Tuesday, August 27, 2019

Perhaps…

By Paula Gaikowski, Femulate Contributing Editor

The other day while driving through Natick, Massachusetts, I saw a rainbow flag hanging outside one of the town’s churches, not that unusual nowadays. However, next to it flew the transgender flag. A few days later while cruising down 495, there was a pink, blue and white transgender support ribbon on the back of someone’s car.

In addition, I see mentions of gender identity in organization and corporate mission statements. Teachers I know tell me that most high schools have transgender students these days. All these things would have been unthinkable when I was younger.

Viewing this all as a baby boomer makes one reflect about growing up in a time where being gay was literally a crime, the word transgender did not exist and doctors and therapists didn’t know about, nor did they treat transgender people.

Many Femulate readers remember those days when the only information available were magazines in adult books stores and the occasional story on television shows like Donahue or Sally Jesse Raphael. As a teenager, there weren’t any adults that I could confide my feelings to. Teacher, clergy, doctor, parent or sibling all would have condemned me. It was no different in college.

I now read accounts all the time of young people coming out as transgender to their parents. When I first signed onto the Internet in 1995, our community seemed small. Today on trans websites, thousands of young transgender persons are coming out and transitioning while getting support from family, medical professionals and work.

One young woman named Gabi is able to crossdress a few days a week at her bank. I compare that the good old days when people were fired because they were gay or crossdressed on their own time. We’ve come a long way,  but we still have more progress to make.

Although Caitlynn Jenner is a controversial figure in the transgender community, I believe it was her coming out that served as the tipping point in 2015. That to me struck a sea change when the word transgender entered the lexicon and corporations, churches, schools and insurance companies all came on board.

When Caitlynn won the decathlon she was viewed as the personification of masculinity. So many people in powerful positions knew her. This made her coming out so much more of an impact and helped define being transgender. So I respect and applaud her bravery; she made it easier for the many who followed.

All of this makes me wonder what a different path my life would have taken. So many times under draconian circumstances, I described how I almost came out and pursued transition. With the resources and acceptance available today, I surely would have transitioned.

After 60 years of intense self-examination, there is no doubt that I am a woman deep down inside. I could have contributed so much to my gender, my community, a husband and family.

Transitioning in the 1980’s would have meant a loss of livelihood, while transgender medical procedures were nascent and experimental. My family would have shunned me and society at large would have marginalized me.

What I see happening now with many transgender women would not have been the experience for me in 1982. Medically advanced procedures such as HRT, FFS and SRS paid for by medical insurance was not the norm in 1982. HR departments fired transgender persons rather than sending them flowers on their first day as a woman. Parents and friends, who might be able to adjust and support their transgender daughter, weren’t there. And today, dating a transgender woman doesn’t carry the social stigma it once did.

That’s the conundrum; perhaps what appears to be the incorrect decision may in actuality be what was best decision for me under the circumstances at the time.




Source: Stylewe
Wearing Stylewe




Veit Alex
Veit Alex

20 comments:

  1. I so agree with Paula on how things were in the 70's & 80's and how that are now. I would be complete and happy woman now. Living a happy life.

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  2. Dear Paula,
    Thanks for your observations and thoughts and I could not agree more with the last sentiment: ‘what was best decision for me under the circumstances at the time.’ I like to think that is how I make all my decisions. The people who transitioned when we were young must have had such dysphoria that they either did that or would not be here now, I never felt like that but cannot help wondering what if I was young now?

    Like you, I am amazed at how the opportunities have blossomed. Most have heard of ‘trans’, information is freely available and almost everything is possible but is it easier? If I was young and making my decisions now, what would I do? With hopefully a lifetime ahead, which direction would I take?

    I should expect to be able to make my own way in the world which means I need a career but would being female, even now, make that harder? Transitioning takes time, which alone is a hurdle to getting established in life. I know I should want to love and be loved by a partner. Maybe as a woman my instincts to procreate would be stronger but being unable to do that would not stop me. However, I am not strong enough to stand out let alone carry any flag, so I should need to be unambiguously accepted as a female. Really, I should just love the prospect of being a woman but how would I know what the future would hold and changing gender is still now, far from a walk in the park. I should also actually be a transwoman, which while not worn on my sleeve, could not be denied.

    So, with such thoughts my heart really goes out to those like us but young today. Life is full of unknowns anyway and do you want to add to the existing by adding another of changing gender? As much as I should love to fully experience life as a woman and the means to do so are so much more available should I really chose to do so, even now?

    We are dealt the chance of life with all the attendant risks and I firmly believe it becomes what we chose to make of it but I feel that I should still be too cautious to seize the chance to change gender. In many ways, things were so much easier for us then, there was really no decision. Now there are just so many and predicting the future is even harder.

    Thanks again for your thought provoking post.
    Love Linda

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    1. Thanks Linda and thank you for sharing you journey and your thoughts. Life is a puzzle and transgender persons were given the 5000 piece one!

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  3. Paula, so much of your article speaks directly to me. I too have wondered what could have or what would have been if I had not spent to first two thirds of my life denying something that was really a very integral part of my being. Guess that will just have to remain in the "what if" part of the past. In the meantime I am very grateful for what has taken place with public sentiment towards trans people as well as all the others of us that don't quite march to same music.

    Peace,

    Lee

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  4. Paula
    Your article is almost a description of my life as well
    I had the same problem:-
    Very little information available, occasional story in a newspaper magazine
    Parents extremely hostile to an talk about dressing
    Nowhere to hide anything, I would have been in big trouble if it was found
    I did not get on line until 1998 when my company offered free home internet to all it's staff
    I wonder how many people, born in 1940s-1960s had the same problems
    Lucy

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    1. "I wonder how many people, born in 1940s-1960s had the same problems"

      I think we share that experience, that's what brings us together

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  5. Paula,
    Excellent post. Very well thought out and very well written. Every generation has to face the world as they find it and they have to live in the world they inherit. While many things are easier for the current generation of young people there are still issues that they confront. Many of us have our "what if" thoughts. I still say the best rule is the "Golden Rule".
    Peace and thanks for the words of wisdom.

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    1. So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

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  6. Try the 1950-1960's for a scary time to be openly crossdressing! It was not unusual for cars full of haters to stop, pile out and beat up our sisters. The police immediately put those incidents in the cold case file, if they got reported at all. I actually witnessed DC Police outside a gay club called Johnny's beat Drag Queens who had appeared earlier that evening beat them with their clubs. They looked at the people who witnessed that ugly incident and said they'd hunt down anyone who reports what they did. "Nobody calls an ambulance!" they yelled at us. It was open season all the time in DC against our sisters, and gays in general.

    Thank heavens things are so much better these days. All the information anyone needs is readily available online, People don't have to slink into a doctor's office to discuss "those problems" any more. The docs are open and welcoming. Sure, there is still individual prejudice which, like right now, that gets a mouthy "leader" and the rights we've won come under attack. And there's the genocide some are committing against our sisters, but they no longer go immediately into the cold case file. There are still issues, as there always will be, but we're so many orders of magnitude better off than when I first started observing our situation back in the 1950's. Even a "man in a dress" in non-binary dress like me can move about without problems. Things are so much better now that when I seriously think about it I'm often moved to tears.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Try the 1950-1960's for a scary time to be openly crossdressing! It was not unusual for cars full of haters to stop, pile out and beat up our sisters. The police immediately put those incidents in the cold case file, if they got reported at all. I actually witnessed DC Police outside a gay club called Johnny's beat Drag Queens who had appeared earlier that evening beat them with their clubs. They looked at the people who witnessed that ugly incident and said they'd hunt down anyone who reports what they did. "Nobody calls an ambulance!" they yelled at us. It was open season all the time in DC against our sisters, and gays in general.

    Thank heavens things are so much better these days. All the information anyone needs is readily available online, People don't have to slink into a doctor's office to discuss "those problems" any more. The docs are open and welcoming. Sure, there is still individual prejudice which, like right now, that gets a mouthy "leader" and the rights we've won come under attack. And there's the genocide some are committing against our sisters, but they no longer go immediately into the cold case file. There are still issues, as there always will be, but we're so many orders of magnitude better off than when I first started observing our situation back in the 1950's. Even a "man in a dress" in non-binary dress like me can move about without problems. Things are so much better now that when I seriously think about it I'm often moved to tears.

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  8. Thanks for getting this conversation started, Paula. Let me toss in a quick compliment now. If I was as lovely as you, I'd seriously consider dropping off all my male clothing at a local charity. You're a beautiful woman.

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  9. I just might!

    Thanks for your insight into the 50-60's

    Some of the younger TG persons I meet are so critical of older transgender women and some of out thoughts and opinions

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  10. Thanks for the great article Paula.
    BTW that is an AWESOME wig shop....
    Your mention of 'Phil' and 'Sally Jessie' reminded me of two shows that I would REALLY like to see again.
    1)'The Secret Wardrobe'
    a late night expose on crossdressing and Tri-ess that I recall was on NBC in the late '70's-80's(?). This was pre internet and I could not find a way of contacting them.
    2)
    There was a multi part story on A&E cable where males and females were dressed and trained to behave (act, speak, move)as the opposite gender. I recall mentioning to my then girlfriend (now my wife) that 'I did that in college, when girlfriend dressed me up for Halloween'. I was 'fishing' for a reaction from her, and got none... ?

    Any recollections about the TV shows out there? Are they on the 'net?
    Velma

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    1. I don't know if this is the same #2 as you're thinking of... 'He's a Lady' on TBS. The first episode was "the change". After that, they lived together and did things like shopping and... I can't recall what else. I remember there was one girl who looked *really* good; the others... not so much.

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    2. The wig shop is the Paula Young factory store in West Bridge-water Mass

      Go there! Great awesome selection super support staff!

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  11. HR sending flowers to celebrate your first day on the job as a woman? That's a thing?

    I'd probably cry.

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    1. Meg

      here is the post

      http://www.faithdabrooke.com/2016/11/a-transgender-girl-comes-out-at-work.html

      Delete
  12. A lot of these comments are hitting home. Watching talk shows and scouring the tabloids. Wondering what would happen if I was 13 now, instead of in 1988. And the fishing with friends/girlfriends. So many times I'd steer the conversation towards crossdressing...only to have them obliviously change the subject. Sigh...

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  13. I re-read your post and your comment on the bumper stickers struck a note. This morning on the GSP there was a car with a "Re-elect Trump" bumper sticker along side a sticker of the LGBT flag.
    Last year at my son's wedding I got to meet so many of his friends. All were wonderful and like my son and his new husband (an Iraq war vet), they were all strong supporters of the President. They live in a rural area where the guys and the girls remain interested in hunting and guns and cars and fishing...this crowd, however are LGBT. Last year my son and his husband gave each other gun safes. There is hope that in many places people can accept each other and live by the golden rule.

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