Tuesday, August 25, 2020


I received the following e-mail recently.
I am a life-long TV, so I feel able to comment.
My advice to nearly all those who contribute to your blog is simple:
Throw away the cameras and look long and hard in the mirror. Look at the women around you; you should blush with embarrassment. Cover your shoulders and knees and get rid of those “long luscious locks.” Very few women over 40 look good with long hair. None of you (and me) really look anything like women and that is a tragedy.
By the way, I have no photos of me. The last that were taken were 30 years ago for an article in The Times. No! It was 40 years ago – time flies.
Stop being delusional. A mirror does not lie except at a fairground.
Look at the professional femulators and actors. Even they with all the advantages – professional makeup, expensive wigs, etc., are rarely convincing and face the reality of a cruel life.
We’ve all been dealt a lousy hand!
My response: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. That is especially true if you are a male-to-female transperson.

We have a lot going against us. Compared to the quintessential woman, we do not compare favorably. We are too tall, too heavy, too wide, too hairy. Our voices are too deep, our faces too masculine, and our bodies too unshapely. We are just too too.

So should we all hide in the closet because we don’t resemble the quintessential woman?

Just like my trans sisters, there are cisgender women who don’t resemble the quintessential woman. Nonetheless, we are all women and we try to make the best with what we have.

And by the way, the mirror does lie. I always look fab when I look at my femme self in the mirror; to see what I really look like, I take a selfie.

And so it goes.

Source: Boston Proper
Wearing Boston Proper

Kel Mitchell
Kel Mitchell femulating Oprah (“Okrah”) on television’s All That


  1. Great response Stana. Me and a fellow T-girl were discussing recently that our mother's generation was taught once you had kids, you should become a dowdy Aunt Bea type. So many otherwise beautiful women had to make themselves look ugly. Now look how many women in their 50s, 60s, or even 70s still look lovely and desireable.
    It's the same for us T-girls. Society for so long told us not to express our femininity, and we did what they told us. Now we don't care. We're gonna look feminine, we're gonna look better than our age, and you can't intimidate us anymore!

  2. "...you should blush with embarrassment..."

    To use a much loved film quote:

    "Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man." :-)

    What would we do if we followed the emailer's suggestions? My initial thoughts are that it is not a path towards self-acceptance or self care. I think I'd rather drink the lemonade than constantly scald myself for not being pretty, femme, petite, girly, etc. a

    Plus, to suggest that women who share some of our traits are some how less, is frankly, rude.

  3. Lemonade Girl is very wrong in use of her mirror

    There are many who do just fine and many who are more feminine than their spouses

    Heels, short skirts, and blouses are the norm not to mention stockings and baby dolls

  4. Stana,
    I so agree with you. So often I only know how something truly looks on me when I see it in a photo. I also disagree with the writers statement on hair length. I have seen more than a few "mature" women with longer hair looking absolutely gorgeous. I have no intention of cutting my locks which currently reach midback because someone may think it is not appropriate for one who in in her early 60's. I am 6'5" barefoot and I know that mostly I am not going to often be considered a cisfemale, but it will not keep me from expressing who I am.

  5. "Okrah": sounds like an ingredient to "gumboh".

  6. I think the important thing about our hair, long or short, is that it's styled and works -- when we look in the mirror. I'm fortunate to have my own long hair which goes from collarbone length to 2/3 the way down my back -- and then back again. Every two years I donate a foot to Locks of Love. I always have my hair looking very nice and in the past ten or so years the only words I get about it are compliments, either right away or after I explain my donation process. Many of the cis women I know have left their long hair alone as they've aged. They look great. I'm glad our society is growing out of regimented ways people "should" look.

    As far as the message goes, I know I have all those male gender attributes and yet I'm simply destined to be in women's clothes. As Stana says, sometimes I look in my mirror and think, "Hey, I'm looking good". I don't speak the rest of the sentence -- "for me". But what I'm saying is that I've taken great pains in dressing like an elegant lady in my late 70's and having my makeup well done and understated. My hair is styled beautifully -- thank you Mom for giving me my pretty hair genes. I'm very respectful of the gender I'm doing my best to emulate. I'm avoiding the "Oh, look at me" way of dressing far too many CD ladies adopt. My goal is to blend in with the other ladies. If people see me as a man in a dress, well, that's what I am, but I'm also honoring the femininity I so much admire. I'm with Elizabeth, I'm going to express the person I am!

  7. To Lemonade Girl,
    Before you hit the send button for the email, read it and realize how broad and disrespectful your generalizations are, then hit the delete button.
    Angel Amore

  8. Well, I've been told that I look better than my sister, so there. As a DQ in Washington D.C. once said, "Lipstick and paint makes men what they aint". It is also about style. Think of how many articles are written about how women can remedy figure issues with a bit of color and misdirection. We can too. Nose too big? Talk to my daughter, she inherited my nose. I dare anyone to say she isn't good looking! Shoulders to wide? Look at Olympic class female swimmers. Cankles? Got 'em. To put it one way, if I can't be the prettiest, I can at least be the handsomest woman out there!

  9. I usually visit your blog for a little fun, checking out what kind of "femulation in the media" you have found this time and to read your insights. But this message from this very sour person.. pffff, the nerve to send something so nasty to you!!

    You look fab and so stylish... always! :)

    Oh.. and I'm 43, as long as my hair looks like it does now... I will keep it long!! I don't care what anyone says!!

  10. What a fabulous response Stana! When life hands you lemons, make some limoncello, slip into your favorite dress and shoes, and toast your beauty:)

    Honestly, I find the email quite rude to suggest that if we don't look exactly like the ideal woman at our respective ages should, we shouldn't even try. There are as many female "looks" as there are stars in the sky, and they're all beautiful!

    Ciao! Elise