Monday, September 28, 2020

Old crossdressers never die, they just fade away

Over the years, I have made friends and acquaintances with hundreds, if not thousands of trans people. Although I knew them by their trans names, I've known the birth certificate names of maybe 50 or 60.

And that’s only because I was privy to their names (and addresses) when I produced and mailed my support group’s newsletter or because they are trans radio hams and I know their government-issued call signs (which I can look up online). Take that away and I would probably know 10 or 12 by their birth certificate names (and you are probably in the same boat I am).

When one dies, you can bet the farm that their obituary will not mention their trans name or mention that they were a member of a trans support group. And unless you know their birth certificate name, you will never know that they died. As far as you know, they just stopped attending support group meetings, stopped exchanging emails with their trans friends or stopped posting to their blog and they just fade away.

Sometimes the spouse of a deceased trans person will contact a trans friend of the deceased to pass along the bad news. But in the majority of cases, spouses have no idea who or how to make that contact or could be bothered less.

It is so sad when our trans friends fade away like that. Their trans identities were probably as important or more important to them than their birth certificate identities, yet their preferred identities disappear without any acknowledgment (and often with a sigh of relief by embarrassed family members). Very sad.

And so it goes. 

Source: Venus
Wearing Venus

Womanless beauty pageant contestant, Elizabeth City, North Carolina, 2016
Womanless beauty pageant contestant, Elizabeth City, North Carolina, 2016


  1. This is why I'm concerned when Stana doesn't post or comment on the blog, The 1st thing I think, is she ok? is she ill? Or god forbid the worst has happened? Stana dear, do you have a contingency plan for that? Something to consider maybe, but most of the time it's due to lack of material to post I guess.

  2. Back when I first started to cruise the net, I did did a search for "pirate chest", and stumbled upon a picture of a woman sitting on a pirate chest. Whoa!, says I - is this really a woman? (This was when I still thought people like me were rare). I clicked the picture,and wound up at Helen Millen's Flickr page. It was a revelation - openly a cross-dresser, out and about with a large number of others. She posted new pictures often over the next few years, then posted less, then stopped altogether. After a couple weeks somebody posted to her page that she had passed away from an undefined medical condition. Linda

  3. Michelle HoustonSeptember 28, 2020

    "And so it goes." Good one!

    It is a terrible, sobering experience when you do have the 'real name' of a confidential friend of our persuasion, and you attempt to do a search of the name and catch up when unfortunately, the first hit on the search engine, is the poor mans obituary :-(

  5. Here's what I did. Assume you have a friend or two online that you DO know their legal names, and they know yours. Get a conservative email address from them (not a reliable friend, one close to you, "You know I have friends I speak to online, all over, right? Can I ask you a little favor? If I give you 1 or 2 addresses, when I die, could you email them and just tell them I have passed away? My family will be kind of busy making arrangements. "

  6. I was fortunate that the wife of my friend, whom I only knew as Penny, contacted me after her death.

  7. Deep subject matter, and it now has me thinking about making arrangements (I like Fiona's advice) Thank you for bringing it up, Stana.
    I must also say I adore the Venus dress highlighted here, and I think that this Femulator is NOT a civilian, judging by the eyebrows.

  8. I agree Stana. Yours numbers are about the same as mine. I have been fortunate to be able to attend a transgender wedding (both M-F)about 4 years ago, and the funeral of an out crossdressing gay man (who died of AIDS) about 23 years ago. One happy event, one sad.
    Angel Amore

  9. Sobering thoughts indeed. Such as it is given the secrecy of many people who are like us.

    To a minor extent there are those who you lose contact with as they device not to attend social events, post online, or otherwise.

    There's also the loss of a community, online or otherwise, when the key organisers pass away or cannot maintain thoughts on their own.

  10. I’m afraid that will be me; just fade away.
    Not even a statistic. Sad.

  11. First...I just love that picture of the pallbearers!
    I've made some provisions for my own demise. I have many email friends because I have travelled extensively during my life and several of them know my male identity. I have left instructions to my family to let them know when I shuffle off this mortal coil and I know that they will then pass the word to those who know me only as Joanne.