locally there are a number of Bill's friends have seen Lee, they fortunately had no idea who they were looking at during our chance encounters. Probably a good thing.

    Lee has had a great deal of freedom to be Lee due to the fact my wife takes job assignments out of town for two or three months at a time an it is during that time when I pretty much live as Lee except when I have contact with Bill's friends. My wife has just left town on another assignment earlier this week, normally this would be a great time for Lee to make her appearance.... but...! On the way to taking her to the airport she asked, "promise me you are going out as someone you are not". After her last trip out of town when she returned home she found a number of receipts from Chico's not in our area and for things she had not ordered. So I got got caught with my hand in the cookie jar. Then was just not the time to tell her that she was being driven by someone that I am not. I swallowed hard and said I wouldn't. Really hated to do that since I am basically an honest person, that is a promise that is going to be hard to keep.

    I would welcome the opportunity to spend more time as Lee, I really think I would ultimately wind up as full time or at the very minimum almost full time, if I could keep the few friends in this area (who are extremely traditional)separated from Lee. If for some reason I could not keep them from knowing Lee, I would be OK with that too. Don't think I would go down the transition road, but then again 20 years ago I would have never thought of leaving the house as Lee!

    Those of you that have approving spouses or at least tolerant spouses have much to be thankful for, I only wish that would be my case.

  7. Sally StoneJanuary 09, 2020

    My part-time status complicates my social contacts, so like you Stana, I get the idea of needing a scorecard. Sometimes, I chuckle to think that I can be as social as I am, yet still so closeted at the same time. Despite the humor of it all, I realize that because I have no desire to transition, or go full-time, there isn't a real need for me to come out to everyone. That's my situation at the moment anyway, if things change, I might have to update my scorecard.



  8. Like Lee, my wife knows about my pass time but doesn't readily accept it and she prefers that I do it when she is not around. She has caught me a couple of times and has voiced her dislike. I wish I could change this. I would dearly love to come out more often and enjoy going out with her for coffee etc in anonymous areas. I rarely get opportunity to get dressed fully for more than a day or two but when I do, I really go all out and enjoy the moment.