Tuesday, September 29, 2015

How could she not know?

Today is my deceased mother's birthday and I have been thinking about our relationship over the years. And it embarrasses me to think that I thought I successfully hid being transgender from her.

How could she not know?

She saw me crossdressed for Halloween not once, but on three or four occasions.

She saw me act like a girl rather than a boy on many occasions.

Crossdressing with her wardrobe, I tore some things and stretched out other things. I borrowed a few items that she would have discovered were missing for weeks.

There were other clues, but she never said a word to me about it.

Maybe she was confused as much as I was. After all, it was not the "Call Me Caitlyn" era. Rather, it was the mid-20th Century, when crossdressing was still a big unknown. 

One time in her later years, she slipped and said something that indicated that she knew about my stash of female finery that I kept hidden (or so I thought) when I still lived at home. 

Also in her later years, she would often ask, "Is there anything you want to tell me?" which I assume was her attempt to give me an opportunity to talk about it.

Maybe she became more informed in her later years and was open to accepting me as transgender as long as I was comfortable coming out to her. But to tell you the truth, I did not realize that was what she was trying to do until years after she had died.  

Sometimes, I can be so obtuse!

Coming out to her might have made it easier to come out to everyone else. And sooner rather than later.

Too late for that. But it's never too late to say, "I love you, Mom!"

Source: HauteLook
Wearing Go Couture.


  1. Dear Stana,

    It is curious, my story with my mom was very similar to yours, when I lived in the house of my parents. There were always hints by my mom to tell him about my femininity, but I never told directly. My story is different from yours when I turned 40, my mom asked me directly if I was happy with my femininity, hence a very long talk that lasted all nigth. My mom died two years ago, and the last 10 years she accompanied me on my walks in fem. I must also tell you that the 26th of this month was the birthday of my mother, she was born on September 26, 1924.
    Happy Birthday to our moms!

  2. Lovely thoughts. While the words might never had been exchanged, a mother simply knows her child. I bet she couldn't have possibly loved you any more... as her son or daughter.

  3. With transgender women of our age I find our narratives interest often. My mother also saw the clues, many the same as the ones you describe. My mother feared that I was gay, I could tell by some of the conversations I heard while listening at the top of the stairs at night. Transgender has not yet entered the lexicon and most just branded us faggot and queer. So she was just as confused as I was, that's what I beleived. She wanted the best for in the context of the social order of the day.

  4. I started to write a comment here but after a while I realised it was getting a little too long for just a comment and that this subject meant more to me than I first realised concerning my own Mother. It was releasing a situation that I have been suppressing for over 10 years.
    I decided I need to post the results on my own blog (http://abigalesairings.blogspot.de/2015/10/observation-did-my-mother-know.html).
    Thanks for bringing up the subject Stana, there are lots of things that one can regret about; this is a hard one in that we will never really get over it.
    We just can’t turn the clock back.

  5. Not to be a jerk, but this isn't actually a femulator:


    1. Thank you for the heads-up, Emory.

  6. Just to say i have a feminine side wear earrings like pink. Also wear granny knickers. Panty girdles and panty corseletts. Also like school knickers which I have a few pairs

  7. AnonymousJune 30, 2023

    My mom dressed me in my sisters clothes until I started to school at age 6. I remember wearing dresses when I was 4-5 years old. I remember going places in them. That was around 1960-61. When I started to school it stopped. I wish she had pushed me farther. I guess it was a little taboo back then unlike today. She did still buy panties for me and had me wear my sisters shorts. Looking back I should have asked her to let me wear dresses at least sometimes. I now think she would have easily allowed it.

    1. Similar experience. She let me wear her satin nighties when we folded clothes together as a kid, and I took to them quickly. After years of silence on the matter in between, she accepted it easily with a chuckle when I confessed to her as a teenager that I'd been sleeping in them for years. "Yes, I know, dear."