Saturday, May 7, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

"Everyone thinks we're sisters, but actually, we're mother and son." (from New Yorker)

Mom was the most influential person in my life and influenced my penchant for crossdressing in a number of ways.

She was beautiful and did not need makeup. Lipstick, powder, and rouge were all she ever used. I know because I enjoyed watching her put on her minimal makeup.

She always dressed like a fashionable lady and that was difficult to accomplish because money was tight when I was a kid. As a result, Mom sewed her own clothes, as well as clothes for my sister.

I guess I was jealous of my sister and wished that Mom would sew something for me, but there were few sewing patterns for boys' clothing. However, I would have been perfectly happy if she sewed a pretty dress for me like she did for my sister.

My Dad was a great guy, but he was not around much when I was growing up. He worked all the overtime he could get to make ends meet. For a few years, he also had a second job.

I can remember way back to my earliest memories when I actually thought that my father was a visitor because his appearances at home during my waking hours were so rare. So, during my formative years, Dad was at work, while my Mom was at home raising my sister and me.

Since I was raised in an environment where the father figure was absent most of the time, it is no wonder that I tended to follow in the footsteps of the only parental figure available to me, my Mom. As a result, I admired her and wanted to do the things she did. I did not know it at the time, but she was my role model.

I was a creative kid and Mom encouraged my creative side. I loved sports, especially baseball, but I was not very good at it (I could hit the ball a mile, but I threw "like a girl"). So early on, I knew where my strengths laid.

I spent a lot of time writing and drawing and my mother supported and encouraged me. Eventually, I became a successful professional writer with a lot of thanks going to Mom.

I looked like my Mom's side of the family and inherited many of her features like her long legs and her facial features. When I do my makeup just so, I look a lot like her; people would mistake us for mother and daughter, i.e., if she were alive and I dressed en femme in her presence.

Besides influencing my creative side, she also influenced my penchant for being feminine.

Mom often commented that because I had such nice legs, I should have been a girl. If she had made that comment once, I probably would have forgotten about it, but it seemed to me that she made that comment whenever she saw my legs bare. Don't you think that may have influenced me?

She also made comments about the way I walked. She said I "tippy-toed," i.e., I walked on my toes. I assumed from her comments that tippy-toeing was not the correct way for a male to walk, but I did not know how to walk any other way. She never showed me how I was supposed to walk, so I just kept on tippy-toeing.

I don't tippy-toe any longer. As I grew older, I must have figured out how to walk like a male. However, all my early years tippy-toeing may have facilitated my walking in high heels because ever since I slipped on my first pair of pumps, I never had a problem walking in heels.

I did not think that Mom knew about my crossdressing, because she never broached the subject despite the fact that I often got into her stuff and even ruined some items that I found out the hard way, were too small for me. I was very much in the closet then and I was just as happy that she did not know. But, she knew.

As newlyweds, my wife and I crossdressed for a Halloween party and when I mentioned our party plans to Mom over the phone, she asked if I had taken my box of "stuff" with me when I moved out.

I don't recall my response, but at that moment, I knew she knew. She never mentioned it again and neither did I.

However, once in awhile right up to her death, she would ask me, "Is there anything you want to tell me?"

I always thought she was referring to my crossdressing when she asked and I always said, "No."

In retrospect, I wish I had confided in Mom about me becoming a woman. She was so loving and so supportive that I think she would have helped me. (She was a great seamstress by the way and I can only dream about the outfits she might have sewn for her male daughter.) But, I did not confide in her and I regret it now.

But, if there is a heaven, I am sure Mom smiles down on me when she sees her firstborn dressed en femme enjoying her time as a woman.

So, Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

Your Loving Daughter,



  1. Dear Stana,

    What a wonderful story, beautifully told. I feel as though I learned more about what makes you you in this single post than I know about people I have worked with for years.

    Happy Mothers Day indeed. Thanks for sharing.

    xxoo - Petra

  2. Aw, nice story!
    I'm fortunate in that I have come out to my mother, as well as my sister, and they both are very supportive.

  3. AnonymousMay 07, 2011

    When My mom lost weight in her later life, she let me have her old clothes. We shared the same size and the same taste. It's amazing how much we inherit from our parents. while I'm not a carbon copy, there are more similarities in our looks that differences.

    I'm sure that your mother is looking down from heaven and admiring her daughter.

  4. Stana, what a beautiful story! You are so fortunate!
    My Mom was a product of the "Greatest Generation" who grew up during the depression and went through WWII.
    Like you I did have my hidden book of girl things. Unlike you my Dad was very present and macho. My family on both sides was dominated my dominate males.
    I did try to come out to my Mom at one point when I got out of the Army. She basically thought "electro shock" therapy was the answer.
    Ironically I am similar to you in that I look so much like her! Justice has been served!

  5. Fabulous story Stana, I did come out to mother and she had no problems with me femulating and in fact gave my feminine name that I use today and like your Mom I know that my mother is in heaven following her daughter also.

  6. It seems I admire you more every time I come to your blog. Your Mom story brought me to misty eyes.I indentify with so many of your experiences.
    I AM with you

  7. A wonderful story, Stana. Unfortunately, I can't say the same about my parents. Thanks for sharing.

    Calie xx

  8. AnonymousMay 09, 2011

    Stana, what a wonderful story. I never came out to my Mom either, but just like your Mom, mine knew. After she passed away, and my wife and I were helping the rest of the family clear the house, there was a large box, taped up and my name on it, and instructions to open it alone or only with my wife. In it were several dresses, lingere and jewelry and a note. It said that she wanted me to have these for " the girl" and to enjoy. I cried for an hour, then did as she said and enjoyed. Thanks Mom.

  9. Thank you for an absolutely beautiful recitation for the day when we honor our wonderful mothers.

  10. This heartfelt story brought back floods of memories about my mom and my younger years. Much like you my dad was aslways away at work or off with his male friends so mom pretty much raised my sisters and I so I pretty much looked to her as a role model and confident. Though I don't think she ever encouraged or discouraged my dressing she did walk in on me on multiple occassions while I was dressed and simply smiled and closed the door. One of my favorite memories was the summer of my 16th birthday when just such an occurance when I was experimenting with makeup and had my hair up in rollers. She simple walked in closing the door behind her saying let me help as she reset my hair and fixed my makeup. She passed away all too young and I miss her dearly. I have a couple of photos of my sisters and I dressed identically in party dresses with our hair done up that were taken when I was about 3 or 4 years old, these photos hanging on my wall at home that are precious to me and I think of mom and smile every time I walk by them.