BFF

In the past, I rarely remembered my dreams or even recalled having them at all. But since I began taking medication for Parkinson’s disease, that has changed. Now I remember having two or three dreams each night and I can often recall parts of them in the morning.

Which brings me to a dream I had overnight on Wednesday.

In the dream, I ran into my old grammar school best friend, Billy—someone I had long suspected might have shared my “hobby.” I asked him if he still did. He said yes and then added that he now had a boyfriend!

And then I woke up.

Billy and I were inseparable throughout grammar school. I don’t remember exactly how we became friends, but we had a lot in common, which likely drew us together. We were both Polish (a rarity in our neighborhood), both attended the same Polish parish, and both were artists—outsiders to the school’s “in crowd.” We were also fascinated by the opposite sex: we had our crushes, but we were equally intimidated by them and never acted on those feelings, at least not back then.

Around puberty, probably seventh or eighth grade, Billy hinted that we should dress as girls for Halloween. At the time, I knew something was going on with me gender-wise, but I didn’t have the language for it. The idea was undeniably appealing… but I was deep in denial. I told him I had no interest.

I don’t remember what I wore that Halloween, but I do remember going out with my usual trick-or-treat partner, my other best friend from across the street.

The next day at school, Billy told me that he had dressed as a girl and that he had even stopped by my house hoping I’d see him. He had never trick-or-treated at my house before, so clearly he made a special effort that night.

Around that same time, one of us (I have no idea which) decided we should adopt girl names. For several days, he called me “Susan,” and I called him by a girl name I can no longer recall.

As I mentioned, we were both artists. He excelled at painting; I focused on sketching. As an outlet for something I didn’t yet understand, I spent a lot of time drawing men in women’s clothing. I must have gone through reams of paper. One day, Billy mentioned he had been doing something similar. Another day, he showed me his sketches.

I acted uninterested. But the truth is, I was afraid.

I was already in uncharted waters trying to make sense of myself. I didn’t have the capacity or maybe the courage to face the possibility that my best friend might be navigating the same confusing terrain. So I pulled back. I think that was the beginning of the end of our friendship.

We spent less time together toward the end of grammar school, went off to different high schools and within a few years, we were completely out of each other’s lives.

Looking back, I think Billy was reaching out. He was probably just as confused as I was and maybe he believed we could figure things out together rather than alone.

If so, he was probably right. And I regret that I didn’t meet him halfway.

Over the years, I heard through a mutual friend that Billy got married and now lives a couple of towns away. Nothing was ever said about crossdressing and I never asked.

But I still think about him. I wonder if I imagined it all… or if he really was like me. I wonder what path he took and whether he ever made peace with it.

And I sometimes find myself hoping that, one day, we might run into each other again. Only this time, we’d pick up where we left off, not as boyhood friends, but as girlfriends.

And so it goes.

Wearing ModCloth

Frankie Avalon and Dwayne Hickman femulating in the 1965 film Ski Party.