Stuff 84: Pronouns

By J.J. Atwell

A Quagmire

Way back in Stuff #7, which Stana published almost two years ago on August 28, 2023, I wrote a bit about the use of pronouns when referring to ourselves and other CDs. (Click here if you are curious about what I wrote then.) Go ahead, I’ll spare you the grammar lesson this time. 

So why am I revisiting pronouns today? I’m finding it a bit of a quagmire. 

Why the Confusion?

When it comes to CDs the proper pronouns to use can be confusing. Underneath this feminine finery, I’m biologically male. I spend 99.9% of my time presenting as male. My usual pronouns are he/him/his. Does putting on a dress automatically change that to she/her/hers? 

When to Use Them

Women have grown up being referred to using feminine pronouns. For them, it’s an affront to be referred to in any other way. Similarly, men are referred to using male pronouns and it’s often considered an insult to use the female pronouns with them. But, yes, you knew there was a but coming – what about those who present more androgynous? 

Let’s consider what pronouns to use when you aren’t meeting in person. Say you are simply texting somebody – a person that you know in both male and female lives. Is it “he” when discussing typically male stuff? Whatever that might be? And is it “she” when talking about girly stuff? Do you switch back and forth during a conversation? 

To further complicate the issue, what do you do when talking to your SO about a M/F married couple you know from your CD life. Do you talk about the CD half of the couple as male or female? Do you use the CD’s guy name or girl name? And does your SO make that leap when you switch pronouns while still talking about the same person? I really have no answer for this. I tend to talk about the CD in guy terms mostly unless it’s specifically about his/her CD side. But the potential for confusion is still there.

I Asked ChatGPT

First let me say that I don’t use ChatGPT to write Stuff. What you read here is all my own thinking directly from my brain to my nimble fingers and onto the screen. In addition to being a CD, I’m somewhat into new technology. I have a “smart home”. I’ve been using PC’s (Apple products) since 1978, and I’m also a ham radio operator like Stana is. So I’m no stranger to the current trends in the tech fields. 

Until now, I avoided playing with artificial intelligence (AI), but on a whim I decided to give it a spin. One of my first attempts was to ask ChatGPT about what pronouns to use when addressing a crossdresser. The response was...

the respectful approach is to ask the person directly what pronouns they use. Crossdressing is about clothing and gender expression, not necessarily gender identity, so pronoun preferences can vary.

A Good Rule of Thumb

• If you know the person well or if the context allows, ask politely, “Hey, just to be respectful — what pronouns do you use?

• If they’re presenting as a particular gender, use the pronouns that match their presentation unless told otherwise. For example, if someone is presenting in a feminine way and hasn’t said otherwise, it’s respectful to use she/her.

Always follow their lead and if you slip up, just correct yourself and move on — that shows care and respect.

I actually think that’s a pretty good answer. I’d love to hear how you approach the issue. 

I’ll Be Back

Comments are welcome either here on the blog or by email to Jenn6nov at-sign gmail dot com. JJ is always looking for more stuff so let me know what you would like to read about.

Wearing Marina

RIP: Terrence Stamp of The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert fame died Sunday (age 87).