Wednesday, April 4, 2018

You should have been a girl

"You should have been a girl!" is a statement my mother made to me a number of times while I was growing up. Usually, she made it after complementing my shapely girlish legs. On other occasions, when she mentioned that I walked like a girl (on my tip toes).

To compound my gender confusion, whenever she took my sister and I out on her weekly shopping trips, she insisted that I use the ladies' room when nature called. I don't recall if I stood or sat to pee, but I used the ladies' room until I was 10 or 11 years old.

Then there was my introduction to makeup.

I was probably between the ages of 6 and 9 and for a day or two, I got the notion that I wanted to be a circus clown when grew up. I remember I was home alone with my mother and I covered my face with my mother's cold cream to simulate a clown's white face. What a mess!

I showed my handiwork to my mother and she volunteered to do a better job. She removed the cold cream and started anew applying various cosmetics to my face.

When she was done, I looked in the mirror and was shocked. Instead of looking like a clown, I looked like a girl. I still remember the bright red lipstick on my lips.

In retrospect, I am not sure if she realized what I was trying to do. I do not recall if I was clear about trying to be a clown. She may have thought I was trying to be a girl and acted accordingly.

I suspect that later, when I began exploring femininity, she would have been very willing to assist me, but I never asked for her help or revealed my desires even when she prompted me with, "Is there anything you want to tell me?"

In retrospect, I realize she knew (mothers always know) after finding my hidden stash of girly things and learning about my Halloween excursions en femme, but I was too closeted to tell her the truth that I really was a girl.




Wearing OPM Boutique
Wearing OPM Boutique




Steve Coogan
Steve Coogan femulates on British television in Pauline Calf's Wedding Video.

13 comments:

  1. I wish you could have shared this part of you with your mom. She probably had an inkling of what you are, and hoped it could come out.

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  2. Hi Stana, I am 48 years old and have been exploring and embracing the woman in me for the last 2 years. She has always been there, just hidden until the urge was too much to bear. My mom has known of these struggles for the last 18 months or so, but never took the opportunity to meet Allie. This Valentines day, I invited my mom over for coffee (I work from home) to meet Allie and she took me up on the opportunity. It was amazing and we have since been shopping and gone out to lunch, my mom has even bought me clothes and provided me tips and insights. I feel closer to my mom now than ever before. My wife and I have had our ups and downs for the past 2 years, but I believe those struggles are behind us now. I am a truly blessed girl.

    I take it from your comments that you mom may no longer be around. I also take it from your comments that she would have approved and loved you no matter what. We are both truly blessed.

    Cheers Stana,
    Allie

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  3. Mothers know best. They sense things and by and large do what they think is best for their children. Back in those days the amount of information available was very limited. I think that most approached things with a 'head in the sand' attitude thinking that if something is ignored that it will work out how it will work out.
    Even today, with all of the internet at our fingertips, you have to take the initiative to educate yourself. Sometimes things are just easier if ignored.
    Pat

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  4. A former manager of mine had a magnet on her door that read something like "I plan to be an old lady with no regrets." I think many of your readers (and you) have regrets, and they all relate to being trans.

    And I used to get the "you should have been a girl" due to my blue eyes and long lashes. Alas, only the blue remains. At least they haven't faded like my hair!

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  5. When I was in my mid-teens my parents found my collection of women's clothing in my room. I denied they were mine, and the subject was never raised again. I wish I had been honest, but times were different them.
    I'm now in my mid 40s and once again I have a large collection of women's clothing,but have yet to pluck up courage to step outside en femme. Maybe things would have been different if I had been honest all those years ago
    Carolyn

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  6. I used to walk on my toes, as well. I was constantly admonished for it by my mother, just as I was for my rather girlish giggle. When my "stash" was discovered, my butt was beaten black and blue with a stick. My earliest memory was when, at about age 5, I gave in to the allure of my mother's makeup and earrings, and I came out of her bedroom to proudly show her my "new look." I can still feel the harshness of the wash cloth she used to scrub the lipstick off my face when I think about it. To her, I was a failure as a son, but she wasn't interested in me being successful as a daughter, either. She never said so, anyway, but then, we never discussed the subject - all the way until the end of her life ten years ago. I don't blame her for any of what happened, but I do blame myself for being left with the regret of not initiating the conversation myself.

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  7. I was curious about the source and attribution to the 'Mother/'daughter' photo in todays blog.

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    Replies
    1. It is from the 2004 film "The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things."

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  8. In high school I tried to tell my sister that I would like to borrow my clothes, but she reacted so negatively that I had to pretend that she misunderstood. Ironically, she grew up to be a very understanding woman who would have totally helped me out.

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  9. Oh, If I had a nickel for every time I heard “you should have been a girl”! I was blessed with naturally long lush eyelashes. Women swooned over them. Then in third grade (1974) I decided to grow my hair long. Now women actually thought I WAS a girl. Sometimes I wonder if I could have gotten away with appearing in public in those days wearing a sweet little floral print sundress with flounced hem and a ruffled bodice. All the ladies would have thought I was such a pretty feminine girl...I know I would have gotten plenty of compliments and social rewards for dressing in traditionally graceful delicate feminine clothes.

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  10. when I was 12 I was caught by my Aunt, and mother in her clothes, They proceeded to ridicule me for days with terms like sissy etc.I felt different as far back as 6 years old but they had managed to send the message that what I may have wanted or felt was not to be accepted. This led to a life of hiding and sneaking around as a closeted transexual.After the death of my wife through the help of a grief councileir I began seeing a psycologist who deals with gender issues, 4 years later I have been on Hormone therapy for 2 years and living full time as a female for 17 months and am now exploring gender confirmation surgery providing some medical issues can be over come.Yes I should have been a girl, and I may get there yet but the last 17 months have taught me that you can become comfortable in your own skin.

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  11. Stana

    My mother used to say the same thing and I always felt my "legs" were my best asset. I had many memorable moments trying on my mothers friends stilleto shoes when they came over to visit. I vividly recall one of them wore stockings with a reinforced heel and I became obsessed at one point with trying to get a pair for myself. Once we visited her and I snuck down into the basement and sure enough found a pair hanging and stole them. In those days their shoes were italian leather. Women always dressed with style and purpose. Sad how us gurls dress better than most slobs shOpping at Target. I was out dressed and took a super bold chance to just use powder instead of powder and a cream foundation and seemed to pass ok without much notice. I am just a middle aged secretary trying to get some shopping done on the way home from work attitude seems to work ok but I am always weary of being called out in public but hey I dress in the same style as yourself. I wonder if my mothers comments of maybe wishing I was girl shaped my desires today?

    But I still hope to pull off the 70s Sophia Loren style one day. I love the white blouse, pencil skirt, black hosiery, stilletoes and a nice trench coat. Of course some leopard print in the scarf.

    I do notice that the chunkier heel is more comfortable and functional. I would love to see a post on makeup tips. I really did not go out and about until I got a makeover done by a TS make up artist and showed me the joy of stick on nails. Some Tender Peach foundation and mascara and I was presentable and out in public. I urge many to make the jump at night or even in colder weather to be accustomed to being out. It really was/is a wonderful experience and if you dress appropriately you will generally be unnoticed. Dressing up with thigh high boots and Slutty clothes will make you noticed. Dress like Stana-Style and you will be fine. I dress similar to you and my wig turns out to be better suited to myself and is similar. Just a middle aged divorcee out running errands and having confidence and
    Purpose in your step really makes a big difference. I walk and act like I am a woman that has things to do and I think it makes me more passable where at first I was skittish (rightfully so) and super paranoid. Sure I pumped gas, did ATM, mailed letters, a quick stroll through the mall to test my passability and even got read several times but not to a point I felt unsafe. Best time for mall visits is of course mid morning as there is less traffic. I am sure if someone took an interest in me they may notice I am a man but if you blend in you become somewhat invisible to peoples radar.

    Hugs
    Brenda

    You could see a movie en femme during less busy times as well

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  12. In visiting this Catholic church in Littleton MA., I was struck by their philosophy on the front page of their weekly Bulletin:No matter what your present status is in the Cathol
    ic Church,
    No matter your current family or marital situation,
    No matter your personal history, age, income, backg
    round, gender, race, ethnicity, or spirituality,
    No matter your own self-image of holiness or virtue
    You belong to Jesus Christ and you belong to us!
    You are invited, accepted, and respected here at St
    . Anne and St. Catherine collaborative.
    We want to share our Roman Catholic way of faith an
    d life in Christ with you!

    ReplyDelete