Tuesday, November 3, 2015

I'm Down

On Saturday, I had an appointment with my hairdresser and since it was Halloween, the holiday came up in conversation while she was doing my hair.

One thing led to another and she asked if my workplace did anything for Halloween. I said a few people showed up in costume.

Then she asked me if I was a good sport and wore a costume. I pulled out my iPhone and showed her a photo of how good a sport I was.

She was flabbergasted and took my iPhone to show her mother who is the receptionist at the salon. Her mother was also flabbergasted.

I said I should have visited the salon on my way home from work on Friday so they could have seen my "costume" in person. Wait 'til next year, my hairdresser said.

On Monday, no one at work mentioned that I went to work as a woman on my Friday, Halloween Eve.

I did mention it to a co-worker who was absent on Friday and who knows I'm trans. I showed him my photo and he showed me a photo of his Halloween costume (an edgy wizard).

Anyway, I am kind of down today. That's not true. I am very down today.

I loved going to work as a woman on Friday. I loved going out during my lunch hour and after work as a woman. I loved being myself on Friday.

Once a year is not enough. Dressing in boy mode for work is the real drag.

Source: Bluefly
Wearing LM by Mignon.

Alec Mapa
Actor Alec Mapa on the red carpet at the taping of RuPaul's Drag Race, May 2013.


  1. I feel for you not being able to be true to yourself all the time. Can’t compare to you, but I had a very very rare ‘high’ yesterday. I had 3 hours to myself and could wear a dress, my Jobst anthracite ultra sheer compression stockings (one has to adapt up a certain age) and my 4 inch Mary Janes (like yours but in brown).
    I was so content I almost forgot the time and had to hastily ‘climb down’ from my heels and face reality again.
    A shame but there it is.

  2. Being stuck at the cross-roads is very uncomfortable. You've stated very clearly what you want. Again and again.

    So don't waste another year. Enough of the dreaming - make a plan, project the costs and benefits, devise your contingencies.

    And in your particular case, Stana, it seems you are so far out of the closet at home, work, and in the public domain (1M+ hits), that you now have far more fans than detractors. And all of us want you to succeed.

    Go girl !

    (For anyone uncertain of what lies ahead, it's laughter and tears. For confirmation, read a 'real - world' autobiography, such as "She's not there" by Jenny Boylan (ISBN 978-0-385-34697-9 ).


  3. Dear Stana,

    I'm sorry you're feeling down. I understand the letdown you are feeling after fabulous Friday last week.

    On the bright side, you got to use the word "flabbergasted" twice in your post. If it helps put a little smile on your face, I just want to say your lovely "en femme" photos always flabber my gaskets.



  4. I am not sure how many more years I will spend as a gainfully employed member of the work force but I do have visions of spending much more of my time en femme after I retire. I believe I am one year younger than you so I suspect that you may be looking at the short end of your working career. At some point you will decide when your last day of work will be. If you project it out 6-12 months you may be able to dress to your mood during this late in life career time.
    Just a thought.

  5. Dear Stana,
    Your dress, including wig and heels was terrific, gorgeous, fantastic, lovely, ... to kill for!
    (like seen on many pictures before, too). I do understand, that you are feeling lost, lonely, depressed - after such an exciting day,
    Because you havn´t done this the first time, I think even the most simple-minded guy of the universe (or in your company) should know, that you are not trying to disguise as a woman; that you are showing you inner part, your female personality.
    If everyone is fine with your professional skills and accepts the person behind clerk no. #78 - why do you hesitate to enter the office more often as Stana?
    Maybe use the opportunity to dress as casual as possible on a casual Friday - if chinos and sneakers are aloud, why not wearing a dress and heels?
    My best wishes to you, to find your way!


  6. This is Julie M Shaw - Google won't let me sign in! The inevitable let down after a wonderful time. We had our Halloween party Sunday night due to work schedules, and I spent most of Monday in a near depression. I attended the party en femme - no one there had ever seen Julie before so the comments and compliments flew! I'm better today but yesterday was HARD. I long for the day . . .

  7. Biggest challenge for me was the "Self acceptance" of just who I really am. The truth was out and life was better. The other amazing thing was HRT. A week into the program all but eliminated the angst we all know so so well in our yearning to be "Me". I admit that it kind of made me realize that clothes do not make the lady and I have become a bit more casual in my dress. I still love to dress to the nines, but am so much more comfortable in my skin that I can go casual much more than ever these days.