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| Man and Wife |
Ultimately, my goal is to live as a woman full-time. But achieving that goal is another matter.
Reading my blog regularly, you know that I live as a woman as much as possible, but it is not full-time.
Yet I know I could live as a woman full-time because I have done it successfully over long and short periods of time in the real world, out among the civilians.
Coming out is not holding me back. The important people in my life already know about Stana. There is only a handful of people who don't know and it does not matter much to me if they accept Stana or not.
So it is like living in the Red Zone. I am so close to the goal line, but I just can't get across it. The only thing holding me back is my commitment to the woman I married.
Falling in love 35 years ago, I stopped crossdressing and I bought into the old tale that finding the love of my life would cure me. I did not know any better and the lack of information in those pre-Internet Dark Ages did not help. But two years of not crossdressing indicated that there was something to that old saw.
And so it went until one month after our wedding, when we were invited to a Halloween party and I reopened my Pandora's box never to close it again. One too many Halloweens en femme, my wife suspected something. When she asked, I admitted to her that I was a crossdresser.
Fast forward to the Caitlyn Jenner era... when my wife asked, I admitted to her that I was transgender.
And if she asked, I would admit to her that I want to live as a woman full-time.
In the past when I crossdressed, she often commented, "You want to be a woman, don't you?" and I would always deny such a notion. But in my heart, I knew the true answer, but I was afraid to admit it to her or myself.
Today, I think she knows the true answer, too, so she does not bother asking the question. And I am still afraid to admit the truth to her.
And so it goes.
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| Wearing Vensette cosmetics (Source: Vensette) |
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| Glenn Tryon femulating in the 1926 film Along Came Auntie. |
Our stories follow very much the same pattern: denial, tacit acceptance followed by embracing. Those pre-internet dark days certainly did not help.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was about 12-years-old, I remember discovering the word "transvestite" and then consulting our encyclopedia to read its take on the term. I was almost suicidal after reading the encyclopedia!
DeleteImagine my surprise when my comment was actually quoted! Thank you for your thoughtful answer. Your answer is not a surprise but I'm very glad you responded.
ReplyDeleteYou are welcome.
DeleteIt was only after I was living full-time that my wife of over 40 years realized that I was still me, the person I had always been. Sadly, she couldn't accept being seen as lesbian. In the end, what others thought was more important than our marriage to her. Being true to myself was more important to me.
ReplyDeleteAnd so it goes ... no easy answers.
Your position makes perfect sense. There is an admiration of your commitment and love of your wife. We are who we are and so are our wives. The respect we seek we need to share with them as well.
ReplyDeletePat
Too many secrets over the years. My Wife of 46 years, the mother of our children, my best friend. Does except, panties and nylon nightgowns, every night. She knows it goes further, as having found bra and shape ware in the wash. Most of my wardrobe is in a rented storage unit. Children and grand kids, are close and visit often. Like you, I thought that a wedding was the cure. I have known since early single digit age, as Mom had wonderful clothes. Thanks for your GREAT blog
ReplyDelete