Monday, February 20, 2012

The Opposite Sex

i-love-tall-gals When I do outreach, one question that often comes up is which sex is attractive to me.

Since I look, walk, talk, and behave exactly like a woman, the expected answer is "men," so when I say I prefer women, the audience is thrown for a loop .

Your mileage may vary, but most of the transfolks I do outreach with are attracted to their same gender, that is, the male-to-female transfolks prefer women and the female-to-male transfolks prefer men. When they changed genders, their sexuality did not change; they were still attracted to the sex they preferred before transition (which affirms the proposition that sex and gender are separate issues).

On the other hand, I know transfolks who not only change genders, but also change teams after they transition, that is, transwomen who preferred men and transmen who preferred women.

But most of the transfolks I know personally do not change teams (again, your mileage may vary). I admit that I know more crossdressers than transsexuals, still, most of the transsexuals I know personally did not change teams either.

Getting back to me (isn't it always about "me"): I prefer women... always did. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but sex with a man never interested me.

However, I have never had sex when en femme. My spouse will have nothing to do with me when I am en femme and since I am committed to my marriage, I have never sought sex outside of it.

But don't think it has not crossed my mind.

Sex en femme with a woman is very attractive, but that is a moot point because I have never encountered a woman who seemed "that" interested in my femulated self.

On the other hand, sex en femme with a man would be a piece of cake. I have encountered numerous men interested in my femulated self. Some were "tran admirers," some were not. In either case, I rejected their advances because I was a good girl, faithful to my spouse to the end.

But since my spouse will have nothing to do with my femulated self, does that give me license to seek sex outside the marriage when I am en femme? Should I give into the advances of those guys who desire me? And if I did give in, should I have sex like other woman (if you know what I mean)?


  1. Interesting issues with good questions.

    I have never given consideration to stepping out on my wife. Among the major blessings that have made my life wonderful has been the love of a wonderful woman.

    At the same time I do not think that I have ever even felt a desire to be with a man while I was en femme so I guess that makes my response easy.

    I think that the issues of gender and sexuality of very unique and specific to the individual person and that there is always a risk of falling into the fallacy that 'one size fits all'. We know that it is not true for pantyhose. Likewise I just do not think that we can look at people as anything other than the wonderully unique individuals that we are.


  2. Being true to ones partner is essential however you present. I would love to have a man as a lover, but that would be cheating just as much as going with another woman. I am a MtoF transexual who has to live as as a man full time. To do otherwise would be too cruel for my wife who I love dearly.

  3. I find this post interesting because I too am a cross-dresser whose sexuality remains unchanged by outward appearances. I too have never met a woman all that interested in sex with a femulated man apart from someone who I shall term as my 'mad ex'. Not to be insulting, she just was. She's happily married now, I hasten to add, as am I.

    My thoughts would be that infidelity is infidelity, regardless of how you are dressed or what persona you don at any given time. On that regard, only you can decide if you're happy to 'give in' to advances and, of course, I'm a random person on the internet whose opinion holds only as much weight as you want it to hold.

    Thank you for posting and I hope you don't mind my musing on your topic.

  4. Stana

    I like this post alot because I have almost the exact same feelings as you do. I do not dress too often like you do, but my wife just does not like me to be in dress up and I have only been with others dressed up a few times. But I would like women and my wife to understand appreciate my feminine side and I just never can understand why I can't look luscious and colorful and be in women's clothes for them. Really the reaction to men in women's clothes reveals women to too stuck in gender roles.

  5. The spousal reactions really struck a nerve. My crossdressing takes the form of crossplay. I generally cosplay female characters from anime, manga, and sci-fi. The first time I did it at a convention my wife totally freaked and didn't want to even be seen with me. Needless to say, I was not happy, but years and many costumes later, things are better.

    As for cheating, naaah. I have no desire to lose my wonderful wife. <3 And while I've been hit on by men plenty in costume, I always quietly decline.

  6. I asked this question in a series of polls a few months ago. The results were all over the map.

    I'd like to go on a "date," just to have that female experience but it's just too dangerous ~ a t-girl is even more vulnerable than a g-girl and has little recourse if things, let's say, get out of hand.

    But I have zero interest in guys, no matter how I'm dressed.

  7. The thing that interests me, as the more freedom I allow myself, the more I'm attracted to men. And, I've found that the genetic women who've somewhat admitted me to "the club" have encouraged this in helping me present myself and with fashion.

    I never thought in a million years this would happen or that I would be happy if it did, but I've also never understood the old bromide that sex and gender are different. It's certainly not the case for me. And with all the intramural sex I've seen happen within the transgender community, one wonders how true it is.

  8. I think it is important to look at the motivations behind considering the possibility of having sex with a man while en femme, *especially* if one is already married.

    Often, I think the real motivator is the sense of validation that comes with being seen or accepted as a woman, and the ultimate validation of that sort is to make love as one. The double-edged sword in all this is that unless one is post-op, a certain amount of denial (or acceptance "in spite of") of one's present anatomy must take place on the part of both parties...or else it is that one has sex as a femulating man and both parties are alright with that. The permutations of what it is to make love with a cross-gender identity and presentation are as varied as the scale of what comprises "transgendered" in all its forms.

    Still, regardless of how one views oneself at the time, it is still cheating if one is bonded/promised/married to another. Cheating is cheating, no matter how one presents. Far better to divorce, then experiment or express oneself as oneself, wherever that may fall on the gender spectrum.

    I also think we (collectively) may fail to see the situation from our spouse's perspective. Imagine if your wife cut her hair, bound her breasts, donned waist padding and wore false facial hair. This is more closely akin to our femulations, with bra and padding to emulate the female form. Most femulating husbands would be less-than-attracted to make love to our wives if they presented like that, _especially_ given our love for and emulation of the female form. Reverse the situation, and it is easy to see why we might not appeal to them while lovemaking. It is so easy to make this "all about us", when in any bonded partnership, it should be "about all of us".

    -- Jane.

  9. Don't give in. If you are lucky enough to have a loving, trusting partner, do not betray them.

    That said, if the relationship ends or opens, if you want to sleep with someone, who and how are all up to you. Male, female, top, bottom... whatever two (or more) consenting adults want.

  10. I'm gay and I CD for men. I go thru all the trouble and expense with the make up, then dress, just to have sex with men. I'm told I'm a bit of a "ho" for doing that by others and I have little doubt I'm seen as a homo-tramp by society. I usually do this behind closed doors only. Oddly enough, society don't want me CDing in public anyway, lmao!

  11. "Person who tries to sit on 2 barstools usually falls to floor sitting not on either" The fantasy is ALWAYS better than the reality of cheating on your loved one. You will damage your self esteem beyond words if its just a whim and you have a solid relationship otherwise. I have never had a urge for a man even though I have cd' for most of my life. So unless she is looking as well and you both are done with each other, d,o,n,t,d,o,i,t!

  12. I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years now. she has been very accepting of my femulating and i love her for it! she says she isnt attracted to women but is attracted to me while i am dressed. Its the naughtiness of it that she likes. she is the one who helps me get ready when i dress and we have "spa day" every so often and get pretty all day. the only thing is she doesn't like is to go out in public while im dressed and she has only done it once.

    I am attracted to both men and women. she has also been very accepting with that. we talk very openly about everything and keep everything 100% honest. she is ok with me giving in to mens advances because she knows that i am A. honest about it and talk before hand about it B. careful and 100% safe about it and C. she is the only women in my life and would never leave her because we are not only lovers but best friends. its all about acceptance love and honesty.


  13. Yupers! You are 100% correct! and i'm sure that's why there were 28 flavors at Howard Johnson's.

    I've seen the world from both sides now, but still some how I really don't know love at all.

    My tick is to be with women, I just am not attracted to men. Oh, perhaps the attention it would garner on one of their arms, and having the bill paid for a lovely and romantic evening. Heck I'd even go so far as to say that I would go so far. But I have to come back to saying the person that I am for no other reason than I do, love the woman that I have in my life right now and forever.
    We've been fortunate enough to have been together at least as close as we can be together as women, and it was wonderful. But alas, we are both post menopause, well she is. And I am low T so that's an awesome place to be as the girls we are. So our basic intimacies are more over what seasoning goes best with what meat then it is about the real beef in our love making.

  14. AnonymousMay 31, 2012

    As a man, I have absolutely no sexual desire for men. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being gay. I’m just not interested. But as soon as I am en femme, I have the strongest urge to be kissed by, to be held by and to love a man. I have become a woman and what could be more natural than being with a man. How can you truly experience what it is like to be a woman without being attracted to men? Isn’t part of the female experience loving and being loved by men? If you haven’t had sex with a man, aren’t you just playing half the role? Whenever I am en femme I have urgent, exciting, explicit and absolutely wonderful daydreams of what it would be like to have sex with a man. So far I have not given in only because there hasn’t been the opportunity. But if the opportunity presented itself, I would be powerless to resist.