Thursday, June 1, 2023

What Took So Long?

Most of my life, I knew I was trans-something. In fact, I was trans-something even before I knew all the trans terminology (transvestite, transgender, transsexual, etc.).  In fact, I was trans-something before the word “transgender” was created (yes, I am old).

And for a long time, I professed that I was a “plain-vanilla crossdresser,” that is, someone who crossdressed for the joy the of wearing women’s fashions... not someone who crossdressed because they identified as a woman.

Heaven forbid! That wasn't me. I wasn't one of those people!

Despite a lot of evidence to the contrary, I was afraid to make the great leap that I was a woman. That would be a big leap and would rock the foundation of my existence.

In retrospect, I would have probably felt pretty pretty good if I had made that leap way back then, but I worried about what they would think! I always worried about what they would think and I led my life to please them, not me. So I denied all the evidence and stuck to my “plain-vanilla crossdresser” story.

About 15 years ago, after months of counseling, a life coach finally helped me to make that leap. Instead of denying all the evidence, I embraced it and accepted the fact that I was a woman.

Afterall, it all made sense. The feminine speech and mannerisms. The preference for girl things rather than boy things. The gynecomastia caused by an over-abundance of female hormones and/or lack of male hormones. An over-abundance of female hormones.

And I was proud to be a woman, not ashamed of it. I began coming out to my friends and colleagues and I began living authentically whenever the opportunity presented itself.

And it didn't hurt a bit!

Source: Ann Taylor
Wearing Ann Taylor

Angela, out and about again


  1. Congrats Stana on a heartfelt post.
    We are in the same age group of early 70's but our stories somewhat diverge.
    For me as with you, attraction to female attire was strong from an early age. So I remained a lifelong crossdresser who has probably spent tens of thousands on my hobby. My second and very much longest wife was very accepting of me being bi-gendered.

    Umm, for about 15 minutes in the early '90's, after discovering a TG community of likeminded souls, I considered complete transitioning over time. And after the 15 minutes the euphoria dissipated and I realized transitioning was not for me.

    Currently I underdress every day. I have a beard most of the time and only shave when I go out in public. I wear female clothes in the evenings and sleep in sensuous nightgowns. I wear women's bathing suits while sunbathing on the deck.

    I also inject myself with testosterone once a week under a doctors care and go to the gym 3-4 times per week to lift weights. Why? Preference I guess. So , I like being and presenting in public as a male. I like my penis and what it does. I am attracted to females.

    I am happy were I am at. I can visualize myself in my mind as a female at any time. That time is usually (but not always) fantasy time that ends in sexual release.
    I could go on but this is a family rated blog so I won't.
    Anyway Stana, thanks for all you do for the community. Your work is an adder to the quality of my life.
    The Polish Sisterhood Rules
    Angel Amore

  2. AnonymousJune 01, 2023

    Yes back in the day the term transgender did not exist we were all just faggots or queers, and that meant a life of social ostracization and rejection by family and professional society

    But still we had this feeling inside of us we wanted or felt like women we began to dress like women in secret we fantasized about living as women about having female bodies all this well we tried to carve out a life for ourselves in a society that would not accept that

    For years I found safety and the term cross dresser, support groups in the 60s and 70s often limited membership to cross dressers only and heterosexual cross-dressers at that, it was their way of enforcing that safe self denial

    I myself struggled with identity and sexuality after all I thought women were beautiful I love spending time with them even hugging and kissing, but however my attraction to women was different than other male peers the idea of being with a man was not attractive however the idea of being a married woman was very appealing this sounds like contradiction and I have to agree it is that’s what made being so difficult as I move through my life

    Coming out years ago would have meant a limited amount of opportunities there wasn’t medical transition available psychologist tried to fix usthere Just wasn’t support

    So we did our best to fit in, years ago in 2009 I started therapy and like you Stana I was able to accept the fact that deep down inside I am a woman thanks for posting this and thanks for letting me share my narrative. Paula G

  3. AnonymousJune 01, 2023

    Wow. Angela is pretty. Her hair, her clothes, her jewelry, her makeup, herself -- all pretty.

  4. We must all make our journey on our own. No one can tell us "You need to go down THIS road" or "No, you're in denial about who you REALLY are" or "If you're not headed for full transition then you're not being TRUE to yourself".

    This is a question that I have struggled with for a few years. And the more I dress, the more I go out, the more I open up Julie to friends and family, the more I realize what I am. I am a crossdresser -- nothing more, nothing less.

    What really burns my bisquets is when "sisters" start giving me the "not being true to yourself" party line. Within the community I get ostracized and talked down to - they don't try to get to know me, they just try to impose THEIR idea of what I should be.

    Sorry - you hit a nerve with this post. I am thrilled and delighted for anyone who knows who they are, why can't "those people" be thrilled and delighted for me?

    1. Julie, I came to the same conclusion years ago, the disdain from those who went full time was insulting. Now all my T friends are on or about the same level as I am—part time but with definite trans indicators. My “normie” friends are happy to spend time with me whichever way I look (although I know they prefer the glamorous version!)

    2. AnonymousJune 02, 2023

      I first saw this problem a few years ago here in the UK
      Full timers looking down on part timers
      Only you can decide what is best for you
      Do not under any circumstances let any one push you into going any further than you feel happy with
      You can always change your mind later if you want to

    3. We're all unique people. We have lots in common but there are some special aspects of our being that are different from everyone else. I couldn't really tell you why I was attracted to my mother's soft and sweet smelling intimates, I just was. I'd slip them on while listening to my grandmother's snoring while she was "listening" to the soaps (her "stories") on the radio. When she woke up I went out and played baseball or football with the neighborhood kids, girls included.

      I quickly outgrew Mom's clothes and got my dressing "fix" vicariously through publications and especially my seeing The Jewel Box Revue when I was 13! I know I fell in love with LaVerne Cummings. It wasn't until I got to college that I was compelled to buy some women's clothes and hid them in a cubbyhole in my house.

      You get the drift. My persona stayed male, but I never shook my need to either dress or be near some image or example of dressing. The older I got, the more I wanted -- no, needed -- to dress. After my second divorce I started buying women's clothes in earnest. That was hit-or-miss, and then I discovered the JC Penney Outlet store. That's where they sold returns, non-sellers and overages from their catalog operation. Yes, the place we shopped to get large sizes! There was one in Baltimore where I could see clothes that should fit. Then a saleslady suggested, "Just try them on. Shop in the middle of the day when the dressing rooms are empty". Another step forward.

      But Mike was still there, and I was getting sheer joy from my dancing, and I wouldn't give that up for anything. I was a much in demand lead for Cajun, Zydeco and Swing dancing. I loved it. Then I'd go home and slip into a nightie and go to sleep. When a podiatrist did my foot in, I replaced my dancing with being an active usher and docent in local theaters. I also joined some CD/TG groups where I dressed regularly -- and still do.

      I look at my life as a sort of a gumbo. There are the basic ingredients, and then I "season to taste". .You know how that works, you put a bit of this and a little of that until it tastes the way you like it. In my recipe I'm a basic male who needs plenty of spicing up. There are my old friends from dancing and my current ones from theater. My kids and grandkids get into the mix. And them there is Mikki, an ingredient I've learned over the years that's critical to my "gumbo". Over the years I've found things are better when I add more "Mikki" to my unique mix, even to the extent that if people actually paid attention they'd see, "He's wearing a woman's top and sandals". But either they don't notice or choose to ignore it. And here I am, a "Mike" with a very strong "Mikki" inhabiting him. Do I know why? The answer is still, "Nope". But I do know my "gumbo" is perfectly seasoned to my satisfaction. How's your gumbo?

  5. Stana, thanks for posting this to start out Pride month. I cross-dressed for decades since puberty in the 80's. But I was in denial all of those years in confronting what it meant. I was afraid of confronting the "whys." I actually only accepted myself as a crossdresser in 2020. But in stopping the denials and further reading and introspection over the last few years it lead me to understanding that I was really transgender. Making that leap was a big one. Not something that could happen over night to accept this reality. Once I did though, a level of peace came over me. And then I looked back on my life and all of my little quirks started to make sense.

  6. Kudos on your bravery!
    Your life story is very inspirational.
    P.S.: You look very pretty and fashionable.

  7. AnonymousJune 01, 2023

    Angela, out and about again ,she is very attractive , is she a T-girl ?

    1. I consider myself more of a tea girl but thank you for the compliment!

    2. With all due respect to you and your image as a woman, you are writing lies because you will never be a woman. You were born a man and you will die a man. Some badly maimed by the surgeons, but still as men, at best pretending to be women. So far, technology cannot do such a miracle. Just because someone invented words and concepts about "gender change" doesn't mean it's possible. Of course, in my opinion, there is nothing wrong with pretending to be a woman, and I see no reason for stigmatization. Everyone has the right to live their life as long as it does not harm others.

  8. AnonymousJune 03, 2023

    Ms. Stana: I'm glad to see that you worked out your believe that this is the best advise/column that you have published to date. I honor the memories of my mother and her two girlfriends by wearing feminine foundational clothing both underneath as long as

  9. Great post, Stana! Good luck on your journey to womanhood. Hugs and kisses, Monika.