A Softer Kind of Strength

For generations, boys have been handed a very short list of acceptable ways to be male. Be tough. Be competitive. Hide your feelings. Never appear weak and above all, never do anything that might be considered feminine.

Those rules are beginning to lose their grip, and that is good news for men as well as women.

The phrase “toxic masculinity” is sometimes misunderstood as an accusation that masculinity itself is toxic. It is not. Courage, independence, physical strength and a willingness to protect others can all be admirable qualities. Masculinity becomes toxic when men are told that toughness is the only quality they may possess, that aggression is the only acceptable response to conflict and that tenderness, vulnerability and femininity must be suppressed at any cost.

Living under those restrictions can be exhausting. A man may learn to swallow sadness rather than ask for comfort. He may avoid affectionate friendships because he fears appearing weak. He may ridicule anything feminine, not because he truly dislikes it, but because he is terrified that someone might see a trace of it in him.

That is not strength. It is fear wearing a masculine disguise.

Male femininity offers another possibility. It gives men permission to be gentle, expressive, nurturing, graceful and emotionally honest. It permits them to enjoy beauty, fashion, color, fragrance and adornment. For some men, it may mean nothing more visible than speaking kindly, listening carefully and no longer being embarrassed by tenderness. For others, it may include jewelry, makeup, painted nails, skirts, dresses or a complete feminine presentation.

There is no single correct way to embrace it.

A man does not surrender his masculinity when he explores femininity. He simply stops treating masculinity and femininity as mutually exclusive territories patrolled by the gender police. A person can be decisive and compassionate, strong and graceful, protective and nurturing. Human beings have always contained mixtures of traits that society insists on sorting into two separate boxes.

Crossdressers understand this especially well. Putting on a dress does not magically erase the person who wore trousers an hour earlier. Instead, feminine clothing can reveal qualities that were present all along but were denied room to breathe. The reflection in the mirror may look different, yet it can feel surprisingly honest.

That honesty is one reason feminine presentation can be so joyful. Makeup, a flattering dress and a pair of heels are not necessarily attempts to escape manhood. They may be ways of expanding it. A man who can appreciate his feminine appearance without shame has rejected one of toxic masculinity’s oldest commandments: never resemble a woman, because femininity is supposedly inferior.

Once that commandment is discarded, the insult “You look like a woman” loses its power. Looking feminine can become a pleasure rather than a humiliation. Being soft is no longer the same as being weak. Accepting help does not diminish independence. Crying does not cancel courage. Admiring a beautiful outfit does not threaten anyone’s identity.

This change can also improve relationships. Men who are comfortable with their own femininity have less reason to belittle it in women or police it in other men. They can relate to wives, partners, daughters, sisters and friends without constantly defending a narrow version of manhood. They may become better listeners because they no longer regard empathy as beneath them. They may become more secure because they no longer need everyone else to confirm that they are masculine enough.

Of course, abandoning toxic masculinity does not require every man to wear a dress. Most will not want to, and that is perfectly fine. The goal is not to replace one compulsory uniform with another. It is to remove the fear and shame that prevent men from choosing freely.

Some men will remain conventionally masculine. Some will blend masculine and feminine qualities. Some will occasionally crossdress, while others will make femininity a visible part of everyday life. What matters is that each man has the freedom to discover what feels authentic without ridicule, coercion or apology.

Perhaps the healthiest future is one in which a boy is not taught to amputate half his emotional life to prove that he is male. He can grow into a man who is brave enough to be tender, confident enough to be vulnerable and secure enough to appreciate femininity—whether he admires it in someone else or recognizes it in himself.

There is strength in masculinity. There is strength in femininity, too. The strongest men may be those who are no longer afraid of either one.

Wearing Boston Proper

Bert Wheeler femulating in the 1931 film Peach O'Reno.