Thursday, March 21, 2019

Reading Hannah is Worth It

Hannah wrote a great blog post that she published this morning. She offers great advice about handling our transness with regard to our spouses and I highly recommend reading it if you have a significant other.

I just wish I had received her advice when I was dating and marrying back in the Triassic Era. 

Jumping on the time machine and traveling back to the late 1970s finds me in the closet honing my crossdressing skills while hoping to be invited to some Halloween bash, which was my only public outlet for my "hobby" back then.

I knew very little about my hobby. After nearly 20 years of crossdressing, I was getting pretty good at it, but I had no idea what was behind it. I was sure I wasn't a gay, but I wasn't sure I was a guy.

There was no Internet to inform me, nor was there much in the way of literature on the subject. A one-line definition of "transvestite" was all I could find in my family's encyclopedia. So I flew blindly as I dated and married, never telling my bride what was going on until she confronted me after another Halloween fling as a girl.

Read Hannah's post and avoid messing up your relationships with your loved ones.

Source: NameBrandWigs
Wearing Noriko (Source: NameBrandWigs)

Kevin Michael Perry
Tatiana Sway aka Kevin Michael Perry


  1. Great post Stana, and very relatable. I would love to hear more about the the time your wife confronted you. Have you written about it before?

  2. Hannah's essay on telling your significant other about your female self is "required reading". She is clear, thorough and right on target.I didn't tell my spouse about Mikki because I didn't have words for it back then. While the clothes felt good, I was making my dressing more of a negative statement about my maleness. That continued past that marriage, being single for a good while and through a second marriage. In the space between marriages I had a woman friend who I told about it. We acted on it a few times but she just couldn't do it. I pretty much put Mikki on the shelf the second marriage and focused on a household with four teenagers. As they grew up and my soon-to-be-ex was holding active tryouts for my replacement I was drawn back to dressing. I still had negatives but now saw that was just stupid.

    I saw a therapist for depression brought on by serious coronary artery disease, but we dealt with the whole package. That led me to clear the air with my father. Once that was done, all of a sudden dressing became a blessing. I moved to "the big city" and now dress when and how I please.

    But back to Hannah. It's my belief that not sharing one's entire self with your partner is the same as disrespecting them. In a true partnership you put all your chips on the table, you're honest with your feelings and exude the confidence that your relationship is strong enough to deal with whatever comes up. Take note of the boundary issues -- Hannah's right about this. If you need to stretch them it needs to be done jointly. Maybe the relationship will survive, maybe not, but with honesty, even if you part you'll do it as friends.

    The last couple women I've "seen" know about Mikki and both have seen her. Well, I look like a big man in a dress. One of the women decided to bail out and the other set boundaries that would have her meet Mikki at gay places where none of her friends might see her. Marginalizing me made it difficult to continue with her, but we're still friends and usher together at local theaters and go to the occasional movie. Mikki doesn't usher, but she very often goes to the late movie. If I ever link up with a (potential) partner again, Mikki will be on the table early on. Read Hannah's blog, take it to heart.

    I wish I could have had my head around Mikki when I was young, but she was around in the early '60's and '70's, and there was so little information around that I felt like I was on my own. Couldn't find the words. Needed to overcome the "job" my dad did on me, making me feel inadequate. But my add-on the Hannah is to always respect your spouse/partner/close friend. Let them know all of you.