I posted the following after my 2010 trip to the Dayton Hamvention in which for the first timed, I was en femme 24 hours a day during the three day event.
One week ago, I was on my journey en femme attending the world's largest ham radio convention in Dayton, Ohio. I have had a few days to reflect on my experience and have some thoughts to share.
You readers have posted comments and sent e-mails congratulating me on my trip to Dayton. I thank you all for your congratulatory words.
“Courage” is the oft-repeated word you used in those comments and e-mails. According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, courage is the “mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.”
Wow – that is stuff that makes someone a hero! I sure did not feel courageous in Dayton, nor did I feel like a hero (or heroine). I was just trying to be the real me.
All my life, I struggled trying to be the real me. While I patently rejected most of what it meant to be a male, I still presented as a male and as a result, I was an incongruous being, that is, I was a woman dressed like a man (or a girl dressed like a boy).
Although I did not know it at the time, I began crossdressing in my teens to correct that incongruity. I discovered that my new “hobby” was such a good fit that I crossdressed at every opportunity, initially in the home closet, but later in other closets beyond the home, for example, support group meetings, support group outings, crossdresser conventions, Fantasia Fair – all larger closets, but closets nonetheless.
While I was hanging out in those closets, I also took a few steps out of the closet and got a taste of being the real me in the real world. That experience was so addictive that I wanted to do it more often. Eventually, whenever I had the opportunity to be the real me, I chose to do it in the real world rather than in a closet, no matter its size.
If there was any courage on my part, I had it when I took those first few steps out of the closet into the real world. After that, my forays into the real world were fueled by the exhilaration that I knew awaited me when I was the real me in the real world. I did not need courage to do that; I just needed the opportunities to do that. My trip to Dayton was one of those opportunities.
I look forward to all the opportunities that present themselves in the future. I assure you I will use those opportunities to be the real me and it will not take courage to do so.
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| Wearing Boston Proper |
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| Michelle |
The first steps out the door are the most difficult like taking the training wheels off a bike, but once you start peddling it’s easy to keep your balance and it becomes joyful interacting with others as a woman
ReplyDeletePaula G
This has nothing to do with today’s post, but I just had to share it with my community
ReplyDeleteI’ve never dreamed of myself as a woman but last night I did, it was so realistic and powerful I just had to say something here, in the dream I was female, not cross dressing, not transitioned, and I was at work, dressed in a skirt and heels and pantyhose cute short hair interacting with others it was so realistic and powerful wow
Paula G
We have the compulsion to dress as women. But there is more than that.
ReplyDeleteWe also have the secondary compulsion to go out in public this way. That is VERY interesting to me. Why do we do this? Do we do this with everything we do, and it is just a standard part of humanity, or is this unique to crossdressing?
I think the compulsion to go out is for "validation." It is why many of us take lots of photos as well. The validation confirms who we are. Because we are always asking questions. Those questions never really go away even if we think we are so sure of ourselves.
Delete-Christina
It's called "validation"...to have others see us as we see ourselves...not just as a photograph or an image in the mirror, but as a real, live person who exists and who wants to interact with the rest of the world as their alter ego as well.
DeleteAnother reason - for me, anyway - is to give the proverbial "middle finger" to a patriarchal society that tries to shame men for exhibiting even remotely feminine ways (or inclinations), and forces us into a straitjacket while giving women the right to do or be anything they want to be, including wearing anything their hearts desire.
This is so true I can remember the need to go out in public since I was very young, the most amazing feeling is to have someone address me as Miss or ma’am, it has something to do with validation and self perception identity??
DeletePaula G
Stana,
DeleteYou said - " use those opportunities to be the real me" , the thing is , the world will never understand one having transfeminine feelings but only another who has these feelings , whether they Painfully resist or not , will Always Understand .
π±πππΆ ; πΆ ππππΎππππ
if you are a guy in the super market etc you have noted that women do not make eye contact. So when you are "out" and women initiate a conversation that is both enjoyable and validating.-emily
ReplyDelete