Wednesday, January 4, 2023

A Woman in Pants

On Monday, Hannah, one of my favorite bloggers, wrote, “When we are en femme, I believe we become a different person.”

In response, I say, “It depends.”

There are femulators, who for legitimate reasons compartmentalize their male life and their female life. So much so that when they are en femme, they do become a different person. I propose that this is probably the case with most femulators.

Then there are femulators like me. 

As I have written here in the past, I am a feminine guy... always was. However, for the first half of my life, I did not know it and was confused by the abuse I received from my peers for being so. Boys called me names like “sissy,” “fairy,” “faggot,” etc.

This was not just a case of bullies using random offensive names to raise my ire. Even a few of my friends told me that I was not acting like a boy at a 100% level and that I should do something about it.

I wondered if there was something in my mannerisms or speech that caused their reaction. I was not intentionally acting or speaking in an affected manner. Rather, I was speaking and acting in my natural manner, which I did not feel was feminine.

The fact that even friends told me that something was amiss indicated that something really was amiss, but I was clueless. I had no idea what I had to do differently to be more boy-like. So, I continued acting the same way I always acted and if someone called me a name, I’d hit them with my purse.

However, as I became more involved with crossdressing, I finally realized that I was indeed feminine and that crossdressing was a perfect fit for my feminine personality. 

This was not just self-deception. 

I will never forget a friend of mine at a Halloween party telling me that he never realized how feminine my speaking and mannerisms were until he saw me dressed as a woman. He indicated that my female costume was a perfect fit for my normal mannerisms and speech.

After mentioning this story at outreach one time, one of the students confirmed that my mannerisms were feminine and that my friends and acquaintances had been right on the mark in their estimation of me. That I was a woman in pants, a girl in boy’s clothing. And when I crossdressed, I did not become a different person; rather I adjusted my wardrobe to conform with my feminine self.

Brown Eyed Girls
South Korean singing group Brown Eyed Girls created this video for their song “Wonder Woman.” The video is gender role reversal personified with boys dressed as brides and women dressed as grooms. You can view the video on YouTube.


  1. RE: Brown Eyed Girls video
    And that's my complaint. The "brides" are all super glam, over the top make up, VERY feminine in appearance. And the women who are dressed as grooms -- they have on as much (or more) make up as the brides. Their tuxedos are all form fitting - not making ANY attempt to appear masculine.
    OK, I'll get off my soap box now.

  2. Paul GaikowskiJanuary 04, 2023

    One only has to watch the video of you at Hamvention to see that you are naturally inclined as a woman. Your body language and movement is cisgender female, very subtle but unmistakably female. Also you voice not a high falsetto but a natural sounding female voice with a feminine cadence

    1. You can view the Hamvention video here on YouTube. My appearance starts at the 6:39 mark and last about 2-1/2 minutes.

  3. When I was younger, I had feminine attributes and emotions that I kept hidden to not be be bullied our found out. I repressed a lot because I wanted to be "normal." I siloed off my emotions.

    In my late 40's when I stopped the denials and let me feminine side out I did not really become another person. When I dress feminine I am not another person but the same person. Basically, I liken it to mini-blinds. When I dress I just turn those mini-blinds and open them and let my inner-self shine through. It is my true personality with nothing hidden or held back.

  4. "This was not just a case of bullies using random offensive names..."

    Of people who do compartmentalise, I wonder if they've arrived at that in order to survive?

    Depending on where you're born, who you're born to, and indeed when; I think that will change the level of safety you have around expressing who you are.

  5. I suspect there is much here to mull over. I agree that, for me, I found myself when I realised I was trans - that is, I did not become a different person, I became more myself. I had spent so long battling my personality and shutting down that which I feared was "not masculine enough" for fear of ridicule, for fear of finding out what I always suspected but lacked the vocabulary to express or describe. I cannot, in good conscience, describe anything I do now as being feminine beyond saying that I am becoming more the me I tried to destroy. I am even less certain now than I was at age 16 what constitutes masculine or feminine behaviour. But I am certain I am behaving more like I always should have been now than I have in the past.

    All of which is to say: yes. I adapted my clothing to fit who I am more than vice versa.

  6. We are who we are. I haven't been harassed for being feminine, but I've had a few female friends comment on my "strong feminine side". I attribute lots of that to choosing my mother as a role model rather than my father (adjectives left off, but there are plenty). And the feeling I have when I'm Mikki is one of feeling "complete". So maybe it's not completely just a choice.

    I had a friend and co-worker who had feminine characteristics, like Hannah and our Stana. It turned out he was a crossdresser -- and incredibly passable -- but, like Hannah, was just being who he always had been. He told me his big personal awakening came when a family member bought a movie camera and then started recording pretty much everything he saw. Also like Hannah and Stana, my friend had been teased, bullied and criticized for being "girly", "faggy". When he watched some of the films he noticed himself appearing different when he was with other men and fitting right in when with women. Uh, oh. He asked to borrow a bunch of the films and discovered his movements were very feminine -- not just a little, 'very' was the right word.

    I can attest to his story because I met both "him" and "her" under different circumstances on a series of business trips to Los Angeles when I was with SDS. He was factory support for a group of software products I was having trouble with and I dealt directly with him both over the phone and face-to-face. I guess he was a bit feminine, but so what? I don't make personal judgments about people when I meet them. Whenever I visited Los Angeles I went to The Queen Mary, the famous club with a female impersonation show and a big back bar that was a gathering place for CD/TG ladies from across the LA basin. Once I'd seen the show a couple of times I spent most of my time in the back bar. I was talking to a very attractive lady one evening for a while when she asked, "You don't recognize me, do you"? It was my SDS product support guy! Holy shit! I know my chin hit the floor. Over the rest of the years I was with SDS I remained friends with both him and her -- and "their" wife. The stories I was told parallel both Hannah's and Stana's. We are who we are, and we're just not right until we accept ourselves and accept "who we are", and act on it. I've found that acceptance with the dressing I do and it seems so has Hannah with her lifestyle.

  7. This very much goes to show how different we all are, there is no single route to gender fulfilment. Until I started to come out I don't think anyone was aware of my feminine side ~ certainly not my fundamental female nature.

  8. Having met Stana in person, I cannot understand how she may perceive herself other than feminine. The Dayton video nails it and her voice along with her mannerisms is is so so natural that for her there is no effort to pass. She passes or is a woman as its in her DNA. Now, for me, OMG I can come across passable with effort but also can fail at passing. I have to think think think in my actions to present more femme and less like a rodeo cowboy walking in heels at the mall. I always figured that when she takes off her UCONN sweats after changing the oil in her Subaru and throws a skirt and heels to go get a few grocery items that her whole persona does not change. She is who she is. For me I know I am just a TV/CD that loves being femme at times and I accept it. However, the confidence and how to be better at it I get from this blog and others is the inspiration to be my best when enfemme. Hugs, Brenda

    1. Thank you for the kind words, Brenda. In case anyone missed it, they can view the Hamvention video here on YouTube. My appearance starts at the 6:39 mark and last about 2-1/2 minutes.