Which restroom should I use?
For many of us, the answer seems obvious. If I am presenting as a woman, walking into the men’s room wearing a dress, heels, makeup and carrying a handbag would be awkward for me and probably startling for the men inside. The women’s restroom is usually the more natural and less disruptive choice.
Still, opening that door for the first time can require nearly as much courage as leaving the house en femme.
I remember worrying that every woman in the restroom would immediately inspect me, sound an alarm and summon security. In reality, women generally enter a restroom for the same reason I do: to use the facilities, check the mirror, wash their hands and return to whatever they were doing. Most are far more concerned with their own business than with mine.
The best approach is to behave as any considerate woman would. Enter quietly, use a stall, leave it tidy, wash your hands and avoid lingering unnecessarily. A quick lipstick check at the mirror is perfectly ordinary. Turning the restroom into a photography studio or a place to adjust an entire outfit is not.
Discretion is especially important. A restroom is a private space, so never photograph or record anyone there. Avoid staring, initiating overly familiar conversations, or doing anything that might make another person uncomfortable. Good manners and quiet confidence go a long way.
However, if a woman begins a friendly conversation with you, respond naturally—ignoring her might seem rude or attract unnecessary attention. Use your most ladylike voice, enjoy the exchange, and take quiet satisfaction in being accepted as just another woman.
Whenever possible, I prefer a single-user or family restroom. It eliminates nearly all the uncertainty and is often more comfortable for everyone. Shopping centers, libraries, hospitals and larger restaurants increasingly provide such facilities, although they are not always easy to locate.
Local laws and establishment policies can vary, so it is wise to know the rules where you are going. If an employee directs you to a particular facility, remain calm and courteous. Arguing in a restroom doorway is unlikely to improve anyone’s day. Safety and common sense should always come first.
Presentation can also affect the experience—not because anyone should have to “pass” to use a restroom, but because a consistent presentation creates less confusion. If the rest of the world is seeing you as a woman, suddenly entering the men’s room may attract far more attention than quietly using the women’s room.
The first visit will probably feel momentous. The tenth will feel less so. Eventually, it may become what it was all along: a routine stop during an otherwise enjoyable day out.
Use the appropriate facility, respect everyone’s privacy, mind your manners and get on with your day.
After all, a lady has places to go—and occasionally, she has to go!
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| Wearing Bebe |
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| Til Schweiger femulating in the 2009 German film Rabbit Without Ears 2. Click here to view this film on YouTube.   |
Another spot on article, Sweetie.
ReplyDeleteMy first visit to the Ladies Room was at a casino with 2 cis Sister Friends. We were having a wonderful time at the bar, and as we got up to move to the cigar lounge they both mentioned needing to visit The Ladies. I hesitated for a moment, and Dear Sister Sarah linked arms with me and started walking us toward the "Holy Of Holies". We all went in, we all did what we needed to do, and we all left. Honestly, if I'd have been alone I don't know if I would have had the gumption to go in. Since then, no issues.
Weeelllllll, only 1 issue. I was at McD's and needed to use the facilities before leaving. I went up to the counter and asked the young girl there for the code for the restroom. She asked me "Which one?". I paused - partially because I wasn't sure what she asked and partly because I DID understand but wasn't sure how to respond. I said, "Excuse me?" in a very polite manner. She then just gave me the Ladies Room code. The moral of this story - stay calm and be feminine.
Your advice is right on. I have never had an issue using a woman's rest room: enter a stall, SIT, do your business, wash your hands and leave. Once at an outing at a bowling alley during First Event, I was acting as a bit of a mentor for a new girl. When she came out of the stall, she lifted her dress to adjust something - I don't remember what! Guys MIGHT do something like that but no lady would ever think of that and who knows what she might have also revealed. So, first and foremost, ask yourself, what would a quiet, polite woman do when in the restroom and then don't go beyond that!
ReplyDeleteI use the men's restroom. Any doubts that I am a man, even though I present like a woman, are cleared up when I start talking with a voice deeper than a typical man. Also, my using a urinal proves I am a man.. A bonus when wearing a dress: I simply lift the hem of my dress instead of fumbling with a zipper.
ReplyDeleteJohn
I pulled over at a restaurant on the highway driving back from an outing to use the restroom. A the hostess pointed me to the women's room. I guess I passed. Sallee
ReplyDeleteI think when traveling it is advisable to check out the local laws concerning bathroom use. In my state which is very supportive of gender expression and diversity in its statutes I have never read of any issues arising with a cross dresser using the restroom of a woman. The serious issues arising have always been a pervert masquerading as a woman to plant cameras in private spaces. The other privacy violators have been high school coaches violating the privacy of females in their locker rooms with cameras. I would conjecture the most uncomfortable situation that can arise is to be in a mall bathroom with lots of traffic, including really young girls. In general, little kids have not learned the fine art of filtering their thoughts and can throw out some unsettling questions. Adult women tend to ignore rather than confront.
ReplyDeleteJust go about your business and be polite if spoken to. Most are just in there to do their business and back to what they were doing before - Paula
ReplyDeletemaybe should be one happy family but I'm not buying it. dress as a woman and use the men's room? You're just leaving mixed signals and a bad vibe. The same goes for the Dem US Senate candidate in the recent primary debate. Could not make a decent presentation so keep it on the down low.Imagine all the laughs generated at all of us due to this
ReplyDeleteThere is NO way I can sound like a woman when I talk. I sing second bass in my church choir. We sang an anthem where my part had a lot of D2's, one ledger line below the bass staff. In the morning when I wake up, I can reach G1, three ledger lines below the bass staff.
DeleteJohn
I have used the women's room but as I always wear a high-waisted girdle and some appropriate padding, I usually wear lady's incontinence panties , just in case.
ReplyDeleteShould there be a queue, I'm not prepared to cause a problem, so don't join it. I pass but not under stress.
Lily
In the UK it's now illegal to use a restroom (to use a US term) which doesn't correspond to your biological sex. That includes trans persons who've had gender-affirming surgery, changed their names, passports, birth certificates, and everything. Of course this is embarrassing, humiliating and even potentially dangerous for anyone who obeys the law, but anyone who breaks it risks prosecution. I'm sure in practice many just quietly go about their business as they always did, but they're taking a risk.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first started going out, I always went to a Nordstroms that had a unisex bathroom (single person). Then I ventured to Chicago and needed to use the ladies loo for the first time, again at Nordstrom.
ReplyDeleteI walk in, no one in the restroom, do my business.
I finish, exit the stall, and the woman next to me says "that's a pretty dress" (it is, and still my favorite, because it's the first one I bought dressed). That was not what I expected to hear, and I said thanks, and I bought it here (meaning Nordstrom).
These days when I go out with my GG friends I try to remind them when we go into the restroom together not to talk to me, because I don't want to answer (I have a male voice which I don't try to disguise). Sometimes they remember, sometimes they don't.
Regardless, I have been in a lot of women's restrooms--including in lines at concerts and musicals--and have never had a problem. About a month ago I was at a concert and in the ladies room and another patron said she loved my dress.