Tuesday, August 20, 2019


By Paula Gaikowski, Femulate Contributing Editor

Back in 1968, I was 9 years old. The style at the time amongst my third-grade classmates was mini-dresses, fishnet stockings and go-go boots. I became captivated by my female classmates and what they wore. Each day I wondered what pretty or cute outfit they would wear. So was it curiosity or envy that led me to my sister’s bedroom that morning?

To this day, I am not sure. I just remember wanting to wear dresses like the girls in school did. I also remember being jealous on days when they all went to Maywood School of Dance. I would see them afterwards going home in their tutus and leotards. I remember thinking, “Gosh, it would be fun doing ballet.” However, I knew to keep that thought to myself.

It was a Saturday, my parents were gone somewhere and my sister was out, too. There in the closet it hung, an above-the-knee brightly colored paisley dress. Just like the one the girls in my school wore. A hasty search turned up black fishnet pantyhose, panties and a slip.

I couldn’t believe that I was actually going to wear these clothes, I was so happy.

I threw off the pajamas that I had been wearing and next put on the stockings.

Thinking back, I wonder how I knew how to do that, I mean how does a 9-year-old boy know how to put on a pair of stockings? Well, not surprisingly it seemed to come very naturally.

Rummaging through her closet I found black go-go boots just like the ones Irene Barusso got for Christmas!

Wow, so this is what it feels like. Girls are so lucky!

Somewhere in the room I found a wiglet, a bun that my sister used for a wedding she was in.
The wig let led me to the vanity and then the makeup, lipstick, mascara, then eyelash curler.
I would sit and watch my sister and Mom put there makeup --- now it was my turn.

Spellbound and absorbed, it took a moment for me to hear the car in the driveway.

My sister.

Panicked, I ran down into the basement as the back door opened.

My sister, called for me and I answered, “Down here, I’m playing ping-pong.”

Who plays ping-pong alone besides a terrified 9-year-old transgender girl?

Meanwhile, in a frenzy I had stripped off all of the clothes and was rubbing off my lipstick the best I could.

I heard my sister go into the kitchen. I covertly made my way into her bedroom. In a panic I threw the dress, fishnets and panties on the floor of her closet.

I wandered into the kitchen trying my best to appear calm and innocent, “What were your doing?” she asked in a snippy tone.

I opted for the stock answer of guilt-ridden children everywhere, “Nothing.”

I ran away hoping to escape further questioning, I don’t remember much else about that day, however it remains a pivotal day in my mind. It was the first time I dressed up as a girl and it ignited something deep down inside me.

The next morning, I went to my closet to get dressed and there on the floor just as I had left them in my sister’s closet were the dress, pantyhose, panties and slip thrown in a heap on the floor of my closet.

I felt my face flush red and fear run through my body. “What now?” I thought. She knows, I’m caught what will happen to me?

I hid the clothes and later when the house was empty again I went down to my sister’s room and put everything neatly away.

She never said anything to me about that afterwards. I wonder what she thought and why she put the clothes there. Was it a way to admonish me? Or was it an olive branch of acceptance?

I’ll never know. My sister died one year ago this week.

Source: Venus
Wearing Venus

Benjamin Koldyke
Benjamin Koldyke emulating in the 2012 television series Work It!


  1. A wonderful and vivid recollection. It is amazing how we can recall every color and tone of some events that are 50 years old but forget what we had for dinner last night. I feel for your loss of your sister. I can sense your feeling of many unanswered questions.

    1. Thank you Pat
      Yes, as the years pile up, do the un answered questions.

      Such is the burden of a well lived life

    2. First of all I am so very sorry for your loss.

      Maybe your sister just thought you had been hiding in there and pulled a few items down, and wanted you to put her things back in their place. That would be my guess.

      I had a similar experience back around the same time. I tried on some knee-high gogo boots and a ladies coat. They belonged to someone I liked a lot and it felt so lovely. I remember it like yesterday.


  2. Out of sight, out of mind.
    That is as far as things like misplaced clothing, ect goes.
    OTOH, my mother was a total neurotic 'cleaning freak'. I mean, this woman regularly cleaned behind the REFRIGERATOR-- after moving the damn thing! And this was 'back in the day' when refrigerators lacked wheels!
    one day I came home from my first year Community College courses to find her in my closet, trying to open my old scout camp foot locker.

    Needless to say, it wasnt exactly camp (yeah, right, -'camp')gear inside that thing anymore!
    Lucky for me the locker was indeed locked, so I picked it up out of the closet and announced that 'I had lost the key, and I was taking it to the locksmith for a replacement key'. Where upon I put the locker in the trunk of my 1970 Olds, Cutlass/442. Close call!
    My younger brother got it worse,.... MOM exercised her 'cleaning fetish' out oh his mangy, P.O.S, 1970 Ford Maverick, and proceeded to clean the interior. Bro was never a mental giant, as MOM soon found 'his stash' under the front seat (well duh!). Always the budding psychopath, he nary batted an eye, and calmly announced that the plastic baggie that Mom held in his face contained CATNIP as his (smokin') buddy David had this cat.....
    Well, Whaddayouknow?
    Mom bought the story!
    Crisis averted!
    Years later, MOM, herself a smoker, offered a confidential comment that she always regretted never trying out Bro's 'catnip'.

  3. Wow - that show WORK IT was 2012? I remember watching all 2 episodes before they pulled the plug on it. It was a BOSOM BUDDIES wanna be but nowhere near as good.

  4. Work It! Reminded me of "Ask Harriett", Anthony Tyler Quinn plays an out-of-work sports writer who must dress as a woman when he gets a job as an advice columnist, using the name Harriett. He transforms into Harriett when he goes to the office. It only lasted 5 shows but Harriett was definitely HOT!

    1. Yes - that was a pretty good show. Many episodes are on You Tube


  5. I am so sorry for your loss.

  6. Nice to see Paula back on this blog, love her story and travels.

  7. I was in first grade around 1971. By then, the girls mostly wore dresses only for special occasions like first day, picture day or musical performances. How I admired their beautiful clothes on those days and how jealous I was when the teachers would give those girls endless compliments. One girl always wore a dress on gym days and thus always got excused from participating. I wasn’t very sporty and I wanted to be in on that arrangement too. Knowing that such a thing would never happen was one of the saddest things I can remember from those days.


  8. noun: empathy

    the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

    We do understand

  9. Paula, how well I can relate to your story. I got caught in my mothers bra one evening. Mass panic! However, mom was more cool than I knew. She told me to take it off and come talk to her. First question was why I did it. " to see what it felt like". Next, did you like it? Answer, yes, it felt very nice.
    The subject was dropped. A couple days later I came home to find a store bag on my bed. In it were two pretty white lacy bras, a pack of panties, pantyhose and a full slip. There was a note that read" for Renee with love. More to come soon". I was shocked to say the least, but I immediately tried the bra on and it fit perfectly. The panties came next and then the slip and pantyhose. I was in heaven. A knock at the door and mom looked in and just smiled.
    Mom was a great seamstress, and several days later a note was taped to my door saying to look in my closet. There on hangers were three beautiful dresses. I slipped into my new underthings and then into the prettiest of the three dresses. I happily walked to the living room to model my gifts. I gave moma grateful hug and thanked her for accepting me. She said that she had always hoped for a girl, and now she has the best of both.

  10. whaat a great story I had similar itsreally hard as ive denied most of life trying to live as others wanted at school I was picked of after gym and made sweep or mop changing rooms after class,they started on a small guy I tried to help him them they did it to me instead,theywould keep me back and make me put on girls skirts tights knickers they found left or lost out of changing rooms ,id have to sweep and mop room in girls clothes leotard skirt bra nickers act girly and dance around,the first time I was really agry and scared,but after it happened again I liked feel attention and it aroused excited me,they told my sisters and they did same ,when parents where out id have to dress up with makeup all and do the chores house work as a girl, I liked it and made out it was hated but after they started letting me pick clothes and helping wuith make up I was putty in their hands,after they left home I tried to be as others expected but couldn't settle or date girls for long as I kept wanting to try on their clothes or got jealious of they ,crazy I guess.then I dated bi girl a few years back she liked role play and wanted me to I acted as if I wasn't into but was so eager and was brought own wardrobe and all ,we had only done this privately and I contuied to wear clothes under guy clothes daily unknown to her ,then at xmas she asked me to go out as female with her to bar and club ,I wanted to and after a few drinks agreed,off we went me dress and out it was so different the feel breeze and walking ,felt amazing perfect I was suprized at bar club I was accepted and even got compliments attentions of guys other crossdressers and brought drinks,id never felt so right and free and loving it all still using guy toilets I walked into e followed I guess as I went into cubiclehe pushed his way in andstarted to hug me fondle me lifting skirt pinned me to wall andstarted to snog me I was in shock he was a cute guy and had brought me drinks ,all of a sudden I responded and we where all over each other we where broken up by a bouncer checking loos and I lost him in club ,id never really thought is want to be a girl live as girl and date a guy,at school it had turned me on and nmever realized I was really a female trapped in a guy ,my life was changed and if finally accepted the real me lol xxx