Friday, December 23, 2022

I Don’t Blend and I Don’t Care

Many wise transwomen recommend blending if you are trying to pass. (I’ve occasionally recommended that myself.)

The theory says that if you dress like the other women in the environment you plan to be in, that is, if you blend in with the other women, you will lessen the chances of bringing attention to yourself, thus increasing the chances of successfully passing yourself off as a woman.

For example, if you are going grocery shopping, then jeans and a top would be your choice of apparel for blending in most places as opposed to a bodycon dress and stiletto pumps.

I have tried blending and it seems to work, but blending is boring. When I dress en femme, I want to dress EN FEMME, if you know what I mean. I dress to be noticed not to be ignored. If I wanted to be ignored, I'd dress en homme.

As Lucille Sorella wrote in her Femme Secrets blog, “As a genetic woman, the last thing I want to do is blend in! I wear makeup, style my hair, and dress fashionably because I want to stand out in a crowd. I believe it’s a natural feminine desire to want to be noticed.”

As a transwoman, I feel the same way. 

I am also at an age that I dress to please me and don’t care what other people think.

And perchance I have to go to Stop & Shop to buy a few items while I am en femme, I just think of myself as another working girl dressed appropriately for the office, but overdressed for grocery shopping during her lunch hour or on her way home from the office.

Works for me.

Source: Rue La La
Wearing Rue La La

Christina at a Tau Upsilon Tri Ess Meeting, Christmas 2008.

Marcie at an entrance to the Galleria in North Dallas, Texas.


  1. Hmm. I guess there's boring and then there's blending. There's also, IMO, the extra complexity around practicality and looking your best. There might also be factors around knowing what draws attention, learning how to avoid that or deal with it.

  2. Stana,

    As usual you touch on key issues for us. For me, the answer is yes and no. I’m now en femme most of the time, and my goal is to be treated as any other woman – which I largely am. So I blend – but I also take pride in looking good. So if my nail color, or earrings, or what I’m wearing elicit attention (and a welcome compliment!) that does make my day! (And of course I return the compliment to other women…). Here in Florida women wearing pants, or crops, or shorts far outnumber those wearing dresses, and these are my everyday outfits. When I do wear a dress, it almost always gets noticed – and I do love that! 👧

    Works for me!

  3. My attitude exactly! I wear jeans all day in my male personna, Julie is there for the skirts, hose, and pumps. I also play the "working girl stopping at the grocery store" attitude. Even when wearing leggings, I usualIy wear heels. I was at the WinCo and a woman complimented my shoes, commenting that I was probably the only woman there in pumps! Sometimes being "The Only" is a great feeling!

  4. Having spent so many years not being able to be as feminine as possible, I now make up for it by wearing whatever the hell I want where and when I want. I see so many cis females in grocery stores basically looking like a guy, wearing ill-fitting clothes, no makeup and their hair unkempt, the latter being the most unacceptable part of their appearance. I think to myself whether I'd do the same if I were a cis female, but find it hard to believe since I've always preferred - other than occasionally wearing leggings, which I have worn since they were introduced into fashion - to wear a dress. One other point about this post: other than old men, who have catcalled, whistled and called me some very nice feminine superlatives lately when I am out en femme, no one gives a damn what I wear when out and about - which is a lesson I wish I had learned so many years ago!!! Hugs and kisses to all the girls on femulate and I hope you all have a fabulous holiday season!!!

  5. Rachel McNeillDecember 23, 2022

    I try to channel Miss Manners a bit on this issue. As a polite person, I try to dress appropriately for the occasion and location, so as to put others at ease. Moreover, I'm not an ingenue or a debutante, so I try to avoid "trying too hard" to turn back the clock.

    I try to envision what a genetic woman of my age, body type, and social class would wear-- and then I try to do just a little bit more. After all, part of what we have to do is "signal intent." If I wear no makeup or jewelry and throw on a dress, I'm clearly "a dude in a dress" and put myself at risk and confirm some peoples' worst expectations of our community. On the other hand, if I'm nicely turned out, behave like a lady, and act confidently (I belong here!), I think I'm being a good ambassador for our sisterhood.

  6. This has always been my mantra "to stand out rather than blend in." I temper the standing out by being appropriately fashionable. I'm not going to wear an evening gown or a mini skirt and stilettos while grocery shopping, but I'm generally going to dress in a less casual way. It's what makes me feel good about myself and I'm comfortable in a dress or skirt and high heels. Ultimately, how we dress is all about personal taste and comfort, so wear what makes you happy.

  7. How do you blend if you're six feet tall and 200 pounds? That's coupled with my upbringing and what I saw around me in my formative years. There was one (and only one) woman who wore pants. She was shunned. The other women talked about her choosing not to wear a dress. Women wore dresses to do "housework" or go out to parties, and anything in-between. When I have the need to express myself it is only dresses, hosiery and heels. I see many women stopping at Target or a grocery store, before and after going to work. My comfort zone does not extend to indoor activities. I love an evening stroll, carrying a tote from the local grocery store; a woman returning home in dress and heels after a long day at the office.