Thursday, August 29, 2019

Close Call

By Sally Stone

My wife and I were planning to meet friends for drinks at a favorite watering hole in a town about 50 miles away from where we live. The location was ideal because it was equidistant from us and our friends and it afforded my wife and I a certain level of anonymity or so we thought.

When it comes to my feminine persona, I kind of lead a double life. I’m very social on one hand; on the other, our family and most of our friends don’t know anything about Sally. And while I know it is always a possible to encounter someone who knows my male persona, I feel fairly confident that mitigating such an encounter wouldn’t be too difficult. My confidence stems from the fact that when I’m presenting as Sally, I look significantly different than when I’m in male mode. I think even close acquaintances would have to get up close and personal to recognize the male me.

That’s me though. As for my poor wife, she is never in disguise, making her obviously recognizable. I think it’s the primary reason she’s not as comfortable as I when we are out as girlfriends. Such was the case on a recent Saturday outing when our plan was to rendezvous with friends who know Sally.,

We parked after paying the lot attendant, got out of the car and began to make our way across the street towards the restaurant. From the parking lot we had to climb steps up to street level and just as I reached the top of the steps two of our close friends, who don’t know anything about Sally, were walking down the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street. Jane, the wife, actually looked in our direction and I panicked a bit at the thought of her seeing my wife, who was just behind me still coming up the steps.

For several seconds I was certain that my wife’s biggest fear was about to be realized, that she’d be recognized and because we were together, I’d be outed. I have played scenarios like this over and over in my head, wondering how I would deal with such an eventuality and I have thought the best answer would be frank honesty. Certainly, there would have been shock on the acquaintance’s part and I would probably feel a little embarrassed, but my poor wife’s embarrassment would certainly be much worse than mine.

Fortunately, there was no recognition of either of us and our friends passed by continuing down the sidewalk. I breathed a huge sigh of relief knowing I had dodged a bullet. For my wife’s part, she had no idea the close encounter had just taken place. I thought about telling her, but knowing how the revelation would have rattled her, I chose not to.

And to be honest, my decision was for the most part, a selfish one. Had I told her, I’m certain the gravity of the near incident would have damaged her already fragile resolve making here even more apprehensive about accompanying me out in public.

Even with such a close call, I kept telling myself that a repeat occurrence was quite unlikely. But that really isn’t true. I can no more control situations like this than I can the weather and being honest with myself, I know I can’t fully protect my wife no matter how carefully I plan our outings.

So, I ask myself, “Is it just a matter of time before the inevitable happens? Is it a forgone conclusion that at some point, I'll have to face reality and reveal my feminine persona to a circle of friends that have no idea Sally exists?” I know I could weather the turbulence that would certainly follow, but I worry it won't be so easy for my wife. The selfless thing to do would be to put Sally back in the closet, but no matter how noble such a decision might be, I would be subjecting myself to eternal pain and misery. I can't and  I won't do that. I need my feminine self-expression to stay sane.

A compromise, the best I can hope for, is to minimize my wife's exposure to such threats. To do that we need to limit our girlfriend outings. That's sad and I'll miss her company, but it is a sacrifice that works to achieve two important objectives. The first is I retain the trans balance in my life that gives me my joy and my sanity and the second is I don't expose my wife to situations where her presence would serve to out me and ultimately embarrass her.

Wearing Venus (Stana likes this dress so much that she ordered it for herself.)

Kazik Mazur femulates Zdzisława Sośnicka on Polish television's Twoja Twarz Brzmi Znajomo.


  1. The alternative is come out as Gender Fluid, and then you can control who knows when, and how they find out. I quite understand that your wife may not be ready for that, but it makes life a lot easier when you are not in hiding.

  2. Another compromise is to limit outings together to destinations that are... uhm, notoriously... LGBT-populated. For a long time, that meant my wife and I would only appear together outside in Provincetown on vacations and weekend trips, or to private get-togethers with other transfolk. Yeah, it wasn't as satisfying as being able to go out together locally, but it kept her fears of me being outed down to a level she could deal with.

    On the other hand, it meant that the only people likely to recognize her would have to explain why THEY were there as well.

  3. Thank you for a wonderful blog post that hits home to many of us. I know that I could handle things but it would crush my wife if friends were to find out about me. She is ultra cautious about all other aspects of her life and this is how she is wired. For me I am more of a come what may person.
    I know that we love dressing from head to toe and that our wives just don't see things the same way but perhaps she may be interested in a bit of a disguise. If you have an extra wig offer to lend it to her. It will likely change her entire appearance.
    I really understand and appreciate your desire to spare your wife any level of embarrassment.
    Good luck.

  4. The first time my wife accompanied Julie for a night out, we went to a drag club in LA. (Dragstrip 66) They offered no cover charge for those in drag, so my wife butched up for the evening. We had fun, dancing and meeting new folks. The next time wasn't until almost 20 years later. She has joined Julie and some of my GF twice now - a brunch (no incidents) and a Night Out for Drinks. On THAT evening, we entered the hotel lobby headed for the lounge, and one of my GFs saw some mutual friends across the room. As stated above, I'm sure they wouldn't have recognized me, but my wife would have been spotted. We hid behind a large potted plant as if we were planning where to go next, and when they left the hotel we went into the lounge with no further incidents.

  5. It is really getting to be a really SMALL PLANET!
    My wife and I flew to Chicago from ATL on a vacation trip (WE have 'other fetishes'-- and 'we meet yearly in ChiTown for a world-wide' party ). Upon checking in at the hotel near O'Hare, I happened upon a 'nemesis' from my employment. Fortunately, HE was not part of the party, as he was on company business. Boss-man and I exchanged pleasantries and we parted ways.
    No other excitement outside the meeting, EXCEPT, this was the time and place where OJ Simpson was arrested! I missed the arrest.