Friday, June 4, 2021

Coming Out to a Male

Ready to meet my male friends for
the first time as a woman (May 2010)
Eleven years ago, I came out to a friend, who I had known for over 15 years and lived 2500 miles away. Except for one or two face-to-face encounters at ham radio conferences each year, all our communications were by e-mail. The next conference I attended would be en femme and I wanted to alert him beforehand.

In anticipation of coming out, I composed a 500-word letter of explanation. I copied the words into a blank e-mail, made a few changes, then I stared at the Send button for a few hours. I did not actually stare at the Send button all that time, but for over three hours, I did consider whether or not to send the e-mail.

It was a tough decision. In the past, I have come out to friends and acquaintances who have known me for a long or short time, but all of them were women. I found it very easy to come out to women. I guess because I am telling them that I am on their team.

Men were not so easy. Just encountering men when I was en femme gave me pause; coming out to a man was unthinkable. My friend would be the first male friend or acquaintance I would come out to.

I finally realized that I had to tell him, so I hit the Send button and girded myself for his reply. I was so worried about his response that I did not check my e-mails the rest of the afternoon. Finally, after dinner, I looked for his reply, found it and opened it.

He wrote, “Thank you for the e-mail. I am sure it was hard to send. But rest assured, you have my respect and support. I think it is best that a person be true to themselves, and you are doing just that. You go girl!”

He floored me with “You go girl!” Now, that’s a real friend!

By the way, in the ensuing 11 years, my coming outs have had such good outcomes that I now think nothing of coming out to males, as well as females from my past. Some people are surprised, some not so much, but either way, I have never had a negative reaction. On the contrary, most reactions are very positive just like my friend above.

Source: Veronica Beard
Wearing Veronica Beard

Victor McDoom
Victor McDoom


  1. It's always true, isn't it? The first time is the hardest.

  2. Agreed that it's much easier to come out to females. I've kept this secret from close personal friends all my life. Maybe someday. Kudos to for you for being so courageous.


  3. AnonymousJune 04, 2021

    I really appreciated this story. I agree coming out to women is likely easier as you say.....they are "on your team" so to speak. And I agree, I would have a really hard time coming out to a man. Your story is encouraging. I guess the hope is there is more tolerance out there these days. But I would still be worried.


  4. AnonymousJune 04, 2021

  5. Discretion is the better part of valor..
    Velma outs herself....

    Regular readers of Femulate may recall my contribution of March, 11, 2020--
    Somewhere in last years journey, I thought it would be good to disclose my secret as well as my medical problem to two friends, both friendships go back to 5th grade (56years!).
    As we all know each other, I sent a link to the above article and a brief explanation in a brief text message....


    I am not completely sure if the friendships were damaged by my disclosure as the effects of the pandemic and quarantine have kept us apart up until now. The occasional texts about some of our common interests have become sporadic.

    I suspect the most probable reason for the silence is that men simply dont talk (or even listen for that matter) on that level. Period.
    Even in our T-G support group, the words of real communication are hard to come by for some of our compatriots.

    I had the minimally invasive, 'robotic surgery' on my prostate on May, 08, 2020. The surgery took place in an outpatient surgery center, NOT the local COVID filled hospital.
    I drove myself home, (42 miles, with a catheter bag hanging off my inside door panel) 25 hours after the surgery. The entire process was virtually painless, as I had only one Tylenol in the hospital after the surgery.
    One year later, the PSA (prostate specific antigen) blood test still reads '00.00', which is good, as that means the surgeon 'got it all'.
    Later, Velma

  6. As ever, a pertinent post! Might I say that you have something of a way with words that, I don't doubt, is reflected in how you talk to people and interact with them. That is to say, you are just a good person. I find it no surprise that you have had naught but positive reactions to your comings out! (that's meant entirely as a compliment, by the way!)

    Apart from online, with people I have never met face-to-face, I have only ever accidentally come out to one person, a female, who was sorta kinda positive but I don't really know - it's all very easy in the abstract. Mainly because I didn't even know myself how deep the rabbit hole went.

    I mean, my second relationship knew and the little bit I did say in my third (and final) relationship was part of a broad swathe of things that ended it. Did I 'come out' here? Probably. These females were *not* impressed.

    My point? I suspect that who you are, regardless of gender, plays a huge role in how people respond. Be great at communicating and people will see, rightly, who you are beyond gender. Be me? Hmm.

    As ever, thank you for the opportunity to roll this one around a bit.