A Softer Kind of Strength

For generations, boys have been handed a very short list of acceptable ways to be male. Be tough. Be competitive. Hide your feelings. Never appear weak and above all, never do anything that might be considered feminine.

Those rules are beginning to lose their grip, and that is good news for men as well as women.

The phrase “toxic masculinity” is sometimes misunderstood as an accusation that masculinity itself is toxic. It is not. Courage, independence, physical strength and a willingness to protect others can all be admirable qualities. Masculinity becomes toxic when men are told that toughness is the only quality they may possess, that aggression is the only acceptable response to conflict and that tenderness, vulnerability and femininity must be suppressed at any cost.

Living under those restrictions can be exhausting. A man may learn to swallow sadness rather than ask for comfort. He may avoid affectionate friendships because he fears appearing weak. He may ridicule anything feminine, not because he truly dislikes it, but because he is terrified that someone might see a trace of it in him.

That is not strength. It is fear wearing a masculine disguise.

Male femininity offers another possibility. It gives men permission to be gentle, expressive, nurturing, graceful and emotionally honest. It permits them to enjoy beauty, fashion, color, fragrance and adornment. For some men, it may mean nothing more visible than speaking kindly, listening carefully and no longer being embarrassed by tenderness. For others, it may include jewelry, makeup, painted nails, skirts, dresses or a complete feminine presentation.

There is no single correct way to embrace it.

A man does not surrender his masculinity when he explores femininity. He simply stops treating masculinity and femininity as mutually exclusive territories patrolled by the gender police. A person can be decisive and compassionate, strong and graceful, protective and nurturing. Human beings have always contained mixtures of traits that society insists on sorting into two separate boxes.

Crossdressers understand this especially well. Putting on a dress does not magically erase the person who wore trousers an hour earlier. Instead, feminine clothing can reveal qualities that were present all along but were denied room to breathe. The reflection in the mirror may look different, yet it can feel surprisingly honest.

That honesty is one reason feminine presentation can be so joyful. Makeup, a flattering dress and a pair of heels are not necessarily attempts to escape manhood. They may be ways of expanding it. A man who can appreciate his feminine appearance without shame has rejected one of toxic masculinity’s oldest commandments: never resemble a woman, because femininity is supposedly inferior.

Once that commandment is discarded, the insult “You look like a woman” loses its power. Looking feminine can become a pleasure rather than a humiliation. Being soft is no longer the same as being weak. Accepting help does not diminish independence. Crying does not cancel courage. Admiring a beautiful outfit does not threaten anyone’s identity.

This change can also improve relationships. Men who are comfortable with their own femininity have less reason to belittle it in women or police it in other men. They can relate to wives, partners, daughters, sisters and friends without constantly defending a narrow version of manhood. They may become better listeners because they no longer regard empathy as beneath them. They may become more secure because they no longer need everyone else to confirm that they are masculine enough.

Of course, abandoning toxic masculinity does not require every man to wear a dress. Most will not want to, and that is perfectly fine. The goal is not to replace one compulsory uniform with another. It is to remove the fear and shame that prevent men from choosing freely.

Some men will remain conventionally masculine. Some will blend masculine and feminine qualities. Some will occasionally crossdress, while others will make femininity a visible part of everyday life. What matters is that each man has the freedom to discover what feels authentic without ridicule, coercion or apology.

Perhaps the healthiest future is one in which a boy is not taught to amputate half his emotional life to prove that he is male. He can grow into a man who is brave enough to be tender, confident enough to be vulnerable and secure enough to appreciate femininity—whether he admires it in someone else or recognizes it in himself.

There is strength in masculinity. There is strength in femininity, too. The strongest men may be those who are no longer afraid of either one.

Wearing Boston Proper

Bert Wheeler femulating in the 1931 film Peach O'Reno.

Redressing

Crossdressers vs. POTUS

I usually avoid politics here. Femulate is supposed to be a pleasant escape from the daily shouting match and not another place where Democrats and Republicans hit each other with their purses.

But sometimes politics comes looking for us.

The current administration has made opposition to what it calls “gender ideology” an official government priority. On his first day back in office, the president signed an executive order declaring that the federal government recognizes only two sexes and directing federal agencies to change their policies accordingly. His administration also rescinded earlier orders intended to combat discrimination based on gender identity.

Most of these actions have been presented as measures concerning transgender people and not crossdressers. There is a difference. Some crossdressers identify as men and have no desire to transition. Others eventually discover that “crossdresser” was only one stop on a longer journey. Our community has never fit neatly into one box.

The people promoting these policies seldom seem interested in such distinctions.

To them, a person assigned male at birth who wears a dress, uses a feminine name or enters the ladies’ room may simply be another man who is somewhere he supposedly does not belong. They will not pause to ask whether that person is transgender, gender-fluid or a card-carrying member of the Crossdressers of America.

The hostility spills over.

When politicians repeatedly describe gender-nonconforming people as dangerous, dishonest or mentally disturbed, some members of the public take the message personally. They feel that they have been given permission to stare, confront, ridicule and occasionally threaten anyone who fails their instant inspection.

That includes us.

POTUS probably is not losing sleep over a retiree wearing a wrap dress and heels while shopping at the mall. Yet the atmosphere his rhetoric helps create can make that simple outing more uncomfortable and possibly more dangerous.

For decades, I have encouraged crossdressers to leave the closet and enjoy the world. My message has always been that most of our fears are worse than the reality. In my experience, the great majority of civilians are polite, accepting or too busy with their own lives to care what I am wearing.

I still believe that.

I refuse to surrender the freedom I found after wasting too many years hiding it. I will not allow a president, a television pundit or an anonymous Internet warrior to chase me back into the closet.

But courage should not require blindness. We must be aware of our surroundings, understand the laws where we live and recognize that the political climate has changed. We should also support every person whose freedom of gender expression is threatened, even if that person uses a different label than we do.

Some crossdressers may support the president. People do not vote according to a single issue, and I am not going to inspect anyone’s voter-registration card before complimenting her dress. Nevertheless, crossdressers should recognize an uncomfortable truth: a movement that rigidly polices the boundary between male and female is unlikely to make a special exception for us because we only dress on weekends.

If transgender people lose their rights and public acceptance, crossdressers will not escape untouched. Our closets share a wall.

So what does “Crossdressers vs. POTUS” mean?

It does not mean shouting at neighbors, insulting relatives or turning Femulate into a daily political battlefield. It means refusing to be erased. It means voting, contacting elected officials and supporting organizations that defend personal liberty. It means standing beside transgender people instead of stepping away from them in the hope that the authorities will leave us alone.

Most of all, it means continuing to go out.

Every time a crossdresser shops, dines, travels or simply walks down the street with confidence and courtesy, she demonstrates that the frightening caricature bears no resemblance to the real person. Visibility is not merely political protest. It is how strangers become neighbors and unfamiliarity becomes acceptance.

POTUS may have the presidential podium, but we have something powerful, too: our lives, our stories and the courage to be seen.

I spent too many years in the closet because I was afraid of what might happen if I stepped outside. I will not return there because a politician thinks the world would be tidier without people like us.

Never should never be an option.

Wearing Shein

Tim Curry, 1946-2026

Where Men Become Women

Once upon a time, a man who wanted a professional feminine makeover had very few places to turn. He might find a sympathetic makeup artist through word of mouth, answer a discreet advertisement in the back of a magazine or try to explain himself to a puzzled beautician at a neighborhood salon.

Today, transformation salons are becoming much easier to find. A search of the Internet reveals studios in cities across the United States, the United Kingdom and elsewhere. Some call themselves makeover studios, dressing services or gender-expression salons, but their purpose is much the same: they help male clients discover how convincingly and beautifully they can present as women.

These are not ordinary beauty salons with a spare dress hanging in the back room. The people who operate the better transformation salons understand the special challenges of working with a male face and figure. They know how to conceal beard shadow, reshape eyebrows, soften a jawline, select a flattering wig and use padding and shapewear to create feminine proportions. Many also maintain wardrobes containing dresses, skirts, lingerie, jewelry, handbags and, most important of all, women’s shoes in sizes seldom found in the average department store.

In other words, they have everything a growing girl needs.

A typical appointment begins with a private conversation about the client’s wishes. Is she hoping to look like an everyday woman going shopping, a polished professional headed for the office or a glamorous lady ready for a night on the town? Then come makeup, hair, clothing and accessories. Many salons include a photography session, while some offer makeup lessons, wardrobe advice, escorted shopping trips or even an evening out.

The clientele is just as varied as the services. There are nervous first-timers who have never worn anything more feminine than a borrowed pair of panties. There are experienced crossdressers who want to improve their presentation. There are men celebrating birthdays, retirees finally acting on a lifelong dream and people trying to decide what their feminine feelings mean. A good salon does not insist on a label. It simply opens the door and says, “Let’s see what is possible.”

Why are more of these salons appearing or at least becoming more visible?

The Internet deserves much of the credit. A specialized business that once depended on a tiny local clientele can now be discovered by customers willing to travel hundreds of miles. Before-and-after photographs demonstrate what the artist can accomplish, while online reviews help a nervous newcomer decide whether a studio is trustworthy. Greater public acceptance of gender expression has also made it easier for makeup artists and stylists to advertise these services openly rather than operate almost underground.

There is also a demand that conventional beauty salons do not always meet. A crossdresser may be perfectly welcome at the makeup counter in a department store, but welcome is not the same as expertise. Applying makeup to a face with heavy beard shadow is different from applying it to a face that has never needed a razor. Selecting a wig for a larger head, a dress for broader shoulders or heels for size-12 feet requires knowledge and a properly stocked closet.

Perhaps the greatest service these salons provide is not cosmetic at all. It is confidence.

Many clients arrive frightened, embarrassed and unsure of what to expect. A few hours later, they see a woman looking back from the mirror—sometimes a surprisingly attractive one. For someone who has spent years believing that such a transformation was impossible, that first look can be powerful. The makeup eventually comes off, but the knowledge does not. She now knows the woman in her imagination can exist in the real world.

Of course, a salon visit is not a substitute for practice. A professional artist can create the look, but the client still has to learn how to reproduce it. She must discover which clothes flatter her, how to walk comfortably in heels, how to move naturally and how to face the public without looking as though she expects to be arrested. As I have written many times, successful femulation requires practice, practice, practice.

Anyone considering a transformation salon should do some homework. Ask whether appointments are private, whether photographs remain confidential and exactly what the quoted price includes. Look for an artist whose gallery shows believable women rather than exaggerated costumes unless exaggerated is what you want. Most important, speak with the proprietor beforehand. A good transformation begins with feeling safe, respected and understood.

Not every customer will leave the salon and head directly to the mall. Some will remove the makeup, change back into male clothing and carry their photographs home as a treasured secret. That is their choice. But others will look in the mirror, pick up their handbag and wonder why they should waste such a lovely makeover by staying indoors.

For them, the transformation salon may be more than a beauty business. It may be the bridge between the closet and the civilian world.

And once that bridge has been crossed, there may be no turning back except, perhaps, for another appointment.

Wearing Leau

Lee Pace femulating in the 2003 film Soldier's Girl.
Click here to view this film on YouTube.

You Should Have Been a Girl

When I was young, I occasionally heard words that were probably intended as teasing, but sounded more like encouragement to me:

“You should have been a girl.”

Perhaps an aunt thought I was too pretty for a boy. Maybe someone admired my long eyelashes or commented that my legs were better shaped than most girls’ legs. At other times, it may have been my quiet voice, gentle disposition or mannerisms that were considered insufficiently masculine.

Whatever prompted the remark, it always caught my attention.

I suspect that many boys who grew up to become crossdressers heard something similar. In those days, children were expected to fit into clearly defined gender roles. Boys were supposed to be rough, loud and interested in sports. Girls were supposed to be pretty, graceful and well-mannered. Any boy who wandered a little too far into the feminine column risked being told that he should have been a girl.

Most boys probably regarded the comment as an insult. Some tried to prove it wrong by becoming more masculine. But for a budding femulator, the words could have a very different effect.

They might feel like a compliment.

A boy already fascinated by dresses, high heels, makeup or the women in his life might quietly wonder whether the adults had noticed something. Did they see the girl he sometimes imagined becoming? Was his femininity showing even when he was dressed as a boy?

Being told that you had pretty eyes or shapely legs could also provide a little hope. Perhaps femininity was not completely beyond your reach. If your face was pretty enough or your legs were good enough, maybe someday you really could look like a girl.

Of course, hearing those words did not make anyone a crossdresser. Plenty of pretty boys with shapely legs and gentle mannerisms grew up with no desire to wear women’s clothing. The remark merely had special meaning for those of us whose feminine interests were already waiting below the surface.

Years later, after we finally slipped into a dress, pulled hosiery over those supposedly shapely legs and applied lipstick to that supposedly pretty face, we may have remembered the old prediction.

“You should have been a girl.”

Perhaps they were not entirely correct. I did not necessarily want to stop being a boy forever. But I certainly wanted the opportunity to find out how convincingly—and how happily—I could become a girl for a while.

Looking back, I sometimes wonder whether the people who said it realized how closely I was listening. What they considered an offhand observation became something I stored away and treasured. During the years when I doubted my ability to look feminine, I could recall that someone once saw femininity in me without my wearing a dress, wig or makeup.

That was encouraging evidence.

And when I finally saw my feminine reflection looking back from the mirror, it seemed that the people who had teased me years earlier had been onto something.

Maybe I should have been a girl.

Or perhaps I was simply fortunate enough to discover that I could enjoy being both.

Wearing Walter Baker

Guymon (Oklahoma) High School womanless beauty pageant contestant (1966)

A Generation Apart

Crossdressers of my generation often have a very different relationship with dressing than millennials and the generations that followed us.

Baby boomers and those who came before us, grew up when the rules were unmistakable. Boys wore boys’ clothes, girls wore girls’ clothes, and anyone who crossed that line risked ridicule, punishment or worse. A boy interested in dresses, makeup or high heels quickly learned that such interests had to be hidden.

So we hid.

Many of us accumulated secret wardrobes, dressed only when nobody was home and became experts at covering our tracks. We invented excuses for buying women’s clothing and worried constantly about being discovered. Even when dressing brought us enormous happiness, it was often accompanied by guilt, fear and the nagging question, “What is wrong with me?”

Eventually, the word “crossdresser” gave many of us a useful identity. It told us that we were not alone and helped distinguish what we did from our sexual orientation or a desire to transition. Support groups, newsletters, conventions and later, the Internet allowed us to meet others like ourselves.

For many older crossdressers, presenting convincingly as a woman became the goal. We practiced walking, talking, applying makeup and coordinating outfits. Passing was not merely an accomplishment; it could also be protection. If the civilians saw us as women, we could go about our business without unwanted attention.

That background may also explain why many boomer crossdressers favor a very traditional presentation. Dresses, skirts, hosiery, heels, jewelry and carefully applied makeup represent the femininity we admired while growing up and were forbidden to experience.

Millennials entered a different world.

They grew up with looser dress codes, greater LGBTQ+ visibility and a much broader understanding of gender. Many younger people do not believe that clothing should be divided strictly between male and female. A young man might wear a skirt, makeup or nail polish without considering himself a crossdresser at all.

Instead, younger people may identify as genderfluid, gender-nonconforming, nonbinary or queer. Some do not bother with a label. They simply wear what they like.

This can create an interesting generational divide.

An older crossdresser may spend hours trying to pass as a woman, while a younger person may wonder why passing is necessary. The older person may enjoy a complete transformation from male mode to female mode. The younger person may combine masculine and feminine elements in the same outfit without feeling any need to become one or the other.

Neither approach is wrong. They simply reflect different experiences.

We boomers learned that crossing the gender line was dangerous, so we tried to cross it as carefully and convincingly as possible. Younger generations are more likely to question why that line exists in the first place.

Of course, these are broad generalizations. Some boomers have enthusiastically embraced newer ideas about gender, while some millennials love nothing more than getting completely dolled up in a dress and heels. Younger people also continue to face rejection, discrimination and genuine concerns about personal safety.

Still, the central difference may be the question each generation learned to ask.

Older generations often asked, “What is wrong with me?”

Later generations are more likely to ask, “What feels right for me?”

That change did not happen by accident. Earlier crossdressers ventured out, organized support groups, shared their stories and gradually became visible. By leaving our closets, we helped make the world a little safer for those who followed.

Now younger generations are taking the next step. They are questioning whether clothing needs a gender and whether anyone should have to enter a closet in the first place.

Wearing Frame

Womanless beauty pageant contestant at Glen Oaks High School, Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Womanly Yours

A Full-Time Job

One of the attractions of crossdressing is the transformation. With the right clothes, makeup, wig and accessories, the fellow in the mirror disappears and a woman takes his place.

It is magical—but magic requires maintenance.

A civilian woman may put on lipstick without giving it a second thought. A crossdresser applies lipstick, checks the corners, blots it, checks her teeth, checks the mirror again and then wonders whether the shade looks different under fluorescent lighting.

Before leaving home, I conduct an inspection that would impress the Federal Aviation Administration:

• Wig secure?

• Earrings attached?

• Lipstick even?

• Stocking seams straight?

• Skirt behaving itself?

• Handbag packed?

• Male wallet removed from back pocket?

• Price tag removed from new dress?

That last item is especially important. Nothing spoils a sophisticated entrance like trailing a tag that reads “CLEARANCE—70% OFF.”

Once out in the civilian world, the maintenance continues. Lipstick disappears during lunch. Hosiery develops a run for no apparent reason. Earrings loosen. False eyelashes threaten to abandon ship. A wig that looked perfect at home suddenly seems crooked in every restroom mirror.

And then there is the beard.

You can shave close enough in the morning to remove the top layer of skin, apply enough foundation to resurface a driveway and still discover a hint of whiskers by midafternoon. At approximately 3:30, the face begins announcing, “He’s back!”

In a future when feminized men fill the offices, the men’s room may become a very busy place late in the afternoon. Instead of discussing baseball while standing at the urinals, the fellows will line up at the mirrors with electric razors, powder compacts and lipstick.

“May I borrow your concealer, Bob?”

“Certainly, Jim. And your skirt is caught in your pantyhose.”

“Thanks. I hate when that happens.”

Of course, handbags present their own problems. Men often joke that women carry everything in their purses. Crossdressers know why. We need lipstick, powder, a comb, tissues, spare hosiery, nail glue, breath mints, an emergency sewing kit and enough cosmetics to repair the transformation following a minor natural disaster.

The handbag grows heavier as the day progresses, although nothing is ever added to it. I suspect handbags manufacture additional contents when no one is looking.

High heels require maintenance, too—not mechanical maintenance, but personal maintenance. After several hours in four-inch pumps, my feet begin sending strongly worded complaints to management. Nevertheless, I keep smiling because beauty is pain and because the comfortable shoes are in the car, three blocks away.

Despite all the inspections, adjustments and emergency repairs, I would not trade the experience. The effort is part of the fun. Every successful outing feels like opening night, with yours truly serving as star, director, costume designer, makeup artist and stage crew.

Crossdressing is hard work, but I love my job.

Wearing Shein

Alan Hale (center) and other gents femulating in the 1943 film This Is The Army.
Click here to view this film on YouTube.

A Time and Place

I encourage crossdressers to leave the closet and experience the world as women. After spending too many years hiding, I learned that most of my fears about going out were far worse than anything I actually encountered.

Nevertheless, there is a time and a place for everything, even femulating.

The mere presence of a crossdresser does not make a place or event inappropriate. If you regularly live as a woman, you should be able to attend most places and events as yourself. The important questions are whether your clothing suits the occasion and whether your appearance will unintentionally make someone else’s moment all about you.

For example, a wedding is not the ideal occasion for your public debut unless the couple knows and approves. A wedding belongs to the bride and groom. Showing up en femme for the first time might attract attention that should be directed toward them.

The same consideration applies to funerals and memorial services. These occasions call for quiet respect, conservative clothing and as little distraction as possible. If the deceased’s family knows you as a woman, attending en femme may be perfectly appropriate. If they do not, that may not be the best time to introduce them to your feminine side. However, if you knew only the deceased and are unacquainted with the family and other mourners, attending as a conservatively dressed woman may be acceptable because no one would know you otherwise.

Religious ceremonies, graduations, award presentations and important family celebrations also require good judgment. Again, crossdressing is not inherently disrespectful. Turning someone else’s meaningful occasion into your personal coming-out party may be.

Court appearances, official government business and situations involving identification or security can require additional thought. Your appearance should reasonably resemble the photograph on your identification, and you should be prepared to respond calmly if questions arise. Confidence is helpful; confrontation is not.

Some places may be physically unsuitable rather than socially inappropriate. A construction site, hiking trail or muddy outdoor festival probably calls for practical footwear and clothing. Four-inch pumps may look wonderful at the mall, but they are not safety equipment.

There are also events where crossdressing is encouraged, but presenting as an ordinary woman might still be misunderstood. At a costume party, for example, people may assume that your carefully coordinated outfit is merely a joke. That never stopped me on Halloween, but it is something to anticipate.

The simplest rule is the same one most women follow: dress appropriately for the place, the weather and the occasion. Do not wear a cocktail dress to a picnic, a miniskirt to a funeral or stilettos to tour a factory.

And do not use someone else’s special day to test your passing meter.

Going out en femme should be enjoyable, natural and respectful. If your presence will not endanger anyone, violate a legitimate rule or steal attention from the person being honored, there are very few places where it is truly inappropriate.

Usually, it is not crossdressing that is inappropriate.

It is simply wearing the wrong thing at the wrong time—and women have been dealing with that question forever.

Wearing Boston Proper

Alan Hale, Jr., Jim Backus and Russell-Johnson femulating on television’s Gilligan's Island (1967).
Click here to view this femulation on YouTube.