Notes from the Fitting Room

Let me begin with a fact: I am a large person at 6 feet tall and 185 pounds.

My height, more than my weight, kept me closeted for a very long time. But when I finally began exploring my female persona in public, I discovered that my size was not a deal breaker.

Using changing rooms en femme was easy. Using them en homme was just as easy. I’ve lost count of how many times I tried on womenswear at Fashion Bug, Dress Barn, Fashion to Figure, Torrid and Macy’s during my lunch hour, all while disguised as a male.

I can recall only one “negative” experience. Years ago, while shopping for a girdle en homme at JCPenney, I asked to try it on. The saleswoman insisted that I use the men’s changing room. It was hardly a big deal, but it’s the only changing-room experience I can recall that had even a hint of negativity.

My dearly departed local Dress Barn stores had changing rooms scattered around the perimeter of the sales floor, as well as a changing area in the back. During my first few visits en homme, the staff directed me to the rooms in the back.

As I became a regular customer and the sales staff learned both my male and en femme names, I was invited to use the changing rooms along the sales floor.

That was especially delightful when I was en femme. I could step out and admire whatever I was trying on in the full-length, three-way mirrors outside the changing rooms. Doing so also invited comments from the sales staff and even other customers.

The sales staff usually liked what I was wearing—although the prospect of making a sale might have had something to do with that. But when a stranger liked what I was wearing, it was a home run.

And home was where I went, new dress in hand.

And so it goes.

Wearing Boston Proper

Brian Jones

The future is female on daytime television, too.

A Little Encouragement Goes a Long Way

Imagine a husband and wife browsing through a department store. He pauses beside a dress, admires the fabric, and starts to move along. She notices. “That color would look lovely on you,” she says. “Would you like to try it on?”

For a man who has quietly wondered what it would feel like to wear something feminine, that simple invitation could mean a great deal. Someone he loves has made room for a curiosity he may have struggled to put into words. Suddenly, a conversation that once seemed impossible can begin beside a rack of summer dresses.

Women who encourage their husbands or boyfriends to explore femininity can have all sorts of reasons. Some enjoy sharing an interest in clothes and beauty. Some find feminine men attractive. Others see how happy their partners become when they have the freedom to express themselves. There is room for affection, curiosity, and a little adventure in the same relationship.

The encouragement can be wonderfully ordinary. A wife might invite her husband to join her for a pedicure, help him choose a flattering blouse, or ask whether he would enjoy experimenting with makeup at home. The invitation gives him an opening. His answer sets the pace.

A sincere compliment can help, too. “That neckline suits you” or “You look happy in that outfit” offers something specific and kind. If he feels awkward, she can ask what would make him more comfortable. Perhaps he wants help with his lipstick. Perhaps he simply wants to sit beside her and discover that an evening together still feels like an evening together.

There can be plenty of fun along the way. Shopping becomes a shared expedition. Getting ready for dinner becomes an exchange of opinions about earrings, shoes, and whether a jacket works with a dress. He may discover that the question “Which handbag?” can require serious deliberation. She may discover that her husband has surprisingly definite opinions about necklines.

Of course, a supportive woman need not become a full-time stylist. He can learn to apply his own makeup, find clothes that fit, and develop his own taste. Buying a few things of his own also avoids the delicate conversation that begins, “Have you seen my favorite cardigan?” Borrowing still requires asking, even when two wardrobes suddenly have more in common.

Exploration can take many forms. One man may enjoy nail polish and a softer hairstyle. Another may love dresses, hosiery, heels, and the experience of presenting fully en femme. Someone else may discover that a single afternoon of experimentation satisfies his curiosity. There is no required destination, and a change in clothing does not dictate how someone must describe his identity or sexuality.

The most helpful encouragement leaves room for honest answers from both people. He should be able to say, “I would love to try that,” “I am nervous,” or “That is not for me.” She should have the same freedom to express enthusiasm, uncertainty, and preferences. Talking about spending, privacy, and what they would enjoy doing together helps keep the experience comfortable for both.

It also helps to keep expectations human. A dress cannot do the work of listening, sharing responsibilities, or treating a partner considerately. Those qualities deserve attention whatever either person is wearing. Feminine expression can add pleasure and discovery to a relationship while the everyday work of being good to one another continues.

Perhaps the loveliest possibility is the ease that comes with feeling welcome. A man who has been anxious about revealing this interest may find enormous comfort in being asked what he likes. His partner gets to know something more about him, and he gets to share a pleasure with someone whose company he already treasures.

For a couple who enjoy it, exploring his feminine side can become another part of their life together: a salon appointment, an afternoon shopping, a quiet evening trying something new. A little encouragement gives them somewhere to begin.

And occasionally, it gives her a perfectly reasonable excuse to say, “We should go shopping. You need shoes to go with that.”

Wearing Venus

Crossdressed husband and wife, circa 1930.

Stuff 131: Smile

By JJ Atwell

Pictures

It seems to me that a basic part of being a CD is the need to have pictures of ourselves. You know, if you don’t have hundreds of pictures of your femme self stashed away somewhere, you should turn in your CD card.

Well, perhaps that’s an exaggeration—not that I would stoop to such things just to keep you reading my musings.

The Woman in the Picture

It’s probably obvious that the first step in documenting your girl self is getting a good picture in the first place. The easiest way is to take one with your cell phone, perhaps using a mirror to capture your whole outfit.

The problem with mirror selfies is that the phone is visible and may block part of your outfit. You can remedy this by holding the phone off to one side, but that can be awkward and result in an unnatural pose.

Another issue is that you may capture surroundings you don’t want to share. For example, I took this picture in my bedroom using my iPhone and a full-length mirror. I like to have a picture of every outfit I wear when dressed. If nobody else is around to take it for me, I settle for a mirror selfie like the one you see here. It serves its purpose as documentation, but it isn’t visually interesting.

The Software

Fortunately, software can fix these issues. For example, I took this image in the mirror before one of our outings. The picture was taken in my bedroom, and I didn’t want that background in the final image, so I used ChatGPT to remove it, leaving only me in the picture.

Not bad, but perhaps it would be better without the phone in the frame. I asked ChatGPT to remove the phone and got this result. It looks pretty natural to me. Then I began wondering whether I could use a few more curves and a better pose.

Going Beyond

Playing with photo-editing software opens some new avenues for experimentation. How would you look if that top were cut a bit lower? What outfit might suit you better? All these things are possible with a program like ChatGPT, starting with the same image and a few simple prompts.

Here are some interesting suggestions, all created by ChatGPT. I love having these inspirations for future outings.

Please remember, though, that AI is no substitute for HI—human intelligence. Use your own judgment to decide what works best for you.

I’ll Be Back

The photo at the upper right of today’s Stuff is a stylized picture of me based on a real image from a GNO at Hamburger Mary’s. It was created using ChatGPT.

Comments are welcome either here on the blog or by email to Jenn6nov at-sign gmail dot com. JJ is always looking for more Stuff, so let me know what you would like to read about.

Wearing Paige

Jaloo femulating in the 2018 Brazilian film Paradise Lost.

A Softer Kind of Strength

For generations, boys have been handed a very short list of acceptable ways to be male. Be tough. Be competitive. Hide your feelings. Never appear weak and above all, never do anything that might be considered feminine.

Those rules are beginning to lose their grip, and that is good news for men as well as women.

The phrase “toxic masculinity” is sometimes misunderstood as an accusation that masculinity itself is toxic. It is not. Courage, independence, physical strength and a willingness to protect others can all be admirable qualities. Masculinity becomes toxic when men are told that toughness is the only quality they may possess, that aggression is the only acceptable response to conflict and that tenderness, vulnerability and femininity must be suppressed at any cost.

Living under those restrictions can be exhausting. A man may learn to swallow sadness rather than ask for comfort. He may avoid affectionate friendships because he fears appearing weak. He may ridicule anything feminine, not because he truly dislikes it, but because he is terrified that someone might see a trace of it in him.

That is not strength. It is fear wearing a masculine disguise.

Male femininity offers another possibility. It gives men permission to be gentle, expressive, nurturing, graceful and emotionally honest. It permits them to enjoy beauty, fashion, color, fragrance and adornment. For some men, it may mean nothing more visible than speaking kindly, listening carefully and no longer being embarrassed by tenderness. For others, it may include jewelry, makeup, painted nails, skirts, dresses or a complete feminine presentation.

There is no single correct way to embrace it.

A man does not surrender his masculinity when he explores femininity. He simply stops treating masculinity and femininity as mutually exclusive territories patrolled by the gender police. A person can be decisive and compassionate, strong and graceful, protective and nurturing. Human beings have always contained mixtures of traits that society insists on sorting into two separate boxes.

Crossdressers understand this especially well. Putting on a dress does not magically erase the person who wore trousers an hour earlier. Instead, feminine clothing can reveal qualities that were present all along but were denied room to breathe. The reflection in the mirror may look different, yet it can feel surprisingly honest.

That honesty is one reason feminine presentation can be so joyful. Makeup, a flattering dress and a pair of heels are not necessarily attempts to escape manhood. They may be ways of expanding it. A man who can appreciate his feminine appearance without shame has rejected one of toxic masculinity’s oldest commandments: never resemble a woman, because femininity is supposedly inferior.

Once that commandment is discarded, the insult “You look like a woman” loses its power. Looking feminine can become a pleasure rather than a humiliation. Being soft is no longer the same as being weak. Accepting help does not diminish independence. Crying does not cancel courage. Admiring a beautiful outfit does not threaten anyone’s identity.

This change can also improve relationships. Men who are comfortable with their own femininity have less reason to belittle it in women or police it in other men. They can relate to wives, partners, daughters, sisters and friends without constantly defending a narrow version of manhood. They may become better listeners because they no longer regard empathy as beneath them. They may become more secure because they no longer need everyone else to confirm that they are masculine enough.

Of course, abandoning toxic masculinity does not require every man to wear a dress. Most will not want to, and that is perfectly fine. The goal is not to replace one compulsory uniform with another. It is to remove the fear and shame that prevent men from choosing freely.

Some men will remain conventionally masculine. Some will blend masculine and feminine qualities. Some will occasionally crossdress, while others will make femininity a visible part of everyday life. What matters is that each man has the freedom to discover what feels authentic without ridicule, coercion or apology.

Perhaps the healthiest future is one in which a boy is not taught to amputate half his emotional life to prove that he is male. He can grow into a man who is brave enough to be tender, confident enough to be vulnerable and secure enough to appreciate femininity—whether he admires it in someone else or recognizes it in himself.

There is strength in masculinity. There is strength in femininity, too. The strongest men may be those who are no longer afraid of either one.

Wearing Boston Proper

Bert Wheeler femulating in the 1931 film Peach O'Reno.

Redressing

Crossdressers vs. POTUS

I usually avoid politics here. Femulate is supposed to be a pleasant escape from the daily shouting match and not another place where Democrats and Republicans hit each other with their purses.

But sometimes politics comes looking for us.

The current administration has made opposition to what it calls “gender ideology” an official government priority. On his first day back in office, the president signed an executive order declaring that the federal government recognizes only two sexes and directing federal agencies to change their policies accordingly. His administration also rescinded earlier orders intended to combat discrimination based on gender identity.

Most of these actions have been presented as measures concerning transgender people and not crossdressers. There is a difference. Some crossdressers identify as men and have no desire to transition. Others eventually discover that “crossdresser” was only one stop on a longer journey. Our community has never fit neatly into one box.

The people promoting these policies seldom seem interested in such distinctions.

To them, a person assigned male at birth who wears a dress, uses a feminine name or enters the ladies’ room may simply be another man who is somewhere he supposedly does not belong. They will not pause to ask whether that person is transgender, gender-fluid or a card-carrying member of the Crossdressers of America.

The hostility spills over.

When politicians repeatedly describe gender-nonconforming people as dangerous, dishonest or mentally disturbed, some members of the public take the message personally. They feel that they have been given permission to stare, confront, ridicule and occasionally threaten anyone who fails their instant inspection.

That includes us.

POTUS probably is not losing sleep over a retiree wearing a wrap dress and heels while shopping at the mall. Yet the atmosphere his rhetoric helps create can make that simple outing more uncomfortable and possibly more dangerous.

For decades, I have encouraged crossdressers to leave the closet and enjoy the world. My message has always been that most of our fears are worse than the reality. In my experience, the great majority of civilians are polite, accepting or too busy with their own lives to care what I am wearing.

I still believe that.

I refuse to surrender the freedom I found after wasting too many years hiding it. I will not allow a president, a television pundit or an anonymous Internet warrior to chase me back into the closet.

But courage should not require blindness. We must be aware of our surroundings, understand the laws where we live and recognize that the political climate has changed. We should also support every person whose freedom of gender expression is threatened, even if that person uses a different label than we do.

Some crossdressers may support the president. People do not vote according to a single issue, and I am not going to inspect anyone’s voter-registration card before complimenting her dress. Nevertheless, crossdressers should recognize an uncomfortable truth: a movement that rigidly polices the boundary between male and female is unlikely to make a special exception for us because we only dress on weekends.

If transgender people lose their rights and public acceptance, crossdressers will not escape untouched. Our closets share a wall.

So what does “Crossdressers vs. POTUS” mean?

It does not mean shouting at neighbors, insulting relatives or turning Femulate into a daily political battlefield. It means refusing to be erased. It means voting, contacting elected officials and supporting organizations that defend personal liberty. It means standing beside transgender people instead of stepping away from them in the hope that the authorities will leave us alone.

Most of all, it means continuing to go out.

Every time a crossdresser shops, dines, travels or simply walks down the street with confidence and courtesy, she demonstrates that the frightening caricature bears no resemblance to the real person. Visibility is not merely political protest. It is how strangers become neighbors and unfamiliarity becomes acceptance.

POTUS may have the presidential podium, but we have something powerful, too: our lives, our stories and the courage to be seen.

I spent too many years in the closet because I was afraid of what might happen if I stepped outside. I will not return there because a politician thinks the world would be tidier without people like us.

Never should never be an option.

Wearing Shein

Tim Curry, 1946-2026

Where Men Become Women

Once upon a time, a man who wanted a professional feminine makeover had very few places to turn. He might find a sympathetic makeup artist through word of mouth, answer a discreet advertisement in the back of a magazine or try to explain himself to a puzzled beautician at a neighborhood salon.

Today, transformation salons are becoming much easier to find. A search of the Internet reveals studios in cities across the United States, the United Kingdom and elsewhere. Some call themselves makeover studios, dressing services or gender-expression salons, but their purpose is much the same: they help male clients discover how convincingly and beautifully they can present as women.

These are not ordinary beauty salons with a spare dress hanging in the back room. The people who operate the better transformation salons understand the special challenges of working with a male face and figure. They know how to conceal beard shadow, reshape eyebrows, soften a jawline, select a flattering wig and use padding and shapewear to create feminine proportions. Many also maintain wardrobes containing dresses, skirts, lingerie, jewelry, handbags and, most important of all, women’s shoes in sizes seldom found in the average department store.

In other words, they have everything a growing girl needs.

A typical appointment begins with a private conversation about the client’s wishes. Is she hoping to look like an everyday woman going shopping, a polished professional headed for the office or a glamorous lady ready for a night on the town? Then come makeup, hair, clothing and accessories. Many salons include a photography session, while some offer makeup lessons, wardrobe advice, escorted shopping trips or even an evening out.

The clientele is just as varied as the services. There are nervous first-timers who have never worn anything more feminine than a borrowed pair of panties. There are experienced crossdressers who want to improve their presentation. There are men celebrating birthdays, retirees finally acting on a lifelong dream and people trying to decide what their feminine feelings mean. A good salon does not insist on a label. It simply opens the door and says, “Let’s see what is possible.”

Why are more of these salons appearing or at least becoming more visible?

The Internet deserves much of the credit. A specialized business that once depended on a tiny local clientele can now be discovered by customers willing to travel hundreds of miles. Before-and-after photographs demonstrate what the artist can accomplish, while online reviews help a nervous newcomer decide whether a studio is trustworthy. Greater public acceptance of gender expression has also made it easier for makeup artists and stylists to advertise these services openly rather than operate almost underground.

There is also a demand that conventional beauty salons do not always meet. A crossdresser may be perfectly welcome at the makeup counter in a department store, but welcome is not the same as expertise. Applying makeup to a face with heavy beard shadow is different from applying it to a face that has never needed a razor. Selecting a wig for a larger head, a dress for broader shoulders or heels for size-12 feet requires knowledge and a properly stocked closet.

Perhaps the greatest service these salons provide is not cosmetic at all. It is confidence.

Many clients arrive frightened, embarrassed and unsure of what to expect. A few hours later, they see a woman looking back from the mirror—sometimes a surprisingly attractive one. For someone who has spent years believing that such a transformation was impossible, that first look can be powerful. The makeup eventually comes off, but the knowledge does not. She now knows the woman in her imagination can exist in the real world.

Of course, a salon visit is not a substitute for practice. A professional artist can create the look, but the client still has to learn how to reproduce it. She must discover which clothes flatter her, how to walk comfortably in heels, how to move naturally and how to face the public without looking as though she expects to be arrested. As I have written many times, successful femulation requires practice, practice, practice.

Anyone considering a transformation salon should do some homework. Ask whether appointments are private, whether photographs remain confidential and exactly what the quoted price includes. Look for an artist whose gallery shows believable women rather than exaggerated costumes unless exaggerated is what you want. Most important, speak with the proprietor beforehand. A good transformation begins with feeling safe, respected and understood.

Not every customer will leave the salon and head directly to the mall. Some will remove the makeup, change back into male clothing and carry their photographs home as a treasured secret. That is their choice. But others will look in the mirror, pick up their handbag and wonder why they should waste such a lovely makeover by staying indoors.

For them, the transformation salon may be more than a beauty business. It may be the bridge between the closet and the civilian world.

And once that bridge has been crossed, there may be no turning back except, perhaps, for another appointment.

Wearing Leau

Lee Pace femulating in the 2003 film Soldier's Girl.
Click here to view this film on YouTube.

You Should Have Been a Girl

When I was young, I occasionally heard words that were probably intended as teasing, but sounded more like encouragement to me:

“You should have been a girl.”

Perhaps an aunt thought I was too pretty for a boy. Maybe someone admired my long eyelashes or commented that my legs were better shaped than most girls’ legs. At other times, it may have been my quiet voice, gentle disposition or mannerisms that were considered insufficiently masculine.

Whatever prompted the remark, it always caught my attention.

I suspect that many boys who grew up to become crossdressers heard something similar. In those days, children were expected to fit into clearly defined gender roles. Boys were supposed to be rough, loud and interested in sports. Girls were supposed to be pretty, graceful and well-mannered. Any boy who wandered a little too far into the feminine column risked being told that he should have been a girl.

Most boys probably regarded the comment as an insult. Some tried to prove it wrong by becoming more masculine. But for a budding femulator, the words could have a very different effect.

They might feel like a compliment.

A boy already fascinated by dresses, high heels, makeup or the women in his life might quietly wonder whether the adults had noticed something. Did they see the girl he sometimes imagined becoming? Was his femininity showing even when he was dressed as a boy?

Being told that you had pretty eyes or shapely legs could also provide a little hope. Perhaps femininity was not completely beyond your reach. If your face was pretty enough or your legs were good enough, maybe someday you really could look like a girl.

Of course, hearing those words did not make anyone a crossdresser. Plenty of pretty boys with shapely legs and gentle mannerisms grew up with no desire to wear women’s clothing. The remark merely had special meaning for those of us whose feminine interests were already waiting below the surface.

Years later, after we finally slipped into a dress, pulled hosiery over those supposedly shapely legs and applied lipstick to that supposedly pretty face, we may have remembered the old prediction.

“You should have been a girl.”

Perhaps they were not entirely correct. I did not necessarily want to stop being a boy forever. But I certainly wanted the opportunity to find out how convincingly—and how happily—I could become a girl for a while.

Looking back, I sometimes wonder whether the people who said it realized how closely I was listening. What they considered an offhand observation became something I stored away and treasured. During the years when I doubted my ability to look feminine, I could recall that someone once saw femininity in me without my wearing a dress, wig or makeup.

That was encouraging evidence.

And when I finally saw my feminine reflection looking back from the mirror, it seemed that the people who had teased me years earlier had been onto something.

Maybe I should have been a girl.

Or perhaps I was simply fortunate enough to discover that I could enjoy being both.

Wearing Walter Baker

Guymon (Oklahoma) High School womanless beauty pageant contestant (1966)

A Generation Apart

Crossdressers of my generation often have a very different relationship with dressing than millennials and the generations that followed us.

Baby boomers and those who came before us, grew up when the rules were unmistakable. Boys wore boys’ clothes, girls wore girls’ clothes, and anyone who crossed that line risked ridicule, punishment or worse. A boy interested in dresses, makeup or high heels quickly learned that such interests had to be hidden.

So we hid.

Many of us accumulated secret wardrobes, dressed only when nobody was home and became experts at covering our tracks. We invented excuses for buying women’s clothing and worried constantly about being discovered. Even when dressing brought us enormous happiness, it was often accompanied by guilt, fear and the nagging question, “What is wrong with me?”

Eventually, the word “crossdresser” gave many of us a useful identity. It told us that we were not alone and helped distinguish what we did from our sexual orientation or a desire to transition. Support groups, newsletters, conventions and later, the Internet allowed us to meet others like ourselves.

For many older crossdressers, presenting convincingly as a woman became the goal. We practiced walking, talking, applying makeup and coordinating outfits. Passing was not merely an accomplishment; it could also be protection. If the civilians saw us as women, we could go about our business without unwanted attention.

That background may also explain why many boomer crossdressers favor a very traditional presentation. Dresses, skirts, hosiery, heels, jewelry and carefully applied makeup represent the femininity we admired while growing up and were forbidden to experience.

Millennials entered a different world.

They grew up with looser dress codes, greater LGBTQ+ visibility and a much broader understanding of gender. Many younger people do not believe that clothing should be divided strictly between male and female. A young man might wear a skirt, makeup or nail polish without considering himself a crossdresser at all.

Instead, younger people may identify as genderfluid, gender-nonconforming, nonbinary or queer. Some do not bother with a label. They simply wear what they like.

This can create an interesting generational divide.

An older crossdresser may spend hours trying to pass as a woman, while a younger person may wonder why passing is necessary. The older person may enjoy a complete transformation from male mode to female mode. The younger person may combine masculine and feminine elements in the same outfit without feeling any need to become one or the other.

Neither approach is wrong. They simply reflect different experiences.

We boomers learned that crossing the gender line was dangerous, so we tried to cross it as carefully and convincingly as possible. Younger generations are more likely to question why that line exists in the first place.

Of course, these are broad generalizations. Some boomers have enthusiastically embraced newer ideas about gender, while some millennials love nothing more than getting completely dolled up in a dress and heels. Younger people also continue to face rejection, discrimination and genuine concerns about personal safety.

Still, the central difference may be the question each generation learned to ask.

Older generations often asked, “What is wrong with me?”

Later generations are more likely to ask, “What feels right for me?”

That change did not happen by accident. Earlier crossdressers ventured out, organized support groups, shared their stories and gradually became visible. By leaving our closets, we helped make the world a little safer for those who followed.

Now younger generations are taking the next step. They are questioning whether clothing needs a gender and whether anyone should have to enter a closet in the first place.

Wearing Frame

Womanless beauty pageant contestant at Glen Oaks High School, Baton Rouge, Louisiana