Tuesday, July 2, 2019

Don't you want to be part of the experience?

When I'm feeling down, feeling a little guilty about my trans-ness, or feeling a little depressed, I think about the following words from Woody Allen's film Hannah and Her Sisters.

One day, a month ago, I really hit bottom. I just felt that in a godless universe I didn't want to go on living.

I happen to own this rifle, which I loaded and pressed to my forehead.
I thought, "I'm gonna kill myself."

Then I thought, "What if I'm wrong? What if there is a God? Nobody really knows."

Then I thought, "No. Maybe is not good enough. I want certainty or nothing."

I remember clearly, the clock was ticking and I was sitting there frozen debating whether to shoot. All of a sudden, the gun went off. I was so tense I inadvertently squeezed the trigger. But I was perspiring so much the gun slid off my forehead and missed me.

Suddenly, neighbors were pounding on the door and the whole scene was just pandemonium. I ran to the door. I didn't know what to say. I was embarrassed and confused.

My mind was racing a mile a minute. I just knew one thing: I had to get out of that house. I had to get out in the fresh air and clear my head. And I remember, I walked the streets. I didn't know what was going through my mind. It all seemed so violent and unreal to me.

I wandered on the Upper West Side. It must have been hours. My feet hurt, my head was pounding. I went into a movie. Didn't know what was playing. I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts and be logical and put the world back into rational perspective.

I went up to the balcony and I sat down. The movie* was one I'd seen many times in my life since I was a kid, and I always loved it. I'm watching the screen and I started getting hooked on the film.

And I started to feel: "How can you think of killing yourself? Isn't it stupid? Look at all the people on-screen. They're funny, and what if the worst is true? There's no God, you only go around once, that's it. Don't you want to be part of the experience? It's not all a drag."

And I'm thinking, "I should stop ruining my life searching for answers and just enjoy it while it lasts."

And after, who knows? Maybe there is something.

I know "maybe" is a slim reed to hang your life on, but that's the best we have. And then I started to sit back and I actually began to enjoy myself.

* Duck Soup starring The Marx Brothers

Source: Boston Proper
Wearing Boston Proper.

Janek Traczyk femulates Lana Del Ray on Polish television's Twoja Twarz Brzmi Znajomo (Your Face Sounds Familiar).


  1. "Duck Soup" and Rufus T Firefly is the antidote to depression, sadness and general malaise. Woody Allen knew and shared that message brilliantly. Zorba said, "You need madness in your life (to survive)". Waylon Jennings sang, "I've always been crazy, it keeps me from going insane".I told my kids they didn't have to be as silly as me, but keeping a bit of it to access from time to time keeps us grounded.

    My only complaint about Woody Allen's monologue is about the "drag" part. Please change that word to "downer". Drag is one of those things that keep me grounded! That said, let something else end things for us. There's too much fun and too many adventures still out there and we should be open to it all. Take it all in, enjoy life to the fullest! Happy 4th of July.

  2. Powerful! Thanks for sharing!

  3. I feel depressed a lot of the time. especially lately but I don't think about suicide. One thing I want to say I have known many ghosts in my time. I have been visited by many passed relatives. Whatever form it takes I do not know but I know we do have something after. I just wouldn't want to go before I am called.