Monday, March 4, 2019

My Theory of Operation

Ready for outreach, December 2008
I wrote this post in 2008 and it surprises me how it still applies 11 years later. I guess there is some truth in the saying that "the more things change, the more they stay the same."

When I do outreach, the other presenters almost always identify as transsexual. I only recall doing outreach on two occasions with others who did not identify as transsexual.

Listening to the transsexuals tell their life stories always causes me to consider my own identity. A recent outreach was no different. Since then, I have done a lot of thinking about my identity and I believe I have had an epiphany.

I identify as a heterosexual male-to-female crossdresser, who crossdresses once or twice per month (in deference to my spouse). However, I readily admit that if I had the opportunity, I would crossdress 24/7 and live full-time as a female without surgery, hormones, or other body modifications. I likely would get electrolysis, but nothing more than that.

If I desire to live full-time as a woman, am I still a crossdresser? Or am I something else... something beyond a crossdresser, but not quite a transsexual mainly because I never felt that I was a woman trapped inside the body of a male.

I admit that I am not the most manly male, at least according to other people's opinions of me. When I was young, I was called a "sissy," "fairy," "twinky," "faggot," etc. because others perceived me as being effeminate. That perception may still exist, but as an adult, the people I encounter are polite enough to keep such opinions to themselves.

I did not (or do not) make any effort to be effeminate (or masculine, for that matter). I always acted in a way that was natural to me and my natural inclination was to act effeminately according to the "standards" set by our society.

I never felt I had a masculine or feminine side and I never felt that I was a woman trapped inside the body of a male like the typical transsexual, who hid or suppressed their femininity in boy mode.

I never felt that I was a woman trapped inside the body of a male because SHE WAS NEVER TRAPPED! I never suppressed my femininity because I never realized I was acting effeminately, so as far as I was concerned, there was nothing to suppress.

Back in college, I attended a Halloween party in en femme. One of my classmates who knew me well was impressed on how my normal persona was such a good fit for my costume. Until he saw me in drag, he never realized that my everyday persona was so feminine. That confirms what I always believed, i.e., "I" am the same person in boy mode or in girl mode except that "I" am a better fit in girl mode.

In conclusion, I am not a woman trapped in a male body, rather I am a woman with a male body and I’m OK with that. I realize that my body has nothing to with my gender and further, that having a male body does not make me less of a woman.

Source: Unique Vintage
Wearing Unique Vintage (Source: Unique Vintage)

Alice Cos Group
Elle of Gossip Gurl fame posted this video of the femulating Alice Cos Group dancing to So Crazy


  1. Stana
    It sounds as though you are between two types of transgender person
    The full time Cross dresser and the Non Op transexual (some one who does not want to alter their body)
    Both are living full time as women and might not have a pair of pants between them

  2. Not that much true "black and white" in the definitions of crossdresser vs transgender. We live in a blended world as far as defining ourselves. I see our community as being under a wide TS "umbrella", with TS women in the center and those of us who "just" crossdress out toward the edge. I like your self-definition, Stsna, "a woman with a man's body". But why do we need to be put or put ourselves in a box at all?

  3. Julie ShawMarch 04, 2019

    I identify fully with your definition, Stana. And I still receive comments from "well meaning sisters" that I am not being true to myself and I should move toward transitioning. Well I feel perfectly fine where I am - and I now have a new way to express it! From one woman with a man's body to another - thank you, Sweetie! ❤

    1. Julie
      Go as far as you feel comfortable with and do not, under any circumstances, let any one push you into going further
      You can always change your mind later

    2. Dear Lucy,
      Thank you for the words of encouragement, Sweetie. If only we ALL built each other up instead of trying to make everyone fit OUR idea of who they should be . . . ~~sigh~~

  4. Before puberty I was teased for being effeminate. However, after puberty I got a deep bass voice so the teasing ceased.
    I have wide hips, and thanks to injectable estrogen I have been taking for over 7 years I have developed DD breasts. That along with my hair past my shoulders causes me to be ma'amed on a frequent basis.
    But my voice has continued to deepen so I can sing the deep bass parts of Russian choral compositions. I am the only true bass in the church choir. So no-one teases me for being effeminate.
    I also don't go with the idea of adopting a feminine name.

    1. John
      A feminine name has advantages:-
      It is possible to separate male and female mode to think and act accordingly
      There is also the security aspect, some people could lose everything, family, home and job if it got out that they like wearing a skirt
      So they are only known by a feminine name when dressed