Tuesday, October 2, 2007

my dwelling

I have been a crossdresser for about 45 years and I often wonder how much time I have spent dwelling on crossdressing, i.e., not actually crossdressing, but rather thinking, reading, dreaming, etc. about crossdressing. I am sure it is many hours.

If I dwelled on crossdressing for only one hour per day, that comes out to be 16,436 hours over 45 years. Those 16,436 hours equal 685 days, which is just two months shy of two years dwelling on crossdressing!

That number is likely on the low side because some days I dwell on crossdressing for much longer than one hour. (I recall days when I dwelled on crossdressing all day long.) On the other hand, there are very few days when I don't dwell on crossdressing at all. So the total time I have dwelled on crossdressing is easily way over two years.

What a waste! Just think about what I could have accomplished if I didn't have crossdressing on my mind interfering with my work, my play, my life.

I wonder what if I crossdressed everyday, 24/7 or something close to 24/7. Would I stop dwelling on crossdressing and accomplish something with that newly freed time?

I know when I spend a day en femme and get over the initial thrill of being crossdressed that I stop thinking about crossdressing and get on with my day even though it is a day en femme. If I lived full-time en femme, would I accomplish more in my life?

I would sure like to find out, but I think it will be something I'll never know.


  1. You are not missing much. Three months in my transition and there is not much that really changed.
    Its kind of like a non-event.

  2. My experience has been that the more I crossdress, and connect with all those delicious feminine feelings, as a result then I feel more whole with myself. The urge to crossdress, after a time, may go away. And actually, it may make my masculine side -- ie self image, feel better. Such intergration in the deeper levels of our psyches, can help us.
    Why feel the pain, loss of self, loss of wholeness? Masc. and fem. sides are connected, like the yin and yang symbol we see.
    I get lots of help with this wife my wife, who is understanding and fully accepting -- she is a therapist, and we talk deeply about these things, and how they affect her too.
    I am lucky in this way. Isolation is not a good thing, sometimes.

  3. Diana: When you say that "there is not much that really changed" since your transition, do you mean that you dwell on transgenderism as much now as you did before your transition?

    Debbie: That's not me. Crossdressing doesn't do anything for my masculine side because there are no masculine and feminine sides.

    As I wrote elsewhere, "I am the same person whether I am dressed like a female or a male. I may femme it up a bit in girl mode in order to pass, i.e., walk, talk, and carry myself in a more feminine manner, but basically, I have one persona that sometimes wears jeans and sneakers and sometimes, wears a dress, wig, makeup, and heels." The catch is that when I wear jeans and sneakers, I am OFTEN thinking about wearing a dress, wig, makeup, and heels. So often that I think it interferes with living my life.

    The big question is: If I dressed en femme full-time or nearly so, would I stop dwelling on dressing and be able to accomplish more with my life?