Thursday, May 3, 2007

a tough question, a tougher answer

Whenever I tell my trans life story like I did at two Human sexuality classes on Tuesday, I always mention that I never told my wife about my crossdressing before we were married because I bought into the old wives' tale that marriage would cure me of crossdressing.

When I did come out to my wife about crossdressing after we were married, she was initially supportive, but less so as the years passed. Meanwhile, I became better at crossdressing mainly due to her suggestion that I seek out a support group, which taught me how to be a better crossdresser. Regardless, I enjoy crossdressing a lot and would do it more often if my wife did not dislike it so. And I feel guilty for not telling her before we got married, so I only crossdress once or twice a month in deference to her.

On Tuesday, one of the female students asked me if I could do it over again and told my wife about my crossdressing before marriage and as a result, she dumped me, what would I do? Would I continue dating and try to find a woman that accepted my crossdressing? Or what?

That was a very thoughtful question and a difficult one to answer quickly. I replied that if I could do it over again and my wife rejected me before marriage because of my crossdressing*, then I probably would continue looking. I know that such a woman would be very hard to find and that I would probably be unsuccessful, give up, and live full time as a woman.

Truthfully, if I had to do it over again, I would live full time as a woman and skip the formalities of searching fruitlessly for a woman that accepted me. If one came along, that would be great, but I would not put a lot of effort into finding Ms. Right.

Recently, there was a survey posted on Helen Boyd's message board asking "what woman you'd actually want to be?" There were a wide variety of answers, but mine was unique: "Staci Hunter - I very much like the woman I am when I crossdress. If I could live as Staci full-time, I think I would be one heck of a woman and would not want to be anyone else."

I really believe that!

So, do I owe it to myself to live the way I want to live? Should I burn all my bridges behind me and start living as a woman on a full-time basis? Do I abandon my commitment to my wife and become the woman I want to be? We only go around once. I won't have this opportunity again. I just don't know.

* By the way, I asked my wife if she would have dumped me if I had told her about my crossdressing before we were married and she replied that she probably would have stuck with me anyway.

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