Sunday, May 10, 2009

mother of femulation

My mother died nearly three years ago.

My father was a hard worker. He earned the money for our family, working overtime whenever he could, and sometimes working two jobs. He was not a big presence in our family because he was at work a lot of the time.

As a result, my mother ran the show in our family; she handled the family finances and raised and disciplined my sister and I. She was a tough, but fair disciplinarian and she loved her children, especially me, who she favored. Also, she was a very beautiful woman.

My mother was the parent I looked up to because she was the parent that was around. I did not know it at the time, but she was my role model.

I was a creative kid and my mother encouraged my creative side. I loved sports, especially baseball, but I was not very good at it (I could hit the ball a mile, but I threw like a girl). So early on, I knew where my strengths laid. I spent a lot of time writing and drawing and my mother supported and encouraged me. Eventually, I became a successful professional writer with a lot of thanks going to my mother.

I looked like my mother's side of the family and inherited many of her features like her long legs and her facial features. When I do my makeup just so, I look a lot like her; people would mistake us for mother and daughter, i.e., if she was alive and I dressed en femme in her presence.

I did not think that my mother knew about my crossdressing, because she never broached the subject despite the fact that I often got into her stuff and even ruined some items that I found out the hard way, were too small for me. I was very much in the closet then and I was just as happy that she did not know. But. she knew.

As newlyweds, my wife and I crossdressed for a Halloween party and when I mentioned our party plans to my mother over the phone, she asked if I had taken my box of "stuff" with me when I moved out.

I don't recall my response, but at that moment, I knew she knew. She never mentioned it again and neither did I.

Howwever, once in awhile right up to her death, she would say to me, "Is there anything you want to tell me?"

I always thought she was referring to my crossdressing when she asked and I always said, "No."

In retrospect, I wish I had confided in my mother about me becoming a woman. She was so loving and so supportive that I think she would have helped me. (She was a great seamstress by the way and I can only dream about the outfits she might have sewn for her male daughter.) But, I did not confide in her and I regret it now.

But, if there is a heaven, I am sure my mother smiles down at me when she sees her firstborn dressed en femme enjoying her time as a woman.

So, Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

Your Loving Daughter,

Staci Lana

(The accompanying studio photograph is one I found somewhere on the Internet depicting a son and mother in the late 19th or early 20th Century. Click on it to enlarge the photo of the mother and her male daughter.)


  1. The only question my mother asked was whether I was gay or not, not so easy to answer when you are a lesbian trapped in a male body and seem quite effeminate. I said no because I reckoned I knew what she meant and waited for the rest of the conversation with a mixture of dread and excitement. She just turned and left happy that the fear which had haunted her for nearly twenty years was not true. We never got close enough ever again.

    Mothers! not as caring as you might think.


  2. AnonymousMay 10, 2009

    Oh Staci, you had me laughing with "is there anything you want to tell me". Often, when I was older, my mother, when she had me alone, would ask me "how's everything" with a look that meant only one thing. She had over the course of my youth caught me several times sharing her clothes. She even took me around to doctors at a very young age trying figure out what is going on here. Have no clue as to what she was told, little was known back in the mid 60's. My mom passed back in 2001.

    If I may, Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

    Your loving daughter,


    Thankyou Staci.

  3. I've never had "the talk" with my mother. I catch hints that my whacky Southern family still thinks my wife doesn't know and that my activities would be blackmail fodder.

    (Mrs. Roscoe knew before we got married, and, a couple of years ago, I was more or less outed in court as part of opposing counsel's tactics in a civil case. My family attempting blackmail at this point would be funny ... and sad.)

  4. AnonymousMay 11, 2009


    A very touching post, thank you.

    If I tell anyone else (my wife knows) and I may have to if I want ot go full time, it will be my mother.

    I don't think she knows but does know I have been unhappy for a very long time and that it has got worse.

    My SO has been great I even reeived a Mother's Day present...clothes...female clothes!