Monday, February 29, 2016

Those Pesky Torpedoes

It is never too late to be what you might have been. ―George Eliot

I spent the weekend doing housework, grocery shopping, and income taxes, while thinking about what to do about the elephant in the room.

One minute, I just want to blurt out everything and the next minute, I didn't want to say a word and just go on being a frustrated woman. And then there were times I wondered if I really am a woman.

I am reading No! Maybe? Yes! Living My Truth by Grace Anne Stevens. I bought the book because Grace transitioned in her mid-60s and I thought that would give me some insight at my age (64, going on 65).

I’ve read a lot of trans biographies and although I always find some similarities between myself and those biographies, there was never a close match between them and I. Not so with Grace Anne Stevens. I won’t go into details, but I see a lot of myself in Ms. Stevens… almost a sisters separated-at-birth scenario.

That should have settled all the doubts in my mind about being a woman, but there are still doubts and there probably always will be. Do I use those doubts as an excuse not to move forward or do I just damn the torpedoes and do it! 

There is a big difference between Ms. Stevens and myself. She was divorced when she took damned the torpedoes, whereas I am happily married. Although I am happy with my marriage, I am not happy about being stuck between genders. If I was not married, I would be living as my true gender today.

And there’s the rub.

Wearing Nordstrom.

Bryan Boy
Bryan Boy wearing Oscar de la Renta.


  1. And the struggle goes on! Perhaps our generation will be the last to struggle so hard with this decision. In today's world the information is readily available, therapy is but a phone call away, and the support and services needed for a successful transition are easier to access. All of this won't help you decide what is right for you, but I know if I ever felt like taking the next step I would find the best, most qualified, and toughest therapist and sort it all out. The answer is within you, a therapist may just be able to help you find it. All of this coming from a person who knows she will live the rest of her life in the male body assigned to her at birth. Good luck as you continue to think this through.

  2. "Although I am happy with my marriage, I am not happy about being stuck between genders. If I was not married, I would be living as my true gender today."


  3. A marriage is very important, and if your is working then you need to certain before doing anything that may damage it. Your wife knows of your gender struggle but will actions on your part damage you marriage?

    My own situation was very different, our marriage was failing, and my cross dressing put it under more, insurmountable strain. Now we are seperated, and I am full time, our relationship is much better, but our marriage is over, and we will never be able to be fully "together" again.

    I sure you would be more content with yourself if you were to transition, however it is not just yourself who is worthy of consideration in this, but I suspect that I am preaching to the choir here.

    1. Yes, there is a small crowd to consider.

  4. "...For better or sickness or in health...till death..." These are not idle thoughts but serious vows. Decisions that you or I make will impact not only us but others that we love.
    Good luck in all regards.

  5. The scariest, hardest decisions we can make are the ones where we don't know what the consequences are but we do know we can't say "just kidding" and take it all back.

    Good luck whichever direction you take. And you know you have thousands of supporters here. And you also know those thousands aren't a substitute for shared love.

    1. Good advice, Meg. Thank-you.

  6. I think a larger percentage of womenfolk than we might suppose would be able to extend some sisterly compassion towards a man entertaining thoughts of joining the club..
    However, I'm pretty certain that much of that feminine compassion would evaporate in a heartbeat if it turned out that the problem was one that existed in their own marriage.
    If you value your marriage above all else in your life, then you know what the answer is..
    I had the mother of all purges and since then I've managed to go 8 years without dressing.. It doesn't get easier although I would say that if I had a stash of forbidden fruit somewhere, then I know that I wouldn't be able to resist dressing every now and again.
    Total abstinence is the only thing that works for me.
    Good luck!

    1. Thanks for the "good luck." No thanks to the total abstinence.

  7. I'm late in the game responding to this, but I really did try earlier...on my desktop, and I seem to have fallen into the "eliminate yahoo email" limbo. The only computer which will still post is this laptop...and that's probably because it hasn't been shut off - the old program that worked with Yahoo is still resident in memory.

    I certainly wish you all the best with your situation. I'm not sure how I'd handle it... Good luck, and please keep everyone advised. If I have trouble responding, know that I surely will be lurking...


  8. It's such an unfair struggle, feels like we have live torpedos in the water....aim for the marriage or aim for ourselves.

    P.S. Been an avid reader for years, enjoying all your wonderfully mature, relevant posts, and the "femulate" photos too!