Hidden Longing: Why All Men Want to Be Women

An Essay Exploring Repressed Desire and the Feminine Within

For centuries, masculinity has been guarded like a fortress—rigid, unyielding and policed by generations of custom, shame and fear. Femininity, by contrast, has been simultaneously idealized, ridiculed and fetishized, especially by the very men who are told to avoid it. Yet beneath the surface of male stoicism, bravado and performance, there may lie an unspoken truth: that all men, in some way or another, wish they could be women. Not necessarily in terms of anatomy, but in terms of freedom—freedom to express, to feel, to beautify, to belong.

At first glance, the idea seems absurd or offensive. Most men would reject it outright, conditioned as they are to equate femininity with weakness. But such rejection is often the first sign of repression. What if masculinity’s fierce insistence on difference masks a silent yearning for the very things it denies?

The Emotional Prison of Manhood

Masculinity, as traditionally defined, forbids vulnerability. Boys are taught early to “man up,” to hide tears, to repress fear. As men grow, they learn that emotions must be managed or more accurately, masked. Women, on the other hand, are allowed—expected, even—to express a full range of feelings. They bond over intimacy, weep openly, comfort one another and speak in detail about their inner lives. Men observe this and are often drawn to it. Some envy it. Many feel starved for it.

In this sense, the desire to be a woman is not a desire to escape maleness, but to escape the emotional isolation masculinity imposes. Femininity becomes a symbol of emotional liberation. The fantasy of being a woman often includes the fantasy of being cared for, of being tender without consequence, of being seen.

Beauty, Adornment, and the Feminine Aesthetic

Women are permitted, even expected, to beautify themselves—through makeup, fashion, posture and poise. The rituals of self-adornment are intricate, sensual and expressive. Men, by contrast, are allowed only a narrow range of aesthetic presentation. To be vain or stylish is to risk ridicule, emasculation or suspicion.

Yet many men harbor a fascination with these forbidden fruits. The prevalence of crossdressing in private—often hidden from family, friends and even partners—hints at a widespread and unacknowledged longing. For some, it is erotic; for others, it is meditative or euphoric. But it is always a form of gendered play. It is a step into softness, attention and transformation—qualities many men crave but cannot claim.

This impulse doesn’t always mean a man wants to be a woman in totality. It may simply mean he wants the right to explore beauty, vulnerability and grace without punishment. In that exploration lies a subtle, persistent wish: what if I were allowed to be like her?

The Eroticized Other

The way men eroticize women is often framed as objectification—but what if it’s also projection? The male gaze can sometimes mask a form of gender envy, a desire not just to possess the feminine, but to become it. In countless cultural expressions—from art and literature to pornography and fashion—the feminine is not only desired but idealized. She is sensual, soft, expressive, captivating.

Some psychoanalysts argue that male desire is often tangled with identification. A man may want a woman not just to touch her, but to absorb her, to feel her power through her softness. He may yearn for her social permission to be expressive, to be desired, to receive rather than always perform.

This idea manifests most vividly in the world of fantasy and roleplay. From drag to gender play, many men find liberation in taking on the role of the woman—not to mock her, but to access a forbidden part of themselves. The disguise becomes a doorway to truth.

The Threat of Feminine Power

Why, then, is femininity so feared in men? Because it threatens to reveal how arbitrary gender hierarchies are. If men willingly embrace the feminine, it undermines the entire premise of masculinity as superior, natural or inevitable. Society must then grapple with the fact that masculinity is not an essence, but a costume—one many men would discard, if they dared.

Women today have unprecedented freedom to adopt traditionally masculine roles, behaviors and dress. They can be assertive, powerful, even aggressive, without losing their identity as women. But when men reach for feminine expressions—through softness, vulnerability or fashion—they risk mockery or expulsion. This asymmetry reveals a great fear: that men, if freed from stigma, might choose femininity more often than we expect.

Conclusion: Reclaiming the Feminine Within

To say “all men want to be women” is not to say they all seek transition, nor that maleness is inherently inferior. Rather, it is to suggest that the feminine holds qualities men deeply need and have been denied. Emotional richness, aesthetic freedom, nurturing connection and expressive identity are human needs—unfairly gendered and policed.

In a freer, more honest world, perhaps men would not only admire women but emulate (“femulate”) them openly. Perhaps they would not fear femininity, but welcome it as part of themselves. And perhaps, in that embrace, we would find not weakness, but a new kind of strength.

This essay was inspired by a post on Amanda Hawkin’s Reading Room.

Wearing Shein

Femulating ventriloquist Bobbie Kimber